The Long First Date Goodbye
by Jazzy Raveler
Summary: This is my first fanfiction so please comment! the main focus is Emma...the way she is dealing with things even tho it's 2 yrs after the shooting. there may also be a returning Sean and complications with the mannycraigellie factor.
1. A Lot to do in the Moonlight 1

**_Author's Note:_**

Fanfiction Loyals:

Hey you guys! I'm knew to this site so I was kinda...dumb about writing my first fan fiction. Well I didn't have a good idea I just knew I wanted to write one. For anyone who actually liked it I have revamped it. It's pretty much the same The first 2 chapters are anyway. Anyway though, Essentially I wanted this to be a Sean and Emma story but I wanted to add more character plots so I have a few others but their plots will all end up tying in with Sean and Emma. Either way, since this is a Sean and Emma story, I wanted to maintain the feeling that I am trying to achieve so in order to make it a little different and interesting I decided that after every chapter there will be a connecting chapter that is just a poem from Sean and then one from Emma that sums up what they were feeling in that chapter. I hope you like this feel and please comment on it. Please, please comment they keep me going and any suggestions, ideas, or even criticsm are appreciated.

Jazzy Raveler

P.s. Like I said the first 2 chapters are pretty much the same but now they have Poem chapters connected after each one!

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi...If I did Sean and Emma would be the main characters for every show.**_

****

_The Long First Date GoodBye_

**Chapter 1**

**A Lot to Do in The Moon Light**

Emma Nelson sat in the grass on the side of her darkened house. The moon lighting up her pale features and blonde hair with an enchanting almost eerie glow. She stared wide eyed into the nothingness as her tear streaked face whenced at every memory she held.

-Flash Back-

_(Scene: A hallway in Degrassi High. Classmates; Sean Cameron, Emma Nelson, Toby Isaacs are standing face to face with another classmate. Rick.)_

Rick is covered with yellow paint; due to a prank pulled on him by some of his fellow classmates. The straw that broke the camel's back for him when it came to being teased and tormented. Rick has always had violent tendencies; having put his girlfriend Terri into a coma-the cause for his tormentors resentment and need to hurt him-after pushing her and causing her head to hit a rock. But even now Emma, Sean, and Toby are in disbelief as they gaze down at what he's holding; a gun.

He's starts murmuring something; something about Emma making his list. Emma doesn't hear him; she sees Sean, though. He's walking towards Rick...slowly-trying to convince him _not_ to shoot Emma. Emma catches her breath when Sean is finally standing directly in front of Rick. Rick has lowered the gun and Emma holds her breath waiting for what will happen next.

"It's too late" Rick says raising his gun and pointing it over Sean's shoulder and towards Emma.

_Emma's mind_ _at the time_...

Gun pointing straight towards her Emma freezes trembling with fear and the earthshattering realization that these are her last moments. In a few seconds her life will be flashing before her eyes and she'd be on the floor, blood splattered on either side of her, gasping to get the words out with her last breath "I l-". Sean suddenly swipes the gun down and he and Rick are struggling when suddenly the gun fires and they both seem to go limp.

Emma couldn't hear. was she screaming? was Toby screaming? was _Sean _screaming? her ears blocked out everything. All she could hear, all she could feel, was her heart the pounding, sharpening, quickening, everything fell from her mind except Sean.

Their entire past flashed before her eyes and suddenly none of it mattered. Not sean pushing her when she tried to stop him from fighting, not Sean ditching her for his hateful best friend Jay, not even Sean stealing her dad's computer to hock even though he was sick with cancer. All that mattered was that she had so much more to say so much more of her soul to give to him. The relief that Emma felt when it was Rick who'd slumped and not Sean was both so much that she felt ashamed, and so strong that she felt the urge to run over and embrace Sean never again letting go.

Sean Hope Cameron had saved her life and endangered his own to do so. Emma knew that when the rest of their classmates found out, they would collectively feel the same thing that she felt at that moment: Sean still loved her. They could work it out...they would be together...they were in love. Emma had felt so relieved...so amazed about the way things had turned out. It had come back down to the 2 of them, as always: Emma and Sean.

And then Sean left.

_Emma's Reality now_

Emma could still feel the glare of the moonlight, even as she'd closed her eyes. It had been at least an hour, she thought, since she'd awakened with a start, from one of her many shooting/Sean/Rick induced nightmares. She'd been having them every night-that she actually allowed herself sleep- since the shooting. About a yr now. Some nights she just lay in her room staring up at the ceiling. The sounds of her best friend Manny Santos giggling or even talking in her sleep, no doubt dreaming of one of her current beaus-who was at this time Craig Manning, from the other side of the room didn't help much.

Some nights she'd just glare up at the ceiling, tears filling her eyes, and then ears, and overflowing onto her pillow as she swamped herself with the things she could've done to stop Rick from dying; Sean from leaving; everything, from falling apart. Other nights, she'd struggle through the night to escape her nightmares.

With school beginning in a few days the nightmares had become stronger and much more detailed. At first it had just been what if dreams: what if Sean was killed? What if _she'd_ been killed? In the dreams where she'd died, she'd float through her house as a ghost, unable to touch or feel her mother, father, or her little brother, Jack. Unable to comfort them as they cried and struggled through grief. In the dreams of Sean dying she'd just be holding him in her lap crying over and over and shouting things that she'd forgotten to say to him...over his dead body.

On this particular Saturday night Emma hadn't eaten, just walked into her room, almost ghostlike, and lay in her bed. "No, thank you" she'd told Manny when she'd offered to bring her back a burger from "the dot"-the local restaurant that they often ate at- where she and Craig were headed at that moment. After Manny left, Emma'd spent the first part of the night talking to Peter Stone, her current un-Sean like boyfriend, as long as she could. Being that his mom was the principal of the school, it was very rare that Peter was able to stay up too late, so even though Emma had felt like crying tonight, she'd held it in laughing and talking with Peter about their first official dance together; "Degrassi's Back to School Dance".

After the phone call, Emma simply lay still in her bed until she, having managed to ward off sleep almost two weeks, quite reluctantly fell into a restless sleep; the dark of her eyes quickly escalating into a nightmare in which she raced through the school with the blood of Rick and Sean on her hands; others screaming at her "Killer! Killer!" When she'd awaken with a gasp, sweat pouring down her face, her hair tangled menacingly around her lanky shoulders, she'd sighed and screamed silently with relief. Emma climbed out of her basement room window and onto the small lawn that was for now her sanctuary.

Even now she could feel herself shaking, her teeth chattering in the cold night air. Just as she'd hoped the night air had provided some relief and she was able to clear her head of her most recent nightmare.

"Emma?" she heard suddenly in a hissing whisper and almost screamed for being so startled by the figure looming in front of her. She knew the tone of the voice and the shape of the face even in the darkness and said with a relieved sigh "Manny Santos! What on earth are you doing getting in this late!" Manny offered a barely visible menacing grin "What do you think, Em?" She said with a sharp note of the ever present sarcasm dripping from her words. Emma decided it best not to think on it and instead stood up dusting off the back of her badge shorts and pink tank top.

"Come on. We better get in before the parents stumble out here in total parental meltdown mold." Emma said as she turned away from her friend, about to slip back into the window. Manny grabbed Emma's shoulder, turning Emma around to face her. Manny was almost at eye level with Emma- because she was wearing her high-heeled strappy sandals-and even in the dark Emma could see that Manny was trying to study her face. Trying to find some sign of the worry that was almost always-at least most recently-expected in Emma's look.

"Have you been to sleep tonight Em?" Manny asked tilting her brown hair skeptically to the side. She had been worried about Emma lately noticing the increasingly purple bags under her eyes. Also, the fact that Emma had not been eating worried her; having helped Emma conquer a stress induced bout of anorexia only a few months earlier, she didn't know if she could handle another eating disorder and vowed to prevent one.

"Manny," Emma whined bouncing up and down like a child. "I'm fine. But, I am also cold, tired, and..." Emma searched for the words to satisfy her friend in her worried brown eyes, "I am so hungggryyy!" Manny's face melted from skeptical into a bright smile and she squealed. "Okay! Let's get inside and attack the fridge! it's been a while since we had a full fledged girl talk. I have so much to tell! " Manny pushed ahead of her friend and slid down into the window racing to put down her purse and kick off her heels. "I'll get the ice cream!" she called to Emma as she raced up the stairs.

Emma's smile had vanished with Manny and as she slid down into the window she glanced up at the moon, one last tear sweeping down her cheek as she said the words she'd said oh so often to herself, though no one else ever heard "God, please help me."

_Scene Change (a dark street no lights; a single gray car inches to a stop): _

The small gray car crept into the driveway that had once been Ellie Nash and Sean Cameron's and was now only Ellie's. A dark figure stepped out of the car. The figure stared at the apartment and after what seemed a shudder almost, climbed back into the car and drove a little way down the street. Parking in an empty lot, the guy leaned back the seat. "I'll start tomorrow." he said as he lay back in the seat staring up into the moonlight. Then he closed his eyes, arms crossed over his chest. "I've got a lot to do."


	2. A Lot to do 1a

_**Chapter 1a**_

_**A Lot to Do in the Moon Light...**_

****

**Emma:**

_Falling Star_

_Floating through the darkened sky_

_My soul burning _

_Though my existence seems bright_

_My face beaming, sparkling, igniting like..._

_Bullets bursting into the inner depths of my spirit_

_My center_

_My core_

_I am not yet fallen_

_But I am falling_

_Falling like raining fire_

_Falling hard_

_Falling so rapidly_

_A falling star_

**Sean:**

Why Go Back?

Why go back?

What is for me there...?

Nothing

Why go back?

Who will want me there...?

Nobody

Why go back?

What I am hoping for...?

Not much

Why go back?

What am I wishing for...?

Her

_Her _

I am going back

For her


	3. Unwelcome Visitors 2

**Chapter 2**

**Unwelcome Visitors**

Ellie Nash awoke to the sound of an ill-fated clock radio blaring. She carefully aimed her pillow and knocked the clock radio to the floor, breaking it into pieces. "Take that!" she thought. Ellie's bright green eyes greeted the room with disdain and a moan loud enough that if her friend, Ashley Kerwin, hadn't left fo London only a few nights earlier, she would have been startled awake herself.

Ellie sat up and frowned up at the empty room. She hadn't been particularly thrilled when her best girl friend Ashley offered to stay with her when she'd visited Degrassi for the high school's graduation, but now-though Ellie would never admit it-she was missed.

Not that Ellie didn't love her friend dearly, but Ellie had her own problems. The biggest of which now involved Ashley's most serious **_ex_**-boyfriend; Craig Manning. Ashley and Craig's relationship had ended...badly to say the least; Ashley leaving him abruptly and going to London, shortly after Craig had requested her hand in marriage. Bad blood couldn't begin to describe the way they felt about one another.

Ellie was stuck in the middle, being that when Ashley left-to London-Ellie and Craig became the best of friends. Craig needed Ellie for everything he was going through-finding out he was bipolar, Ashley leaving him, and then Manny-well there'd been a whole series of Manny issues. And Craig'd been there for Ellie with everything she'd been going through-falling out and moving out on her alcoholic mom, her cutting problem, and later when Sean Cameron-boyfriend at the time-abandoned her (as she felt) after the shooting and heading back to Wasaga beach.

Knowing the way she'd felt when Sean'd left-he'd broken her heart-Ellie knew that she could never blame Ashley or Craig for the way they felt about one another. But at the same time she still loved Craig for being such a good friend to her when Sean-her only stronghold at the time he'd left- had left her all alone and in a state of semi-reality, hoping that he'd still love her when and if he returned from Wasaga Beach.

Now-a year later-Ellie had gotten over Sean, but it still stung sometimes to think about him. Ellie didn't do being alone too well; in fact it was one of the only things that scared her. Sean was the only one who knew this-and he was long gone. But, for Ellie, her situation grew even worse when she began to..._"care"_ even more deeply for Craig, and not only wish that she wasn't alone, but that _Craig_ was the one keeping her from loneliness.

Craig-always the clueless male-had begun dating Manny -whom he had previously dated, while, ahem, dating Ashley-and now he was into their relationship too deep to notice Ellie. The way Ellie's face went gray when he and Manny kissed in her presence. Or the way her red hair seemed to almost stand on end when he talked about he and Manny the 'previous night'.

Craig was gone now though-only a couple hundred miles away-but he was still gone far enough for Ellie to miss him strongly; and only grow to "care" about him deeper still.

"This is too much to think about so early!" Ellie thought and she climbed out of her bed having very unhappily remembered that this was the first day the new school year.

"0 5 I knew you well." She said dramatically as she stepped into her bathroom shower. Right then, she heard the doorbell ring. "HHHuuuuggghhh!" She huffed as she stepped out again snatching a nearby towel and screaming "I'm coming!"

"Who the hell is-" she began but almost dropped her towel when she swung open the door and saw the one person who was only all-to-unwelcome in her presence, standing there, arms crossed, smiling.

_Scene Change: (Outside of Degrassi High)_

Emma Nelson stood on the steps of Degrassi willing herself to go in. She knew she didn't want to even enter the premises. "Maybe I'll just skip." she'd kept telling herself the previous night, but being the her Father was one of the teachers that wasn't a very smart or inviting prospect. Manny had left ahead of her-something to do with meeting Craig-and she knew that Manny would also wonder where she was.

Emma took a deep breath. Everything about this school scared her to death. All of her nightmares came rushing back to her and she could almost feel herself fainting right there on the steps of her high school. Reality came crashing down on her and she realized that she _was_ falling backwards down the steps. She could feel the scream easing into her throat until someone caught her. Peter she thought and readied her brightest, fakest smile which vanished as soon as she turned and realized who it was in actuality.

"Watch yourself, sweetie." he cooed as Emma snatched away from him and twisted her lips into a sharp, blood curdling look "Jay Hogart," she said, smirking at the same grimy boy she'd known the year before. Unlike everyone else at this school, his look hadn't changed, his future hadn't brightened, and even though he'd been kicked out of Degrassi for orchestrating the very prank that caused Rick to lose it and sent Emma on a downward spiral, here he was once again standing in front of the steps, making Emma life's even more miserable than it already was.

Jay managed a weak smile himself "Good morning to you too Emmi. I'd recognized that backside anywhere; well, more like that blonde head a' yours." and he smirked at Emma's whence knowing that his words had cut through the good girl's core.

When Emma had been completely gone, almost in a sleep like state and at her lowest point, she had begun a sexual but not sexual relationship with Jay. She'd gone down on him a few times in his car at some seedy spot in the woods-"the ravine"-and she'd regretted it from the first moment to the last- when she'd contracted Gonorrhea from him, and been labeled one of the "nasty girls" in school.

Emma knew that Jay was referring to this incident and she whenced at the shameful memory, comforting herself as always with the knowledge that she'd really been going through it then. "What the Hell do you want Jay!" She snapped, almost ready to charge him and knock him forcefully to the fall that he'd saved her from. "Nothing, nothin'. I just figured I'd do my good deed for the year and help you out, that's all." With that he turned and walked a little limpishly to his car. Before getting in he whipped around "I mean, You've always been _so_ good to me." he said before a loud laugh, and jump, into his car.

Emma couldn't control the words as they flew from her lips or the strength and heightened scream of them "Screw you Jay! Screw you!" "Emma!" She'd heard as she'd turned around and saw the principal, along with her son Peter, Emma's boyfriend. "I'll need to speak with you in my office. Emma sighed a long deep sigh mumbled "yes ma'am" and followed the principal on the long walk to her office.

_Scene Change: (Ellie's Apartment)_

The day couldn't have ended soon enough for Ellie and as she burst into her apartment she was prepared to blast music and hate the world. But, something stopped her when she came in. The room didn't look different but it felt...different. She quickly glanced about the room trying to find anything out of place but nothing was. Everything looked fine. "Hello?" she called picking up the bat that she kept by the door. "Is someone in here?" after inspecting each room carefully, she sat down on the couch and let out a long sigh.

"Ellie, you're being paranoid." She told herself but she also justified herself in her mind when she remembered what had happened earlier that morning...

_Earlier that morning..._

Ellie's mouth all but dropped to the floor when she'd seen who was standing in her doorway. Manny Santos, with a sly smirk on her face and a look of arrogant uninterest. Ellie was noone to mess with and matched Manny's look, with an even more uninterested, don't-mess-with-me-today one.

"Yes?" Ellie asked sharply, knowing that she owed no explanation for her towel attire to the very unwelcome visitor. Manny frowned "Aren't you gonna ask me in?" "Aren't you gonna tell me why you're here?" Ellie said with a tone of restrained annoyance in her voice. The nerve of Manny to come here with an attitude issue, as though _she_ had the right! Manny gave Ellie a hateful glare, but began to talk in a low and almost ashamed voice. "Look, El, honey-" "Ellie is fine, thank you." Ellie cut in, establishing her feelings about the situation. "O.k. Ell-ie, " Manny said keeping her arms crossed and rolling her eyes, "Craig is here." "He's _here_?" Ellie asked her cheeks burning red suddenly. Manny's eyes flashed violently taking notice of this "No, not _here_, here. Here as in he's visiting." She paused here , eyeing Ellie up and down quickly. Despite her fearless attitude Ellie still felt her cheeks burning under Manny's stare. She hated being judged by girls like Manny. Girls she had no respect or care for.

"And...so?" Ellie'd said. Maybe she was missing something... "Look," Manny said, "I know you've got a..thing for him or whatever but look, Craig is my boyfriend and I won't have you thinking that there is a remote chance of a you and a him. Truthfully there is no you and him. There's only Me and Him and then...you. Got that?" Ellie could feel her pressure rising but she contained herself enough to stammer out "You came to my apartment at 7 in the morning to tell me that!" Manny smirked a little "No. I came to tell you that if Craig asks you to visit him or to come visit you tell him no. Tell him...you're busy or... that you don't have time. He's only here for a week and I don't want him wasting-I'm sorry-spending time with anyone he doesn't have to, when he can be spending that time with me."

Ellie couldn't believe her ears. Maybe she was hallucinating, she thought. maybe this was a dream, no a nightmare, because in a dream she would have reached over and carefully snatched Manny's head off. Instead she just stared at her, not sure what to say but vowing that if Craig did call she'd make sure he came over even if she _were_ busy, just to show Manny who not to mess with.

"Manny, I'm not sure what you're talking about but I'll be sure to let Craig know you don't want him to see me." and she began to close the door when Manny stuck her freshly pedicured foot into it. "Look Ellie, I know coming over here so early may seem a bit rash, but I wanted to make myself clear as early as possible," Manny stared at Ellie all seriousness, a vicious look in her eye "This way I can make sure that I can't be held responsible for anything that happens between us this year _because_ of this..._issue_." Ellie matched Manny's look with a vicious gleam in her own eyes "Well good," Ellie said clenching her fists tightly "Cause since _you_ approached _me,_ neither can I." and Ellie slammed the door, Manny's foot being moved just in time for her to save her precious toes.

Ellie laughed to herself as she wished that she'd had the bat in her hand at that time, "No, "Me and Him" Ellie said to herself. "The nerve of that Bitch." But even though Ellie voiced her defiance, inside she could feel herself hurting because she knew in a way Manny was right. What would be the point of Craig even coming when she knew he'd only hurt her more? One thing Sean leaving had showed her, she didn't take being ditched by guys too well.

Ellie had a problem with cutting her arms to release her pain...her insecurities...her fears. Sean leaving had only started a fresh batch of problems for her with the cutting issue. With Craig's help she'd been able to stop herself from cutting. Now she had rubberbands on both arms to pop herself with whenever she felt the urge to cut. Her therapist had suggested it and she could feel one of those urges coming on. "No," she stated loudly, "I won't let another guy reduce me to that." and she stood up, unconsciously picking up the bat with her, and headed for her bedroom door.

She opened the door and something-someone-jumped at her from the floor in the darkness. She'd cursed herself for not having checked her bedroom and at the same time bashed whoever it was in the leg with the bat. "Aaaahhh!" she and he screamed together as she flicked on the light and stared at the unwelcome sight that lay in front of her.

_Scene Change: (Emma and Manny's basement room)_

Manny Santos lay in her bed, hugging her pillow and trying to shake the fear that she had most recently been faced with; losing Craig. She and Craig had been drifting further and further apart ever since he'd left to pursue his career in music and she really loved him. Manny was scared of losing Craig, scared of being alone, the way she'd always been.

Everyone had labeled Manny the school slut when she'd stolen Craig from Ashley Kerwin 2 yrs before. Since then she and Craig had broken up, gotten back together, broken up, and gotten back together again and now they were in that state of the relationship right before everything falls to pieces.

Manny knew this state all too well and she was trying her hardest to keep things from sinking further into the hole that their relationship was falling in. She could've blamed the distance for their problems, she couldv'e blamed her own mistrust; because she knew the fact that she'd stolen him from another girl meant that he was susceptible to being stolen. Instead, she chose an easy target and scapegoat for the problems, a target that she could blame for her own broken heart if things did fall apart; Ellie Nash.

Everyone-everyone except Craig that is-knew that Ellie had a thing for Craig. Manny was threatened because for 1. Ellie was Craig's best friend and 2. Ellie was perfect for Craig; at least this is what Manny felt. Ellie was everything she wasn't, and as much as Manny hated to even think it; Ellie was very beautiful too.

Manny noticed the way Craig was so protective of Ellie, and the way he trusted her with everything, almost more so than Manny, and Manny couldn't stop her jealousy from rearing it's ugly head when Craig had suggested to her that he stay at Ellie's when he visited. "It would take a load of off Joey," he'd said, speaking of his step father, "And I mean, Ellie would be cool with you visiting anytime." Manny's pulse had quickened as she leaned across their table at "the Dot" to kiss him, forcefully "But would she be cool with this...?" she'd said smoothing her fingers down Craig's chest. She and Craig had then headed to Joey's in Craig's room/garage and...

Manny knew that it was wrong of her to try and control Craig with sex but at the time she couldn't figure out anything else to do. And so on Monday morning she decided to head straight to Ellie's and let her know that Craig was not something she'd give up without a fight.

Even though Manny knew that Ellie wasn't the kind of girl to just try and steal Craig away, she couldn't help thinking as she drifted into sleep "Does he _want_ to be stolen?"


	4. Unwelcome 2a

_**Chapter 2a**_

**_Unwelcome Visitors_**...

_**Emma:**_

That..._Place_

I went to that...place today

I screamed because I wanted to scream

Not because of anger

But because of fear

That..._place_scares me now

Makes me feel I'm in danger

I went there...to _that place_

I thought I'd be fine

But just seeing it

Feeling it

made me feel I could cry

I went to **_that...place_**

And I wanted to get out

I wanted to leave

And never return

But I doubt

Leaving would stop it from affecting me anyhow

Because instead of just in a building,

A look, a hallway,

**_That...place_** is in me now.

**Sean:**

**Can't Go in**

**I can't go into their lives again**

**Didn't I screw them over the first time?**

**I messed up**

**I can't go in again**

**I can't go into those places**

**With those bastards and their same stupid faces**

**Asking me dumb questions**

**I never had the answers to.**

**I don't know what the hell to say**

**What am I supposed to do?**

**I can't go in again**

**I can't go in**

**I can't **

**I can't go in...that realm**

**I don't deserve a second chance**


	5. Wishing They Knew Glad They Dont 3

**Chapter 3**

**Wishing They Knew...But Glad They Don't**

Monday had not been a good day for Emma Nelson. She had gone through the trouble of being called to the principal's office-her boyfriend's mom no less-and having to explain her sudden outburst as "stress and anxiety caused from the several irregularities in her family." Being that the principal was well-acquainted with the "stress and irregularities" involved in Emma's family, she let it slide; unfortunately for Emma, her parents didn't.

"Emma how are you?" Her father-Archie, but endearingly nicknamed Snake-had said with a look of deep concern in his eyes. Emma'd rolled her own. He was _so_ overreacting to the whole thing and ever since she'd had that spill with Anorexia he'd been treating her like a china doll. "I'm fine," Emma said "Honey," Emma's mother, Spike -named Christine but endearingly called Spike-said leaning over Emma's shoulder in the kitchen. "If you need to talk-" "I'm fine, Mom!" Emma screamed before jumping up and running towards the door.

"Emma!" Emma froze, tears already inching down her face, but she stood perfectly still so that her back was like a wall between she and her parents. "Emma," her mother said again, now in a calmer and more controlled voice "I know that you are going to be having a lot of difficulty this year, but…don't shut me out." Her mother's voice was choked with emotion and Emma could feel her mind willing her to turn around. Instead, she stayed where she was and after letting out a silent gasp, she said calmly, "If I need you mom, I'll let you know." And with that she'd headed to her door, shoving it open, and racing down the steps angry at herself for leaving her mom in tears.

Now, it was Tuesday and as Emma walked through the hallways of Degrassi, she could feel the tension rising in her shoulders. "Hey," she heard her boyfriend Peter whisper into her ear as he wrapped his warm tan arms around her. "Hey" she whispered back as she turned around to face him and found the same mischievous boyish grin on his face as always.

Emma moved her face in to kiss him and found the warm pink lips soothing. She tried to forget about her thoughts although it seemed most impossible, though she walked hand in hand with her "man,"

"So…?" Peter said, turning his blonde head nervously away from her. "How are…you?" he said leaning in towards her in an almost-whisper voice. Emma pushed him back and stared at him defensively "I'm fine, what are you acting so weird about?" Peter's eyes found every other place on Emma's face than hers, as he said quietly "I'm just-you know-I'm kinda worried about you since-" Emma could feel her face burning. First Manny, then the Principal, then her parents, and now her boyfriend! Not only did she not feel like "confiding" in anyone; there was noone to confide in! The only person who really understood was Se-wasn't here! And she'd have to get that fact across to everyone once and for all!.

"Look Peter, I don't feel like _"sharing"_ with you right now alright! I'm fine, never been better! Now quitting bugging me!" She yelled, snatching her arms away from his and stomping away from his saddened face. Peter hung his head a little and he sighed heavily "So," he said decidedly, "She knows."

_Scene Change: (Inside of Archie "Snake" Simpson's classroom-right before lunch)_

"Who in the world are you staring at?" Liberty Van Zandt asked a googly eyed Ellie Nash as the bell rang for lunch. No response. Ellie just kept staring toward her dreamily, almost lovingly, Liberty thought.

"I've heard of friendly classmates, but this?-this is a little too friendly for me." Liberty said as she snatched up her books and marched away.

In reality Ellie wasn't staring at Liberty…hadn't even seen Liberty. In reality Ellie had one thing on her mind…

_Previous Night: (Ellie's apartment shortly after she bashed an 'intruder'._)

Ellie sunk to the floor against the wall as she stared in dismay at her best friend Craig Manning sprawled out on her bedroom floor. "Oh my God! Craig! Are you ok!" she asked as she leapt to his side, sweeping the curly brown trusses of hair out of his eyes to see his face. "Surprise!" Craig said weakly, jokingly as he cradled his right leg in pain. "Oh my god, Oh my god, Craig! I'm sorry-I didn't know-I mean how could I know-I mean-" "El, it's ok," Craig said as he-with Ellie's help-stood awkwardly to his feet.

Ellie shook her head looking as though she were about to cry, when suddenly her look changed from shock, to utter amazement, and then to blatant annoyance. "Hey!" Ellie said sharply, angrily, as she hit Craig in the shoulder "I shouldn't be apologizing-you should! What were you thinking lurking around my apartment?" "Ow," Craig said rubbing his arm and feigning pain and disappointment. "Hey! I wanted to surprise you. Is that such a crime? God! did I miss the notice? Is today "Ellie beats on Craig" day or something?"

Ellie's face softened a little and she managed to let out a little excited cry "I'm sorry Craig. Man, am I happy to see you!" and she leaned into his arms laying her head gently on the shoulder that she'd just hit. Craig smiled; he'd missed his red-headed friend's fieriness and noted that, yes, her green eyes did still sparkle when she laughed. "I'm happy to see you too," he said gripping her tightly.

The two of them walked into the living room and sat on the couch. "So, Craig, tell me, what's been going on?" Craig leaned back into the couch before sinking down playfully and stating "Living Large, Ellie, Living Large." Ellie picked up a couch pillow and hit him in the head. "Craig I'm serious, I really-I mean- uh-_we_ really missed you." Craig sat up a look of interest on his face. "Glad to know I'm still needed around here," he said in a soft voice with a look that made Ellie smile inside. Ellie stared into his eyes and almost leaned forward before she caught herself. Ellie quickly looked away What are you doing El? she thought and then-feeling Craig sitting up-she turned towards him. "El? I said who's the "we"?" Craig said, grabbing his friends hands, forcing her to look at him." "We?" "Yeah 'we' you said 'we' really missed you. Who's the we?" "Oh, oh the "we"...right. Um-Meeee-Ma-…Manny!. Manny…and Me. That's the We."

Craig frowned, then a sly smile spread across his pale face, "You and Manny are actually communicating?" Ellie shifted a little uneasily remembering her earlier confrontation with Manny. Combining that with the fact that she had just almost kissed him, Ellie knew Craig staying here was only inviting disaster.

"Um…yeah," Ellie said, standing up quickly, she brushed her hair behind her ears with both hands and then said, as she crossed her arms, "Craig, you-uh-you better go." Craig stood up and stepped towards his friend. He noted her uneasiness and tensed up a little himself "What is it Ellie?" "Um-well I just-I mean it's great to see you-but I really don't think you should be here."

Craig looked around the room a little confused "Shouldn't be here? Ellie what are you talking about? I only came all this way to see you. "Here" is you." Ellie's mouth opened but the words couldn't form. "You-you did?" she stuttered she could feel her heart pounding and she stepped back a little so that Craig wouldn't hear. "Of course-of course I did! Why else would I travel all this way right before school started for you guys?"

Ellie breathed deeply. Was Craig saying what she thought he was saying? Had he come all this way to tell her that he missed her like she missed him? He felt what she felt when she saw him? He…cared- _cared_ for her?

Ellie glanced uneasily around the room trying to find something to focus on other than Craig. "Craig? What are you talking-" "El," he said stepping towards her and turning her face towards his. She could feel his breath on her face, she could feel his lips coming toward her and she closed her eyes gently, ready to receive his kiss...his choosing her- when she heard his words "I wanted to make sure you were alright-you know, see how you were doing since Ashley just left; I figured you'd be nervous about school starting back."

Ellie's cheeks burned bright red, her eyes shot open, and she snatched her face away from Craig's. Angry at herself for being so dumb and him for being so dumb. How could he be so oblivious, how could he know her so well-better than anybody-and still not know anything?

"I'm fine, Craig." She said her voice shifting into cool anger. "Now, I think you should leave." "Ellie, what's wrong? Why are you-"Craig wrinkled his forehead and then, as though a thought hit him, a look of sudden realization overtook his face. "Ok Ellie, I get it. I'll go." Ellie looked at him a little hurt-though she knew she had no right-searching his face for understanding when it hit her.

He'd figured out that Manny didn't want him there; didn't trust him around her. Maybe Manny had even talked to him. Ellie sighed softly "Yeah," she said her eyes shifting to the floor. Sure, picked a hell of a time to realize Manning! she thought as she walked behind him toward the door.

As much as she was mad at Craig for his oblivion she didn't really want him to go. She wished that he could stay…that he would stay. She had so much to tell him, so much to say to him, so much to express. Why did he have to realize so suddenly that Manny didn't trust him? Why did he have to go now, after all his masculine oblivion?

Pea-brained, idiotic, dumbfoundedly stupid masculine oblivi- she thought when Craig interrupted Ellie's thought by grabbing her hand. "I almost forgot," he said a little hesitantly. Then he shrugged as if thinking "why not?" and-after digging it out of his endless pants pocket- placed a small green velvet box in her hand. "Here you go El. For all the birthday's, Christmas's and um-whatever else's I might miss." He said with a laugh. "I used a little of the money that my record label gave me. I figured I should put some of it to good use."

As he turned towards the door, Ellie could feel the tears rising up to her eyes. She didn't want Craig to go. Could he stay with her? She didn't want to be alone; not now. She felt her hand gripping her arm tightly. Rubbing her arm the way she did when she had an anxiety attack; a sudden urge to cut her skin; luckily for her, Craig-who recognized this gesture-couldn't see it.

Craig twisted the doorknob pulling it slowly towards him almost as though he were begging for her to ask him back in. Ellie took a chance" Craig please," she said tears rising in her eyes quicker than she could stop, "You don't have to-" "Go," A small and yet unmistakably sharp tone of voice said.

Ellie looked around Craig and saw, who else, but Manny Santos standing eyebrow arched toe tapping in her doorway. Craig now stood between the two of them. Looking first at Ellie and then at Manny. Ellie dreaded this…the moment that Craig would have to acknowledge the uneasiness…Manny would demand he'd choose…Ellie almost sunk to the ground, with the thought that this could be the last time that Craig Manning would grace her doorstep. She closed her eyes waiting for impact. Nothing happened.

When Ellie opened her eyes she was met with the sight of Craig and Manny kissing violently-Manny moreso of course than Craig-Manny pulling him toward her out the door and Craig coming obediently. Ellie almost gagged. "What a surprise," she said, after she could stand no more. "Manny Santos, for the second time today." Ellie was so mad she could have bashed Craig into the door. If he was going to be dumb and not acknowledge the tension, she certainly would.

Craig pulled away from Manny-his lip almost bleeding-"The second time?" he said with a confused expression. Ellie wanted to sock his expression into his head hoping that it would come out the other side with a look of understanding. "Yeah," Ellie said crossing her arms and staring Manny down "The second time." "But wait," Craig said, a slightly amused expression on his face "That means you knew I was here doesn't it? El, why didn't you call if you knew I was here?" "Hmmm, good question Craig." Ellie said-though at the moment she was none too interested in having not called Craig-"Manny? Do _you_ know why?" Ellie said nodding toward Manny with a questioning look Craig whipping his head around staring at Manny also.

Now it was Manny's turn to squirm and Ellie loved it. "Um-I just uh-I forgot to mention it that's all." "How could you forget to ment-" Craig started when Manny interrupted him "Craig, come on! We were supposed to be hanging out tonight? At your place? Remember?" "Tonight? No, Manny, I told you I was gonna hang with Ellie tonight." "But Craig," Manny said "I need you." The puppy dog look was implemented and Craig nodded, "Ok. You can stop now. I was just leaving anyway."

Craig turned to Ellie who-having gotten over her short-lived happiness at Manny's momentary uneasiness-was now back to having tear-filled eyes. "Look," Craig said to her stepping back inside and swiping the hair out of her face "I'll see you tomorrow ok?" Ellie nodded and she felt the burning of Manny's hateful eyes into her skull. "Thanks for coming Craig." She managed without an overflow of tears. Craig stood back and looked her over managed a weak smile then leaning over and hugging her said "I hope you like the gift." Then he kissed her, on the cheek, of course; but the look on Manny's face had been enough to diminish the tears and keep Ellie softly daydreaming of Craig all night.

His kiss had so much intensity, that she couldn't help but dream all night of his _full_ powerful kiss, the kind that she would never have to force him to give, the kind that he would give voluntarily passionately and with….love.

_Back to the classroom... _

"ELLIE NASH!" Mr. Simpson, her 2nd period teacher, screamed as Ellie jumped eyes wide open, alert and shocked. Snake leaned down staring into her eyes and then saying slowly "Are you _O-K_ Ellie?" Ellie nodded quickly realizing that she had been sitting here daydreaming for the first 20 minutes of the lunch period. "You sure? I called you five times." "I'm fine!" Ellie said, embarrassed snatching her books off of her desk and rushing down the hall.

_Scene Change: (Cafeteria)_

Emma waited reluctantly before walking over to sit down with Manny at their usual table. She wasn't in a good mood Emma could tell and neither was she. Manny was her best friend but when both of them were in a bad mood it was certified trouble; and Emma didn't feel like arguing today.

"Hey," Emma said shoving a French fry into her mouth as she plopped-almost slammed-her tray onto the table "Hey," Manny murmured, and then continued staring across the lunch room searching for someone. Emma felt bad about having shouted at Peter. She knew that he was only trying to help and she also knew he was sensitive. She decided to cool down a little and tell Manny.

"I don't think he's coming." She semi-whispered. Manny paid her no attention and instead kept searching "I told him to buzz off, I told him to get lost, I think he did." Manny looked at Emma now. A puzzled and annoyed look "_Did_ what?" "Got lost." Manny stared at Emma. What was she yammering on about now? "Emma? Why would you tell Ellie to get lost?" "Ellie?" "Ellie." Manny nodded stuffing a fry into her mouth as though her looking for Ellie was perfectly normal. "Ellie?" Emma stated incredulously, "Manny? Why are you looking for Ellie?" Manny shoved a few more fries into her mouth "I need to talk to her." "About…?" "It doesn't matter! I just do ok?" Manny snapped. Emma held her tongue. She had a tendency to respond to people with in ways that hurt them and at the moment she didn't wanna hurt anyone else.

"Sorry Manny, I just-it's Peter." Manny's expression changed to one of compassion and she leaned in stroking her friend's shoulder "What about Peter?" "I mean I snapped at him today cuz he asked me what was wrong. It's just that I'm so tired of everybody acting like I'm some kind of-" "Freak. I know the feeling." Peter said as he walked up to Emma and Manny "Peter, I'm sorry I just I snapped." "I know Em, it's ok."

"Look, I think we need to talk ok?" The tone in Peter's voice was strained as though he spoke with anxiety; like he thought-no knew that something bad was about to happen. Inwardly Emma could feel herself sighing More problems, great but she smiled at Peter and said "Ok, do you want me to call you?" "No, no I'll-I'll call you-I mean uh-well we'll figure it out." Peter said and then he turned and walked away.

"Oh no," Manny said as they watched him walk away. "Emma what if he wants to break up." Tears welled up in Emma's eyes. Manny added quickly "I'm sorry Emma, I mean that's probably not it." Emma let out a small gasp, catching her breath and willing the tears not to come. "You're right, Manny, that's probably not it." Emma said, smiling at her friend. Inwardly she sighed thinking But, I sure wish it was.


	6. Wishing they knew 3a

_**Chapter 3a**_

**_Wishing They Knew...But Glad They Don't_**...

**Emma:**

_What Do I Say?_

_What I do I say to a great mom; a holy saint...?_

"Mom I want you to know...I felt like killing myself today!"?

_What do I say to a Dad who always tries...?_

"Dad! I'm sick of you staring at me! I'm starting to hate your eyes!"

_What do I say to a best friend who always helps me?_

"Manny! I'm sick of your issues! Get a life outside of the bed sheets!"

_What do I say to a boyfriend trying so hard to love me?_

"I'm trying to care about you Peter...but most times you mean _nothing_!"

_What do I say to someone I want so badly to hate; who probably hates me?_

"I miss you, I need you, I'm scared without you...

Please save me!"

**Sean:**

So Much

So much to say

So much to do

So much to start...

So much for starting today

Man, it's too dark


	7. Better Than Lonely 4

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi…I don't own Sean. I only own my imagination and with that-heh, heh-I can do whatever I want**_

**Chapter 4**

**Better than Lonely**

Emma waited that night for a call she didn't receive, but she sighed inwardly, a sigh of relief.

Emma knew that she was being unfair to Peter by allowing him to give himself to her, when she couldn't give herself; not now, not yet. But she still wanted to be with him…just so she wouldn't be so alone.

"He didn't call yet did he?" Manny said walking over and sitting on Emma's bed next to her. Emma shook her head. "Well, maybe he'll call a little later." Manny said rubbing Emma's shoulder instinctively "It's ok Manny; I didn't feel much like talking to him anyway." Emma said, standing up and walking over to the window to stare off into the distance.

Manny watched her friend with a worried eye but she left the subject alone. Manny knew that Emma was still hurting…from the shooting, she thought, but she had noticed lately that Emma had deeper demons, darker ones, and they had started to surface slowly over the last 2 years. First in the form her changed appearance and attitude, and then in the form of her sexual escapade with Jay, and then in the form of Anorexia. But either way Manny knew that Emma would talk when she felt ready and it wasn't like Manny to push her.

Besides that, Manny's head was swimming with her own current issue; Craig. Unlike Emma, Manny needed a friend, wanted some comfort. "At least your boyfriend _wants_ to talk to _you_." Manny said, sprawling her body backwards over the bed. Emma turned at glared at Manny, she was too deep into her own thoughts right now to care about Manny's. But, she sighed and walked over still, sitting down next to Manny with open ears. "What's wrong Manny?" She said robotically.

Manny didn't notice and continued. "It's Craig. I mean, well you know he and I haven't been as close as we were since he left." "Really? Haven't you been spending nights at his house?" Emma said, tilting her head to the side, and surprising herself realizing she didn't know of her friends troubles. Manny eyes cast downward as she sat up, "Well, yeah, but I mean _that's_ the reason why." Emma look puzzled, as she shook her blonde waves, "What's the reason?" Manny looked ashamed of herself as she spoke the words "I've been sleeping with Craig lately so I can…you know…" "Control him?" Emma said not at all as surprised at Manny's behavior as she had been when it first began. Manny nodded and tears formed in her eyes. "Not to control him really but to st- stop him from hanging out with Ellie as much." "But, Manny, I mean Craig loves you, you know that, when did you start to think-" "Well, you know Ellie likes him and I always knew that but I just-I thought that I had him, you know, but lately he's been acting like-like he might be falling for her!" Manny gasped collapsing into her friends arms.

Emma hugged her sobbing friend, and patted her tan arms, "Manny, if he really loves you, he won't leave you. Not for Ellie, not for anyone." As Emma said the words they stung her remembering her own situation "If he loves you…he won't break your heart." And Emma sobbed silently to herself as she comforted her friend as best she could, knowing what it felt like to not want to be alone.

_Scene Change: Ellie's apartment early the next morning (Wednesday)._

Ellie opened her eyes wide and smiled to herself, as she awoke. Craig was the first thought on her mind and she laughed out loud thinking about him. She jumped out of bed and danced toward the bathroom turning up her radio and singing along with the old song "Do you love me!"

After bathing and dressing. Ellie's mood darkened considerably remembering her situation. "Why do I have to love a guy who's involved." She said, thinking about Monday night when Craig had come by. She laughed a little as she added "And is a complete idiot."

It suddenly occurred to Ellie. If Craig didn't know that Manny…"_suspected"_ her, why did he act as though he understood that he wasn't supposed to be at her apartment and leave so suddenly?

"I'll figure _that_ out later," she said to herself as she walked toward her bedroom, content to forget that problem for now, in lieu of everything else she was worried about.

Remembering Craig's visit also made Ellie remember the velvet box; the one she'd never opened. "Oh, yeah," She said walking into her room and over to the nightstand, where'd she'd placed the box the night it was given. She played with it in her fingers for a moment, smoothing over the soft feel and remembering Craig's hand when placing it in her own. She shivered at the memory, and then shook it off defiantly "You two are just friends. That's all you are." She told herself, but opening the box she gasped at the contents, raising her white shaky hand up to her startled lips and wondering what their relationship really w_as_.

Inside the box was a thin pearl choker with a black oval in the center. It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry Ellie had ever been given, and now her favorite piece just because Craig gave it to her. "You idiot!" she said reprimanding Craig to herself, "How much did this cost?" As she said this and rubbed her fingers over it gently, the phone rang startling her to the point that she almost dropped the box.

"Hello?" she huffed into the phone trying to catch her breathe from being startled and from racing to answer "Hey El!" She heard Craig say cheerfully into the other end. Ellie smiled, but tried to hide it from her voice "What's up Manning?" "Nothin' much," "Why on earth are you calling so early?" A slight pause and then Craig said "Well…you're probably getting dressed for school right?" "Right…?" Ellie said, wondering what he was leading to. Craig paused again then said, in a whiny almost pleading voice "Do you _have_ to go today?" Ellie smiled, "Do I have a reason not to?" she mused, "If that reason is at your door in, oh say, about 10 minutes, will you spend the day with him instead?" Ellie's smile widened but her mind raced a little. _What do I wear? How do I dress? Where are we going? Take that Ms. Santos!_ But she simply said to Craig "Sure," then she added threateningly playful "But, my reason had better be here soon." After exchanging goodbyes Ellie hung up and dashed back into her bedroom closing the door and upsetting her closet in a frenzy to change.

_Scene change: Peter's room_

Peter stood in front of his bedroom mirror, shirt off, his pale skin having tanned considerably since summer. He laughed at himself flexing a little in the mirror. "Emma," he thought suddenly and then his smiled vanished as he thought about the talk that she would no doubt demand to have with him. "What am I going to say to her?" he thought, pulling his shirt over his head and then flopping disheartened onto his bed.

Peter dreaded speaking to Emma about what he had to say. He knew that what he wanted to say would either define or ruin their relationship, but he had to confront it. "I have to," he told his reflection as he returned to the mirror, trying to convince himself, and find his courage "I love her."

_Scene change: Degrassi High (Lunchtime)_

As the hallway flooded with kids, Emma rushed her way outside to sit on the steps of the school. Sometimes she couldn't bear to be in the school for longer than needed and right now was one of those times. She wanted to be as far away from Manny and Peter as she could. Though she knew Manny wouldn't want to talk anyway, Peter undoubtedly, would. So she plopped down onto the steps determined to spend her lunch reading some weird book or other she'd picked up from the library.

Her plans were abruptly disturbed as a boy walked up and sat down next to her. Emma turned toward him and then let out a little gasp "Jay, what do you want now?" She said through clenched teeth, as she stood up steadying herself and calming her at the same time. She didn't want a repeat of her first day and she was determined not to let Jay force her into that scream, that feeling of helplessness that he always seemed to. Jay looked up at her a little surprised, "What? Why do I have to want something?" He hissed standing up and glaring down at her, "I can't just visit my friend?" he said quietly, as he reached over to lightly touch her arm.

Emma snatched her arm away and stared at Jay angrily "No, Jay, you can't. And I am not your friend, you bastard!" Emma hated Jay. She hated Jay for allowing her to stoop to a level that even now, even then, she despised. And she hated him for constantly reminded her how vulnerable she really was. Going down on him had shown a weakness that she'd never wanted to reveal; especially to someone like _Jay_.

"Well, I guess I'd better go then." Jay said, sounding a little hurt and huffing down the stairs "I guess you'd better!" Emma called after him "And Jay," she said walking down the steps so she wouldn't have to shout. Jay turned around just as he was climbing into his car "If you ever come here again, I'll report you!" Jay waved his hand at her hand but his eyes showed an anger that he didn't express.

Emma saw Jay's anger and smiled to herself, glad that she'd gotten her point across.

"Are you sure you really wanna do that?" she heard someone saying from behind her. Emma turned around and looked directly into the blue eyes of Peter. "Do what?" she said stepping towards him with a smile. Peter backed away from her. "Are you sure you wanna report him?" "Oh. Jay?" Emma said, a look of realization crossing her face "He's nothing important, I just don't like him slinking around," as she said this she leaned in to kiss Peter and Peter pushed her back. "I don't know Emma, lately it seems like he really _is_ important. Maybe even more important than me." And with that Peter turned and walked away.

Emma opened her mouth to call him but held her tongue. Why was Peter doing this? Why would she like Jay? And what the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he understand that a lot had happened to Emma and she had so much to handle that it was almost a chore for her to even date him? She didn't know and at that moment she was a little happy that he was angry with her. This way they wouldn't have to talk. _At least not yet_, she thought, as she walked back up the stairs

_Scene Change: That evening at Ellie's_

"God Craig, I had a great time!" Ellie said to her friend at the door as he was turning to leave. He smiled brightly "I had fun too El! Maybe we'll do it again sometime." "I hope so! Call me tomorrow night okay?" Ellie said and then, to her utter horror she called out, "I love you Craig!" as Craig was turning from the door. _Oh my God! You idiot, _she thought to herself, freezing not knowing what to say as Craig turned towards her. Craig's face went from expressionless to a wide smile as he said "I love you too, El! God you're so cute!" and as he leaned forward to kiss her forehead, Ellie felt that now familiar tingling going down her spine.

Closing the door and sliding to the floor, Ellie sighed with relief and regret. The relief was that Craig mistook her meaning and the regret was that Craig _mistook_ her meaning. "I wish I could just tell him and get it over with." She muttered walking toward her kitchen.

Instead of thinking about that further Ellie smiled to herself as she recounted her day. Craig had picked her up and they'd rode a bus around town, sightseeing and taking pictures. They'd snacked on nacho's and soda and just talked and laughed all day. Craig had even played his guitar on the corner for money and he and Ellie laughed as they sat crosslegged on a park bench counting out quarters.

Ellie suddenly remembered their conversation on that park bench and the concern on her face returned.

A pause in their flow of speech had led Ellie to choose that moment to ask Craig why he'd "acted so weird and left like that, the other night?" Craig looked up at her trying to recall and once he had he'd said, "You told me to," "No not that, I mean, I just meant it was late and all." Ellie'd lied looking down at the money "But you acted like you _had_ to leave, for some…other reason." Craig was studying Ellie intently as she looked up into his richly brown eyes. "Well, I figured, you know, that Sean would be home soon?" Ellie hadn't been able to believe her ears, and it showed on her face as she said with a look of surprise, "Sean! Sean Cameron, _Sean!_ _That Sean?_ Why in the world would Sean Cameron dare come to_ my_ apartment?" Ellie'd surprised herself at how heated she'd gotten just hearing his name. Craig had stared at her incredulously, "You mean you didn't talk to Sean? He hasn't come back yet?"

"Come '_back yet?'"_ Ellie said puzzled, and now frustrated, "Look Manning, you'd better tell me what you're talking about, before I go crazy."

And so he had. Craig had gone on to tell Ellie that he'd run into Sean at a rest area on his way to Toronto. Sean had told Craig all about his plans to go back to Ellie and apologize. He also said that he was going to see something about their apartment.

This news pretty much ruined Ellie's night. She'd decided she wouldn't let it ruin her day and had brushed it off saying, "Oh, well, he's not here yet." And continued counting coins and started telling Craig about some ferret she was trying to get.

"God, Sean," Ellie said to herself as she flopped onto the couch, "I sure hope your not dumb enough to show your ass back up here!" Ellie flipped on the distracting television, distracting herself from thoughts about Craig and Manny. But mostly distracting herself from the thought that if Sean did show up, asking her forgiveness at this moment, she knew she'd throw herself wholeheartedly into his arms, just so she wouldn't have to be alone.

**(Please review! I want feedback, seriously!)**


	8. Better than Lonely 4a

_**Chapter 4a **_

**_Better than lonely…_**

**Emma: **

Hopeless

It's hopeless

Why am I hanging on?

It's hopeless

I can't see past this blindness

It's hopeless

Noone can see that I am still hurting

It's hopeless

Because I don't want them to see

Don't want them to look into my soul and see

That I am…

Hopeless

**Sean:**

**Ridiculous!**

I can't think straight

Her face is all I see now

I can't even sleep

Why am I being such a coward

Why is this so damn hard!

This is ridiculous!

She can't feel any worse than I'm feeling!

I mean, she can't hate me as much as I hate myself!

I have to face this…

Face her.

This is getting ridiculous!

**(Please review! Feedback is needed!)**


	9. Tears 5

**Chapter 5**

**Tears**

"God!" Emma said suddenly as she burst up from her bed, tears already streaming down her face. Manny was gone and so she jumped from her bed, throwing her pillow to the ground. "Why do I even bother trying to freaking sleep!" she said as she fell to the ground sobbing.

Her nightmare had awakened her once again. This time Sean had died. Rick had killed him and then he'd walked toward her and shot her to death, and then turned the gun on himself shooting himself. But then, the gun had appeared in Emma's hand and Rick and Sean both had looked up at her "_You_ did this!" They both shouted at her until she woke up screaming.

Emma got up from her place on the floor and rushed to the window. The need to breathe overwhelmed her and she fell into the grass gasping for her sanity.

"Why Rick? Why did you have to die? Why did you want to _kill_ me?" Emma sobbed, as she made her way across her grass till she finally collapsed again in tears. "Why? Why Sean Cameron? Why did you have to leave just when I needed you? I know I wasn't your girlfriend but I really needed you. I wanted you. I thought that you would be there for me! Why did you even save my life if you were just going to make me wish I was dead?" Emma said, taking her anger out on the grass, as she ripped it from the ground. _Maybe I'm so unbearable that people can't stand me,_ she thought, _Rick wanted to **kill **me and then Sean left me. Maybe the problem is…me_ she thought, and broke into uncontrollable sobs as she let her body fall helplessly into the grass.

_Slight Scene Change: The street in front of Emma's house._

Maybe he needed to pump himself up that night, before he could face her the next day. Maybe he just wanted to see that her house was still there, like it had always been. He wasn't sure, but either way he just happened to be walking that street at that moment, striding slowly towards her house.

As he got closer, he saw something laying in the grass._ A body?_ He thought at first, but as he drew closer, he realized that this "body" was breathing, heavily. He stopped short, squinting in the dark to try and make out the figure and just as he made out who it was, he also said the name more to himself than to her "Emma?" his voice trembled as he spoke and his body trembled as she looked up at him; her blonde hair beautified even more by the moonlight.

Even though she'd acknowledged him, he stayed where he was in the street, and she stayed where she lay. Neither of them breathed, neither of them moved, just stared at one another in the darkness.

_Scene Change: Craig's Garage/Room_

Craig slipped into his room smiling to himself. He'd gotten he and Ellie's pictures developed and just looking at them, the fresh memory, made him smile at his luck for having such a cool friend.

"Where have you been?" he heard from behind him and he turned toward Manny, who sat arms and legs crossed with a questioning look on her face. "Manny?" Craig said walking towards her slowly; he knew her well enough to know when she was upset. "Yeah, Craig. Manny. Your _girlfriend_, remember? The one who came to see you and waited for you almost-" she paused as she stood up, staring at her watch "2 ½ hrs. Now where the hell were you!"

Manny's tone shocked Craig. She'd never screamed at him like this before. It actually puzzled him, but he answered as best he could, calmly "I hung out with Ellie today. That's all." Manny just stared at him, blinked a few times and then, her eyes full of anger, she shouted "You couldn't call me! Let me know that I wouldn't be seeing you today!" "God Manny! I mean, you _could've_ called me. I didn't know it was that big a deal. You're not the only person I have to visit." Manny huffed "Well, I _should_ still be the one you call! I _should_ be the one you talk to and make sure that I'm doing ok!" The way she was saying should implied that there was someone else he called instead. Manny continued "I mean how am I supposed to know when I'm going to see you!" As Manny said this, her voice cooled a little and she walked toward Craig, wanting him to hug her up and calm her nerves.

"Manny, I was going to call you as soon as I got home," Craig said taking her into to his arms and hugging her gently. Manny sighed, relieved all too soon as Craig said, "I mean, it's not like you haven't been spending the night, _every _night since I've been back. I guess I just figured you'd come tonight too."

Manny's body tensed at Craig's words, and she snapped her head up glaring at him, her eyes filling with tears "So what am I? Just you're _whore_?" Craig shook his head speechless, "Manny-I-I-I didn't mean-" Manny reached over and slapped Craig, knocking the photo pack from his hand. Craig stared at her and held his stinging face, but Manny's attention turned towards the ground. One particular picture caught her eye.

Craig and Ellie sat on a park bench hugging one another. Craig had Ellie pulled tightly to his chest and she smiled happily at the cameraman. Craig was kissing her redhead and Manny could almost see the delight on Ellie's face. Manny stooped down and picked up the picture. "So I'm just your whore now, and _she's_ your girlfriend is that it!" "Manny you're overreacting!" Craig said stepping towards her trying to hug her. "Craig, DON'T!" Manny said, and as she raced towards and out the door she burst into tears. Craig stared after her, trying to figure out what he'd done wrong now.

_Scene Change: Outside Emma's house_

Emma stood up slowly and just stared at the person in front of her. The tears were fresh on her face and a few more rolled down. She didn't even try to wipe them away; if this was truly who she thought it was, she didn't give a _damn_ if he saw her crying.

"Jay?" She said angrily, trying to figure out why in the world _he_ was at her house; at 3 in the morning no less. "No, no-Emma," he stuttered "Sean. It's me-Sean." Sean said, taking off his grey hoodie so she could see his face clearer. Emma gasped, backed up a little and then she repeated to herself in a whisper, "Sean Cameron." Sean nodded and stepped towards her "I'm sorry, I mean I- I didn't know you'd be out here. I didn't wanna see you right now- not like this."

Emma just looked at him taking in his face, his eyes, his…lips. She just looked at his hair, longer, than the last time she'd seen it. Was he really standing in front of her? Was she dreaming? Instead of figuring it out she decided to just take the opportunity to speak to him. Real Sean or dream Sean it didn't matter.

"It-it doesn't matter Sean. What are you-" Emma stopped noticing how rude that would sound, "_How_ are you doing?" she said, gasping as she contained herself from crying more. The happiness and sadness that tangled together at the sight of seeing Sean-Dream Sean or Real Sean-overwhelmed her and she just poured out the words that came; second to what she _really _wanted to say. Sean looked down at his shoes, kicking at the grass, obviously embarrassed, and inwardly fighting the urge to embrace her, "I've-I've been good." He said, "You?" Emma paused here; she wanted so badly to tell him the truth, she wanted so badly to disclose how'd she'd _really_ been, the fact that she'd been desperate and crying and alone.

But remembering that when Sean left, she hadn't even been his girlfriend, and then the way he left and becoming flooded once again with those desperate and angry feelings, she answered simply and coldly "O.k. I guess,"

Sean kept his head toward the ground, but moved his eyes up to look at her shyly, the way he always did when he was trying to figure out how to say something. Emma would've recognized this look if she hadn't been to busy growing increasingly angry at his presence. "I-I was going to-I was going to wait till tomorrow to talk to you, but since we're both here…I guess I can say something now." He said, amazed at the way his heart still raced at the sight of her.

Emma's word cut him like a knife, "We have _nothing_ to talk about, Sean." She said, and turned walking towards her window. Sean frowned; he'd expected her to be cold, but not this cold "Emma!" He said rushing toward her and then jumping in front of her, "Look, I know that I left like…that. And I know that it's been _hard_ for you, but it's been _hard_ for me too." Emma was too angry to notice that his voice was faltering a little as he spoke. Emma's teeth clenched and her tears came suddenly, "No, Sean! You don't! You don't know shit about what it's been like for me, so let's not pretend that you do!" Sean was startled by Emma's force, but he went on, controlling his own tears from gushing, "I'm sorry Emma. I'm sorry. Emma, I just-I had to see you. I had to talk to you and you know I'm not so good at talk-"

"How long have you been here, Sean?" Emma asked suddenly. Sean was a little surprised by her question "I, uh, I just got-" "Have you seen Ellie yet?" "No, I-I haven't. I-" "Well, Sean, last time I checked, _she_ was your girlfriend. So maybe you should be at _her_ house stuttering in _her_ ear as opposed to mine, at 3 in the freaking morning!" Emma finished and then stomped past Sean and slid into her window, full of emotions.

She was angry at herself for losing it; angry at him for showing up at this moment; Glad that she was able to find an easy excuse not to talk to him when she so desperately wanted to. She felt so vulnerable and weak and knew that if she'd spoken she'd have told him everything; everything. The very thought of that made her collapse into tears again, as she stuffed her face into her pillow, residing quietly on the floor.

Sean was left outside to stare after Emma. Tears already forcing there way to his eyes, "No!" he protested to himself as he yanked his hoodie over his head and stomped down the street. "Not now, not over _this!_" He slid into his car and sped down the street wondering where he was headed but determined to get as far away from Emma's as possible…for now.

**(Please review! Feedback is needed!)**


	10. Tears 5a

_**Chapter 5a **_

_**Tears… **_

**Emma: **

Just a Dream

Was that real?

No, I was hallucinating

…I think.

I should've touched him to see if he was really there

To see if…

I might have a reason to smile again,

Laugh…again,

Hope…again,

_Live_…again,

No…

I think it was just a dream.

**Sean:**

I Knew

I knew I was going to pay

I knew she was going to hate

I knew I was going to want what I can't have

I knew I was going to love her…again

**(Feedback please!)**


	11. A Mess of Emotions 6

**Chapter 6**

**A Mess of Emotions **

The morning greeted Emma like a rock dropping right onto her head. She opened her eyes and at the same time she closed them, hoping that the daylight was just her imagination. She wasn't sure what was wrong but she felt strange; she'd never had one but she figured this must be what it was like to have a hangover.

"Ugghhh," she said sitting up, her head throbbing suddenly. Something strange was going on…wasn't it? She tried hard to remember the previous night. It was-she'd been crying. Uncontrollably. Maybe she'd had a nervous breakdown. "Sean!" She remembered suddenly She remembered seeing him, speaking to him, but not what she'd said. She sighed softly, "I must've had a dream about him," And then she laid down pulling the covers over her head, saddened by the thought of a Sean dream that she couldn't even remember.

She'd wondered why she hadn't awakened, screaming as usual. And why she'd slept until morning. _Must've been a soothing dream, _she thought, and smiled thinking that maybe the nightmares were finally going to stop.

"You must be psychic, Em." Manny said, walking over to Emma's bed with a glass of water and an Aleve pill. Emma smiled at the first sight of her friend, whom she assumed must've spent the night with Craig and come in superlate/early as usual.

Emma took the Aleve Manny gave her saying, "No, you must be psychic, Manny. How did you know my head was hurting?" Emma gulped down the Aleve and the water," Manny tilted her head and looked at her friend with an amused expression, "When I got in, about 30 min ago, you were lying on the floor sleep. I helped you up and into bed and you said your head hurt, but you wouldn't take this then. So, I figured you'd want it now."

Emma nodded as she drunk the water. "Oh thanks." "No prob Em." Manny said as she walked over to her side of the room to get dressed. She pulled back the curtain that surrounded her bed as a semi-room divider/dressing room. As she got dressed she called "Oh! What I meant about _you_ being psychic was that, you said you had a dream about him, and there's a rumor going around Degrassi that Sean Cameron _is_ back in town." Emma started at the words "_Sean!_ **_Back!_** _Rumor!_ Manny, _what_ are you talking about?" Emma said stomping out of her bed and rushing over to Manny, pulling back her curtain. "Emma!" "Sorry, Manny?" Emma said closing the curtain on her topless friend, "But um, what are you talking about? When did you hear that?" "Yesterday, in-ugh- school." Manny replied, inbetween strained gasps as she struggled into her jeans. "A bunch of kids were talking about "that hero kid" and saying they heard "he was back".

The slow realization that it hadn't been a dream came as Emma backed up and fell onto her bed. "Oh my God!" She said her "It wasn't a dream!" Now it was Manny's turn to rip back the curtain. "You mean you actually _saw_ Sean!" She said, apparently, Emma noted, more excited than she was at the notion that Sean had returned.

As far as Manny was concerned, she felt that Sean would save she and Craig's relationship. No more Ellie to interfere; she'd be to busy with her own boyfriend to try and hang out with Manny's.

Emma nodded, stunned at the sudden recollection of what had happened. "I-I think so. I think he came here last night." "Really?" Manny said, walking over and sitting next to Emma. "What'd he say?" "I don't really know. I think we got into some kind of an argument." Manny sighed, then her melancholy look brightened a little, as she said thoughtfully, "If he came here last night, maybe he'd already gone to Ellie's!"

Emma glared at her friend. _Sometimes_, Emma thought, _it seems like Craig and Manny were made for each other; they can both be **so **oblivious. _But, instead of commenting on Manny's assumption, Emma walked toward the bathroom to get washed up._ What the Hell was Sean doing **here** last night_? She thought, puzzled at the previous nights events. Convincing herself that it was a dream that morning had allowed her to forget his actual presence and the way she'd felt seeing him.

Now she remembered, how'd she'd been, _where she'd been_ when Sean had seen her and that same feeling of helplessness engulfed her once again. "God, Sean!" She said to herself as she slipped her nightshirt from over her head, "What kind of mess are you going to make of me _this time_?"

_Scene Change: Degrassi High (at the school vending machine) _

Peter walked up to the vending machine determined to get some chips before school. He hadn't eaten the previous night-worrying about his relationship with Emma-and he was now too hungry to even think about class. The guy standing in front of him was just staring at the glass as though he had no intention of buying anything and Peter was getting impatient.

After about 2 more minutes of this Peter said irately, "Are you going to buy something?" The guy gave no answer, just kept staring at the glass. Peter nudged his shoulder "I said: are you going to _buy something _or not?" The boy turned around and stared at Peter; Peter stared back his eyes full of challenging contempt. Peter was, in actuality, nervous-and a little sad-thinking about what Emma's reaction to what he had to say to her would be. This guy just happened to be the first target he'd had all morning to release some of his aggression on and he wasn't about to miss the opportunity.

Sean was the guy. Peter had interrupted his thought pattern and now, Sean stared at him, more angry at himself for staring dumbly at the machine than at Peter, for interrupting him.

Sean had been thinking about Emma the previous night. How different she'd seemed, how...sad. On his way to go and speak to the principal, about possibly reentering Degrassi, he stopped at the vending machine, after catching a glimpse of his reflection as he was rushing by. He'd been studying his reflection intently and trying to figure out an emotion to describe himself with.

This was a practice Sean had taken up since the shooting to try and make sure that he never lost control of his emotions again. It helped him contain emotions easier if he could recognize and acknowledge them the moment they were felt. He never delved too deep into it, being Sean, but he still knew that a few seconds of "figuring myself out" as he called it, was much easier than the entire year he'd spent trying to find himself when all along he'd left the only part of him that he could ever claim with pride here in Toronto; in Degrassi.

Love, self-hatred, disgust, and hopelessness all seemed to be engulfing him at once, when he felt a slight push at his shoulder, snapping him back to reality.

Sean's anger rose and fell at the same time; he knew hitting this kid would prove nothing, but he still felt the overwhelming need to lash out against something, someone.

Sean suppressed his urge and instead glared at Peter, eyes full of misplaced disgust, "Look, kid," "Peter!" "I don't care," Sean snapped, his voice and face full of annoyed arrogance, "Look- just- just move!" He said, pushing past Peter after deciding that he wasn't worth the time. "Oh and kid!" Sean huffed, turning sharply toward Peter again, "Don't ever touch me."

"Yeah, whatever!" Peter remarked smartly, just having to say something, as Sean quickly stomped away.

It had occurred to Peter that this guy looked kind of familiar, but he couldn't quite place him. Having seen pictures of Emma's ex-who'd become somewhat of a legend since saving Emma at the school's shooting-he had a pretty good idea of what Sean Cameron looked like. But, ironically, it was Sean's trademark black bandana and hoodie pulled protectively over his eyes-added to the fact that Peter didn't really get a good look at him, as he'd muscled his way past him-, that had made it hard for Peter to recognize him.

Peter ultimately decided that Sean was just some new kid, trying to prove how tough he was on the first day. Still, Peter couldn't help but to be annoyed and muttered, "Dumb, jackass!" as he slid his dollar bill into the machine.

_Scene Change: (Inside of Snake-Mr. Simpson's-classroom) _

"Emma Nelson!" Snake said forcefully, as he gently touched his daughters shoulder. "Yes!" Emma said, jerking her head toward him. Emma hadn't been asleep but, she had been in a state of dazed confusion for most of the day. "Emma, this is the 4rth time I've had to call you this morning. Are you okay?" As he said this, Snake placed his hand onto her cool forehead. Emma shook him off "I'm ok Da-I mean, Mr. Simpson." Emma said with a reassuring smile.

Emma stood up, looking a little out of sorts, but not as bad as she actually felt, "Um, can I take a washroom break, though?" "Of course," Snake said, as he stepped aside with a look of growing concern on his face. Emma rolled her eyes as she walked into the hallway, tired of Snake's constant worry. She breathed a welcome breath of the air as she stepped into the hallway and made her way towards the girls washroom.

As she entered, Emma sighed a small breath of relief realizing that she was in the washroom alone. She had no desire to be bothered by any of Degrassi's girls right about now.

Sean showing up only added a whole different kind of troubling element onto her already depressing existence. She loved Sean so much that just the thought of him standing in her presence the previous night had been enough to reduce her to a state of shaken and indescribable emotion, and she hadn't been able to think clearly the entire day.

But, now that Emma was alone, her paranoia hit her like a gush of freezing water, stinging her face and flooding her mind with thoughts that had, until now, been scrambled and of little real affect.

_What's Sean going to do? Where is he staying? Is he in love with Ellie? Are we ever going to be able to talk about what happened? What do I say to him? What can I say to him? How is he dealing? _

And then, for the first time, a disturbing thought passed through Emma's mind. _Jay! What is Sean going to think when he finds out about what happened with Jay! _How would Sean feel when he found out about who she'd become?

The thought of Sean discovering her pain; weakness; the insecurity and desperation that his leaving and the shooting had reduced her to, scared Emma. She was so ashamed of herself, of what Sean would think of her, that her legs trembled as a few unforgiving tears slid down her cheeks and she suddenly felt faint. Remembering where she was, and that she had to get back to class, Emma turned on the water splashing her face violently, as though it would somehow wake her from the dream-nightmare really-that she was suddenly feeling her life had become._ Shake it off, Emma! Shake it off!_ She thought, forcing the unwelcome thoughts, and tears, back into herself.

Glancing in the mirror at her now paste like makeup, her wet blonde hair sticking to her forehead, Emma managed a small smile. _I look like welcome to Goth Chick 101... _

It suited that Ellie Nash walked into the washroom door at this moment-having for a while, been labeled Degrassi's token" Goth chick-and Emma thought as much as Ellie walked in. For a moment they just stared at one another; Ellie, taken aback at Emma's sick, almost ghostly appearance; Emma, trying to figure out what to say to Ellie.

Emma let out an embarrassed laugh "I-I got kinda' sick." she said turning quickly away from Ellie to finish washing the pasty make-up from her face. "Rigggghhhhtttt." Ellie said, nodding her head in an unconvinced manner, as she walked into one of the stalls. It wasn't like Ellie to assume things, but she was smart enough to know that there was something else going on with the notoriously troubled Emma Nelson.

Ellie and Emma had never had much of a relationship. It was very common for the two of them to be in the same place, same time, same aisle of the grocery store, and never even acknowledge one another. However, ever since Ellie had dated Sean, she and Emma's relationship had become almost hostile. At first, it had been because of Ellie's apparent disgust at her boyfriends' ex-and Emma's apparent disgust at Sean's choice for a girlfriend. But later, the hostility intensified with Ellie's own growing resentment-beginning after the three of them traveled to Wasaga Beach- about the parts of Sean that she realized Emma had been able to touch, feel; when, no matter how hard she'd tried, Ellie had never been able to even reach them.

Emma was semi-oblivious to this new hostility and so, being herself, she felt an obligation to say something to Ellie about Sean. After, Ellie had exited the stall and Emma had finished reapplying her makeup, she took a breath and turned to Ellie saying, "So...how've you been?" Ellie raised her eyebrow slightly and after studying Emma's face for intention she shrugged, replying "The same as always, I guess." Thinking this would satisfy Emma. As Ellie washed her hands, she shook her head thinking, _Weird… _"Well," Ellie said nodding at Emma as she turned towards the door to leave, "See ya," "Ellie, wait," Emma said, not knowing what to say, but reacting to her need to tell Ellie what had happened the previous night.

She decided against telling her what had happened and said instead, as she pulled on and looked down at her fingers nervously, "Um, have you heard anything…about Sean?" Now, Ellie turned her full attention toward Emma, her eyes dancing dizzily around the room as she tried to hide her own anxiety at the sound of his name. "Yeah," she said walking slowly back towards Emma. "I heard...some things. How about you?"

Emma struggled with whether or not to tell Ellie the truth. She knew that by now Ellie and Sean had broken up and she even knew-as everyone else knew-that Ellie liked Craig, but she still couldn't help but think that it would hurt Ellie to know that Sean had come to see her first. "Yeah, um, some kids said they saw him. They-they said he's back." Ellie nodded, not exactly sure what to say to this, the same way she'd been unsure when Craig had mentioned Sean to her. She wondered if anyone still thought she loved, or even liked, Sean. People always seemed to think that he would have some kind of "unfinished business" with her. But, as far as Ellie was concerned, any business she and Sean had, had long ago been wrecked, murdered, buried and gone straight to hell. "Well, I just, I just thought I should tell you." Emma said trembling a little herself. "Well…Thanks." Ellie said smiling weakly as she turned and exited the washroom.

Emma trailed out behind Ellie and both were greeted with a distraught looking Craig, "Em-Emma!" Craig stammered rushing toward her at such a rate, that she backed up into the wall. "What Craig!" She said, startled at the look of worry in the face of one of her old friends, and thinking immediately that something was wrong with,_ Manny!_… "What is it!" "It's Manny," Craig said sounding despondent "Oh my God, Craig! what happened to her?" Emma gasped, "Happened? To Manny? Nothing I haven't seen her that's all. Have you? Seen her, I mean?" Emma almost punched Craig in the shoulder for scaring her. "No, Craig" she said her heartbeat regulating again, "She's skipping today." Then remembering Ellie, Emma turned towards her not sure what to or not to say to her.

Ellie simply smiled, said "Hey Craig." and began to make her way down the hall. "Hey, Ellie!" Craig said racing toward her. Craig grabbed her shoulders and pushed Ellie carefully, but firmly to the wall "You've gotta help me!" He said, breathing heavily into her face. Ellie was noticeably annoyed at Craig's beckoning and pushed his hands off of her arms "Craig," she said, pushing him back slightly and pushing herself up off of the wall, "The only thing I've_ "got"_ to do, is go to class." "No, Ellie seriously you've got to help me!" "Sorry, Craig," Ellie said backing away from Craig and down the hall, "Talk to me after school." "Manny thinks we're-like-together!" Craig shouted, stopping Ellie cold in her tracks. Ellie's pulse quickened and she turned toward Craig eyes blazing "What!" She said, walking towards him slowly. "I know! I said Manny thinks-me and you-that we're you know-together!" "No, Craig," Ellie said, nodding a little impatiently, "I heard _that_. I meant why would she think that?" "Oh! It was cuz of the-those pictures! The ones we took yesterday!" Ellie calmed herself a little and she looked at Craig puzzled "She thinks we like each other because we took pictures together!" Ellie said.

In her mind she was thinking that this was the moment she'd been dreading; the moment when Craig would choose…But instead, it was proving to become another idiotic attempt by Craig to understand the female race. Ellie figured that Manny's outbursts was just another result of her increasing paranoia that Craig was going to leave her.

"Craig," Ellie said, annoyed at her friends interruption and his misdirected insanity-and of course at the fact that he was asking _her_ about Manny- "I'm sure that Manny is going to call you-" "El, she's not," Craig said looking her in the eyes pleadingly, "Please, I need you to come with me, so you can tell her to her face that no-thing is going on." Ellie's heart beat a little rapidly and the disappointment in her situation deepened. But, looking into Craig's pleading eyes proved too much for her and she sighed heavily nodding slowly and commencing to go with him. She was too upset now to go back to class anyway.

Emma watched Ellie and Craig walk down the hall and her heart went out to Ellie for the whole ordeal.

Suddenly, remembering that she was supposed to be in class, that Snake would worry-and wanting to get quickly out of this memory-filled hallway-Emma rushed towards her classroom. "Emma!" she heard someone calling behind her and she stopped abruptly trying to recall the voice. "Emma," the boy said as he walked a few steps toward her. _It's Peter,_ she remembered, her thoughts having been so swamped all day, that she'd forgotten the sound of her own boyfriend's voice.

Emma turned towards him with a slight smile and then remembering their last encounter, the smile vanished and her face grew worried at the very sight of him. "What Peter?" Peter looked a little taken aback by her tone, but not too surprised. "I think we should talk," he said sliding her wet, blonde hair off of her pale forehead. Emma stepped back a little and sighed deeply, working up the courage to say each word "I-I think so too. I mean there's something I need to say." Peter raised his eyebrow at her "Oh?" he said curiously, "Yeah," Emma said, focusing in on everything but his eyes.

"I-I-well, Peter there's just a whole lot going on right now and I don't think we..." "You wanna break up?" Peter said, his voice shaky. Emma stared into his eyes now. This was harder than she'd thought it would be "Yeah..." she said slowly and then shook her head quickly. "I-I mean no! Not-not _break up. _I just, I think we should…_take_ a break." Peter stood there looking at Emma for a moment. Then his face grew red with anger "A break?" he said angrily "A break from what Emma? Huh? A break from you calling me in tears and not even having the decency to tell me what your crying about, huh? A break from me wanting a girlfriend and never even having one, because she's too damn busy inventing issues-like anorexia-that don't even exist! Huh? Is that what you want a break from Emma because it seems to me that I'd be the only one to get any benefit from a freaking "break"!" Emma's confidence in what she had to say was slowly melting away as Peter spoke. "Peter...peter please-" she said trying to place her hand on Peter's shoulder. Peter slapped her hand away and then said his eyes seeming to sear into her skull "Or do you just want a break from pretending that you're not a slut?" The words hit Emma like a slap in the face "Peter," she said her eyes burning, "Peter what are you talking ab-" "Emma, you're so pathetic! You're dumping me for another freaking guy. And you don't even have the guts to say it." Emma stared at Peter confused at first and then she said firmly "Peter? I do NOT like Jay!" Peter laughed tauntingly "That's not who I'm talking about!" he said sharply "Then wha-?" "Sean Cameron, Emma. Name ring any bells?"

Emma stood paralyzed "Peter, what are you talking about?" she said calmly as though she had no idea. "Oh my God! Don't give me this innocence crap! You idolize the guy! You have since whenever it was that he left and now you're dumping me because you heard, just like I heard, that he's coming back!" Emma's voice was low and restrained as she said calmly, "Peter, Sean Cameron is a distant memory and if you thi-" Peter broke her off "Emma? Look, I've been there through all the crap problems that you've dealt with. Anorexia, the hysteria, and the nervous breakdowns. And now you're going to act like I'm the one who's delusional? Tell me something I don't know Emma and maybe then I'll get you. I mean, can you really look me in my eyes and tell me that you haven't heard that Mr…"Blast from the Past hero" is coming back and that, that's not the reason you're breaking up with me?" Emma couldn't look Peter in the eyes and Peter blinked at her nonresponse with a sudden realization. "He's here." He said in low pained voice. "He's he's already back-You've seen him haven't you?" Emma couldn't answer. "Oh my God-now it all makes sense! The guy at the vending machine-the way you've been acting. I knew it! I freaking knew it!" "Peter, just li-"Emma said, making one last attempt at reconciling with Peter before he stopped her abruptly. "Don't bother, Emma." He said as he backed away his eyes filled with hateful tears. "Don't even bother." And he turned and walked away leaving Emma standing in the hallway, tears filling her already reddened eyes, memories of her relationship with Peter suddenly swamping her, drowning her, making her wonder _What the heck just happened! _

_Scene Change: (Right outside of Degrassi High) _

Sean Cameron leaned against his car, his head tilted toward the sky, waiting for Emma-or Ellie-whichever one came first he'd decided, his face burning in the sun.

As he leaned back against his car, hands in his pockets, eyes closed, his hoodie pulled comfortably and-boilingly-over his head, Sean looked and felt right back at home at Degrassi and smiled to himself at the thought that-if all went well-he'd be attending school here in a few short days.

"Sean!" he heard and was shaken from his thoughts, as he stood erect, eyes opening slowly, jaw sticking out defensively, ready for anyone; anything. It was Craig Manning. He and Craig had been friends a long time ago, not so much anymore. But, Sean had, much to he and Craig's surprise, run into Craig when on his way here and the two of them had semi-reconnected talking about their plans and how their lives had been going since leaving Degrassi. And so, Sean managed a startled smile, greeting Craig warmly saying "Craig! What's going on, Man?" "Nothin' Nothing! Craig said smiling a little goofily. "Well, um, what are you doing here?" Sean asked inquisitively noting Craig's car and the way he was acting as thought he was waiting for someone. "Oh," Craig said growing suddenly uneasy "I'm just…" and Craig's face went from excitement to uneasiness as he glanced up at the stairs. Sean followed Craig's glance and ended up locking eyes with the darkly dressed redhead, who stared down at him from the top stair.

Ellie had been mulling over the situation with Manny and Craig and trying to think of anyway she could out of it. It wasn't enough that she was going to ride in the car, hopelessly loving Craig, but to think that she would actually be going to help him save his relationship with _another_ girl? And _Manny Santos_ at that? It was enough to make her want to…and she'd glanced longingly at her arms, tears pushing at her eyelids as she thought of what she might do when she got home. She'd been lagging behind Craig and as he'd bounded down the steps she'd been walking slowly, rubbing her arm harder and harder until she'd reached the stair and been greeted with the sight that she would have much rather been bogged down with at some other-any other-time.

_Sean Cameron,_ Ellie thought with a wry smile as she advanced easily down the steps. She was getting an evil kind of pleasure from the weary look on Sean's face and deviously decided to make him suffer-just a little-by remaining expressionless. Of all things, Ellie knew that Sean handled unchaotic behavior the worst and just knowing that it was torturing him as she walked slowly toward him-no frowns, no smiles, no nothing-she grew a little happier than she'd been moments before.

Sean waited…and waited…and waited for Ellie to say or do something-anything. But she did nothing. She didn't shun him, she didn't slap him, she didn't curse him out asking how dare he show up like this, she just stared at him as though there were no words to express the emotion she felt and it ate Sean up inside. Craig stared at Ellie staring at Sean and for what seemed like hours, to Sean at least,-though it was only a few seconds-none of them spoke. Finally Sean could take no more and he said after rubbing the back of his head nervously. "How-how you been El?" Ellie stared at him, still void of expression and just nodded.

As much as Ellie thought she was torturing Sean, she was really allowing him time to realize something. Ellie and Craig were about to leave together. Are they…? He thought and verbalized his thought with a gesture towards the both of them "You 2 are…?" he said, his voice allowing all of the surprise that he felt. This garnered the first emotion out of Ellie as she blushed red and stammered "No! No! um, we're not going…out. We're just-"and then Craig broke into her statement saying "No! Sean, I'm dating Manny! We're just-um-we're going to fi-…she's ditching!" Craig finally finished with a laugh, pointing incriminatingly at Ellie. Ellie looked at Craig her mouth opening in shock "He asked me to!" she said, hitting him on the shoulder and giggling herself.

Sean laughed to himself at this. Relieved to have gotten Ellie to…show signs of life and even more relieved to see that she'd found someone else she liked, although he wasn't sure how it was supposed to work with Craig dating Manny. Sean still knew that this would ultimately help him out when it came time for him to try to explain himself to Ellie about the way things had turned out.

But, as Ellie and Craig walked away from him waving, he knew this wasn't the time, and his smile vanished as he leaned back remembering that he still had yet another-much harder-encounter to deal with.

_Scene Change: (Inside of Craig's car) _

"El, are you ok?" Craig asked his friend as they slid into his car. The look of concern on his face deepened as she took a moment to answer. "El?" he asked leaning towards her a little as she turned towards him seeming to be a little breathless "I said are you ok?" Ellie smiled reassuringly and nodded at her friend, relieved when he smiled also and pulled his face away from her. "Sean Cameron is a the least of my problems Craig." She said lightly as she turned to buckle her seatbelt. The very least, she thought, as she sighed inwardly touching her arm. But, as Ellie stared out her window at Sean, leaning back against his car, same guy, same easy look on his face, same comfortable existence, she couldn't help but think sadly, _Things were never** this** complicated with Sean._

_Scene Change: (The sidewalk leading to Degrassi High) _

Manny Santos stepped slowly down the sidewalk, part of her fearing that she would pop-from all the ice cream she'd eaten, while watching a heart wrenching romantic movie earlier-part of her relieved that she'd decided to go to school after missing only one period. After a long and trying emotional night-half of which she'd spent crying on the bus, half of which she'd spent sitting longingly in the moonlight trying to figure out why Emma seemed to think it so therapeutic-she'd decided to stay home, mourning the loss of Craig, and pitying herself for thinking Ellie harmless. However, after eating about a 1/2 of a half-gallon of rocky-road ice cream and crying her eyes out, she'd decided that it would probably be more beneficial to her self, mental health, and-not to mention, her figure-if she just went to ahead to school.

As she'd walked out into the welcoming sunlight everything seemed to fall effortlessly into place and Manny had begun to happily realize that, despite all of her drama, she probably was over-reacting; It was just a picture; Ellie wasn't that kind of girl, she'd convinced herself, and Craig wouldn't do that to her, not after all the two of them had been through.

And so by the time it was time for Manny to turn the last corner toward Degrassi she stopped, flipping out her cell phone and carefully dialing Craig's number-speed dial 1-determined to apologize to him. "Hello!" Craig yelled into her ear his voice full of uncontained anxiety. "Craig…it's Manny." "Yeah, I know," Craig said his voice seeming to brighten a little, and Manny smiled just thinking of seeing Craig that afternoon, picking her up with that big smile on his face that she loved. "Craig…" she said pausing more out of excitement than nerves now, as she walked a little more energetically up the sidewalk to Degrassi, "I was calling to-" she said and then stopped short backing up in horror at what she saw ahead of her.

There parked by the opposite sidewalk was Craig. He had his phone in his hand the mouthpiece covered…smiling happily. And who was sitting next to him smiling along with him? …Ellie Nash! Manny couldn't believe her eyes and she backed up onto the sidewalk so that they wouldn't see her._ Oh my god_, she thought, gasping as she inched back down the walk towards her house, _I was knew it_! "Manny?" Craig said nervously, but happily, "Are you still there?" "Yeah, Craig," Manny said tearfully, "Manny? What's wrong?" Craig asked anxiously, worried at the sudden change in Manny's tone. "You Craig! You're what's wrong, and we're over!" and before Craig could say anything else Manny slammed the phone shut in his ear, leaving he and Ellie to wonder at what had just happened.

_Scene change: Degrassi (School letting out) _

Emma walked through the doors of Degrassi and bounded down the steps, determined to take a major "me moment" as she walked home. For once, Emma was relieved to be Mannyless, Peterless, Parentless, and as she made her way towards the sidewalk to head home she was resolved to try and work out her emotions; about Sean, about Rick, about Peter, about her life. She'd spent most of the day fighting back tears and had finally decided that enough was enough.

"I'm not gonna let all this rule me for the rest of my natural life!" she said to herself as she marched down the sidewalk. "I doubt anything could." She heard behind her and turned around to see a sun-burnt and sleepy looking Sean Cameron. "Sean? What are you doing here?" Emma studdered having been determined and prepared for everything...but this. "I, uh, I was waiting for you earlier but I got bored and fell asleep." He said matter-of-factly as he walked towards her carefully, as though afraid she would pounce on him. Emma didn't have time for this right now, not another stream of emotional complicatedness. "Sean, look, I have to go." She said turning and trying to rush down the sidewalk. "Emma!" Sean said, racing towards her and jumping in front of her; similar to the previous night but this time, Sean grabbed her arm, causing both of them a slight jolt of…something, as they touched for the first time in over a year.

Emma looked in his eyes, felt safe, secure, could feel herself slipping into…whatever it was that Sean did to her…but she snapped out of it snatching away from him. "Don't touch me Sean!" She sneered at him, and he backed away a little saying, "Take it easy, Em, I just want to talk." "Sean, I told you before I have nothing to say to you." Emma said, trying to march past him, "Emma! Stop it! We both know that's not true!" "Sean, have you spoken to Ellie yet?" Emma said quickly, remembering her defense mechanism from their last encounter and using it as her shield against him, "Emma! Ellie has nothing to do with this!" Sean said growing increasingly angry at Emma's obvious attempts to avoid talking to him "Yes, she does, Sean!" "Why, Emma!" Sean said getting angrier at every word Emma spoke, "Because,_ she_ was your girlfriend, Sean! Remember? Me and you? We were ancient history before you even left!"

Sean's ears burned as Emma spat the truth into them. "Well," he said between clenched teeth, as he stared angrily into her defiant brown eyes, "You said that our past was ancient history too, _remember_? I apologized for everything, God, Emma! I thought we were okay!" Emma stared at Sean angrily. The memory of the past year flying through her mind, tearing at her heart as she spoke, "Sean, we _were_ ok…then. A lot of stuff can happen in a year, Sean. And a lot _did_ happen...to me." As Emma spoke the thoughts of all that happened began to blaze through her mind and she had to back away from Sean as though fearing that he'd suddenly be able to read her mind and find out…everything. "Emma, look I'm-I'm sor-" Sean began, his eyes filling with tears. "No, Sean," Emma said, blinking the tears forcefully away from her own eyes, "You don't have to apologize. You don't-" Emma smiled, awkwardly as she finished, "You don't even know me anymore, Sean." and then looking him up and down she said coldly. "And I don't _want_ to know you." As Emma said this, she turned away from Sean, who finally let her walk away, staying where he was and glaring angrily toward the surrounding street.

One thing stuck with Sean. The way Emma had said, "a lot _did_ happen to me" and he found himself thinking as he walked quickly back towards his car,_ What the Hell happened to her?_ By the time he'd made his way back to his car, Sean had resolved to do 2 things; 1. Talk to Ellie, this way the next time he met with Emma she couldn't use this as a thinly veiled excuse not to talk to him. And 2. Find out just exactly what _had_ happened to Emma, already blaming himself for whatever it was.


	12. A mess of emotions 6a

_**Chapter 6a**_

_**A mess of emotions...**_

**Emma :**

How _Can_ He?

How can he just...show up! not knowing that I needed him?

How can he forget that we'd given up on...anything, before he even left?

How can he forget that I never gave him less than all of me?

How can he not see in my eyes that I_ want_ him to unbreak my soul?

But,

How can he?

**Sean:**

_She Thinks_

She thinks I _want_ to hurt her?

She thinks I wanted to leave behind the only home I ever really had?

She thinks I want to deal with all the bullshit that I ran away from to _begin_ with?

She thinks I _wanted_ to leave her?

What, She thinks I don't love her?

She thinks...I don't love her.

-Please Review!-


	13. Not Today 7

**Fanfiction Loyals!**

Hey you guys! So look I know I haven't updated in a while but I was working hard on these next 2 chapters. I'm trying to make this seem really realistic; I want anyone who watches the show to be able to envision the characters saying and doing the things that they are doing in this story. Anyway, I am trying to push out the rest of this over this long weekend; so please, please comment you guys. I am really in need of comments. I only have 6 and I want at least 25 okay? Please!

Alright, these 2 chapters are dedicated to **Solaris Phoebus **and **babyprincess56**. They have been really inspiring me to write! Thanx you girls!

**Jazzy-Raveler**

**Chapter 7**

**Not Today**

Emma didn't get much sleep that night. But much to her own surprise she didn't spend the night crying. Instead of crying Emma found herself recalling memories of her time with Sean.

The moment she had uttered the words "I don't want to know you." She'd regretted saying them. For one thing there was no truth whatsoever in the statement, but in the heat of the moment Emma had _had_ to say something that she knew would stop Sean in his tracks. And for another thing it caused Emma to realize that some of the most monumental moments in her life were marked by events that had to do with Sean.

Sean had been Emma's first serious crush; he'd asked her out on her first-_horrible_, Emma thought with a laugh-date and he'd been her first boyfriend. When she'd staged a protest against genetically modified foods in the Degrassi caf, Sean had encouraged her "Don't let them shut you up," before she'd went ahead with the protest that ultimately got her a weeks suspension.

When her Mother had gotten married Sean had come…and after dancing for a little while, she had her first kiss...with Sean. This had always been one of her fondest memories and she'd bored Sean nearly to tears talking about how romantic it was that they'd kissed "on my mom's wedding day. Sean, I swear it's a sign!" Sean would always roll his eyes at her with a smart remark like "Yeah… that I'm never getting married," and then she would commence to chasing him, the 2 of them always inevitably falling over one another laughing.

When Emma'd wanted to find out who her real father was-Snake being her stepfather and at that point the only "dad" she'd ever known-Sean had refused to skip with her to find him. But, later that night, after Emma'd found that her father was in a nursing home because of a mental disability, and she called Sean and cried to him about it. He'd apologized for not having gone there with her. Emma had been so upset that her mom wouldn't tell her where her dad was-and that she'd left him there all those years and that night Sean had ended up talking her out of doing something drastic like running away from home telling her "…don't be dumb Em,…you don't know the whole story." Of course he'd been right, the next day Emma's father tracked her down and almost ended up hurting her pregnant mother after becoming enraged because she was pregnant with a baby and he couldn't be part of it's life. Emma often shivered at this memory, almost being brought to tears by what would have happened if Sean hadn't convinced her not to leave home and she hadn't been there.

Sean Cameron had supported all of Emma's causes, signing her petition to put a tampon dispenser in the girls bathroom, defending her black panther endangered species interpretive dance at a Degrassi school caberet, helping her to put up and then take down posters when she was cluing students in on the reasons they shouldn't buy some sort of toilet seats made from trees in the Rain Forest, and cleaning the ravine-although that had been the breaking point in their relationship. And then finally, when Emma had lost all hope of She and Sean ever falling in love again, he'd saved her life; risking his life and beginning a chain of events that would alter Emma for the rest of hers.

Thinking about it Emma realized that her relationship with Sean had been the deepest, closest, and up until the moment they broke up- most meaningful relationship she had ever had with another human being. Being that she and Manny had grown very much apart within the year that she and Sean broke up and even farther apart this past year, Emma pretty much kept all her thoughts, feelings and ideas to herself.

_Peter_, she thought at one point with a sigh, thinking about what Peter said about never really having a girlfriend Emma figured-no-Emma _knew_ that she hadn't been a very good one to him. The main problem that Emma had been having since the shooting was trying to pretend that she was over everything. When, the hard cold fact was that she wasn't.

Emma didn't know how to get over something so painful, so disturbing, so haunting. She'd thought she was going to die, thought someone she loved was dead-Sean, she'd seen someone else die-Rick, and then she'd had to deal with the pain of losing Sean, that part of her life that she'd thought she had the strength to close but realized all at once that it was anything but over. Finally Emma forced down the bad thoughts about the shooting and relied on her memories of Sean-the 2 happiest years of her life-to put her to sleep.

"Emma?" Manny said, nudging Emma awake. "Whatttttt Manny?" Emma groaned as she opened her eyes slowly "Wake up, Em, you've been sleep, like, all night." Emma blinked up at her ceiling- _Oh my God! I have! _She thought as a smile slowly spread across her face. She couldn't remember what she'd dreamed, but she figured it must not have been bad. Then like a unexpected rain cloud, Emma's mind recalled the events of the previous day, in lieu of a bad dream, she assumed, and the smile slipped away from her face as she moaned and rolled over stuffing the pillow over her head.

"Emma! Come on! We're gonna be late!" Manny said trying-with little success-to yank the pillow from Emma's hands. "I'm not going today." Was the muffled statement Emma supplied Manny with nonchalantly. "Why not?" Manny said inquiringly. Having decided to give up trying to take the pillow, she flopped down on the bed facing Emma,-or at least facing the pillow Emma's head was under.

Emma pushed the pillow above her pale forehead. She pondered whether or not she should fill Manny in on what had happened with Sean. Manny was-despite her faults-very understanding towards Emma's problems…especially when it came to boys. She decided against it though, when she remembered how upset Manny had been the previous day.

When Emma had gotten home, Manny had been surrounded by covers sobbing in between slurps of the melted ice cream about Craig being a "dumb dumby idiot!" and Emma knew that when Manny used kiddy language it either meant that A. she was drunk, or B. she was very deeply hurt-so much so that she couldn't find the right words to express her pain with.

It hadn't occurred to Emma to correct her friend about Craig and Ellie because she didn't know on what basis Manny and Craig's break-up had been finalized. So, instead of asking for details she'd tried to soothe her friend setting up a lunch date at "The Dot" for Saturday and promising that they would have a girls night sometime soon.

"I'm sick…" Emma said dropping the pillow easily over her messy golden head. "No you aren't!" Manny said snatching the pillow from Emma's head with a laugh. "Yes I am, Manny." Emma said nodding and placing her fingers on either side of her forehead pressing her temples. "Sick of Degrassi." "Emma, you have to come with me, today please." Manny pleaded. Emma would've succumbed to her friends pleading eyes but just thinking about facing Peter…Sean... was enough to make her stomach literally squeal in pain and she shook her head slowly.

Manny sighed resignedly, not exactly sure what was wrong but deciding to leave Emma alone. "Alright," she said standing up "I had my day off, I guess it's only fair to let _you_ have one too."

Emma rolled over onto her stomach as soon as her friend had left, and pushed herself up gracefully sliding off the bed and onto the floor. The silence that filled the room tightened around her throat like a choker and suddenly her head felt hot. She stood up slowly, walking towards the washroom. _I really am sick, _she thought, as she walked through the door, _sick of this drama_.

After exiting the washroom Emma walked upstairs and glanced around at the half-clean/half-havoc wreaked household. Determined to get her mind off of Sean, Emma went to work, cleaning as violently as she could, turning up the radio and semi-blasting it. _I'm not going to let you take over my life today Sean, Rick, Peter, _Emma thought, pushing all of the unwelcome males from her mind with the smell of a dirt-busting lemon scented pine-sol. _Not, today_.

_Scene Change: Halls of Degrassi (classes switching)_

Ellie Nash yawned as she walked toward her locker and after opening it leaned sleepily inside of it. She'd spent the better part of the night with Craig at her apartment. The two of them had spent the rest of their Friday together. First heading to the park, then hitting a movie. Ellie was trying to cheer him up and he let her of course, being that he sunk temporarily back into depression each time he called Manny's phone and she didn't answer. Ellie had been annoyed at this of course, but for the better part of her day it was better than if she'd spent it in school so she was fine.

After leaving the movies Craig had come to her apartment and the two of them had talked and talked and she'd asked him about his music and he'd played a few of his songs one of which was dedicated to her called "Hidden Angel" and one of which he played, lovingly -_whiningly,_ Ellie thought- and dedicated it to Manny called "Seeing us".

In the end Ellie had fallen asleep to Craig's singing which she was very thankful for knowing that she would've probably cried herself to sleep and maybe even did something worse to her arms. When she woke up late the next morning Craig was gone and she'd been placed carefully in her bed, _Clothes intact, Manning, for your sake,_ she'd thought with a laugh and yes her clothes had been in the same rumpled, fashion they were in when she'd fallen asleep.

Ellie wore the choker that Craig had given her and she touched it smoothing her hand across the black stone as she glanced in her locker mirror. After pretending sleep for a few moments, Ellie lifted her head lightly out of her locker and sighed picking up her books and turning to head toward her class.

As she turned she bumped directly into Manny, who had apparently been standing there staring at her. "Tired?" Manny said tartly as Ellie backed away from her rubbing her head and looking a little irritated. "Not much," Ellie said rolling her eyes and attempting to walk past Manny. Manny held out her arm grabbing Ellie's stomach to stop her, "Hold it." She said sharply. Ellie just stared at Manny. _Is she serious, _she thought looking at Manny's hand before glancing up at Manny in a way that let her know to remove it.

"I need to talk to you." Manny said sharply placing her hand on her hip. Ellie pushed her hair behind her ears before stating uninterestedly as she crossed her arms over her books, and yawned "I'm all anticipating ears." Manny stepped up forcing her face towards Ellie until it was only inches away. "I told you to stay away from my boyfriend." Manny sneered forcefully. Ellie backed into her locker a little before her face became an angry sort of red color and she pushed Manny away from her "Look, Manny, Craig is my friend for one thing. And for two, very much unlike you, I don't _steal_ boyfriends. I earn em." Ellie said with a look of condescension and then walked past Manny.

Manny glared angrily after Ellie and she felt a slow kind of rage rushing up her chest. Without warning Manny raced up behind Ellie and snatched her to the ground by her hair. "Aaahh!" Ellie said as she hit the hallway grounds and then stared up menacingly at Manny.

Ellie had never fought, she'd never been known for fighting girls, that just wasn't her style, but today, today after she'd spent her entire day cheering Craig up about Manny? Today, after she'd feared that she would cut into her skin in retaliation against being in love with a guy who was so obviously in love with someone else? Today, Ellie Nash wasn't going to have it, and as she stood up, she balled her hand into a fist and landed it right in Manny's stomach. "uuhhh!" Manny said keeling over in pain and Ellie stared down at Manny, thinking angrily of hitting her again, "Manny?I don't know what the _hell_ is wrong with you, but today is not a good day to start with me." Ellie said, "Got that?". And Ellie bent down, angrily swiping up her scattered school books. When she stood up Ellie bumped into...

"Sean?" Ellie said, staring up into the face of her ex who had carefully caught her books "El?" Sean said with a nod, mimicking her tone of surprise, but a look of seriousness in his face. "What are you do-" Ellie began but was stopped mid-sentence by the sudden thrashing Manny was doing to her back. "I'm not just going to sit back while you move in on my boyfriend, bitch!" Manny screamed, grabbing Ellie and slamming her into a locker. Ellie pushed Manny off of her and punched her again, this time in the chest, before grabbing her and wrestling with her, the two of time falling to the ground at Sean's feet.

"Hey!" Sean said, as he bent down quickly, snatching up Ellie, who got one last swing at Manny before he'd pulled her up. "Stop it!" Sean said, as Manny tried to grab for Ellie and he placed his hand against Manny's chest, forcing her against Ellie's locker. "What the hell are you two doing! Do you wanna be suspended!" Ellie gave no answer just snatched herself away from Sean's hands at the same time Manny swiped his hand spitefully from her chest. "This is none of _your_ business Sean." Manny stated, simply a flicker of anger sparking in her brown eyes. Sean just stared at her, ignoring her statement and said after a sort of is-she-for-real half-smile he said shaking his head, "Look, what you two do, you're right, none of my goddamn business; but finish it some other time. Manny?" And here Sean paused, staring uneasily at Ellie before pulling Manny to the side "Where's Emma? I really need to talk to her." Manny looked at Sean, shaking her head "Emma's not here today, she needed a break." Sean just let out a sigh and then grabbed Manny's hand pulling her toward the front door.

Ellie stared after the two of them shaking with anger before rushing into the girls washroom and breaking down in tears.

_Scene change: The front steps of Degrassi _

"Sean let go of me!" Manny said, once they were outside snatching her hand away from him spitefully. "Look Manny, I need to talk to you, about Emma." Manny's hateful glare and heavy breathing reduced to a look of interest and slowed sighs. "What?" she asked him carefully, not sure where he was going with this statement.

Sean stared at Manny for a moment, before pacing to the other side of the stair. And then once he walked toward her again he said, "Look, I know that I treated Emma really bad, and I know that I left, right when she probably really needed someone who understood what happened to be there, but I'm here now. And I really want to know what's going on with her, but, she won't talk to me." Manny, who wasn't feeling to disposed to being kindly toward the male sex at the moment, snapped "Sean? Emma doesn't _need_ you. She has friends _and_ a boyfriend."

Manny smiled inwardly as the strength of the words "boyfriend" showed up involuntarily on Sean's face. _Oh my God! Sean he-he likes her! _Manny thought, and suddenly her hatred of all men, and want of Sean's services to remove Ellie from she and Craig's life, was changed instantaneously by the irrepressible hopeless romantic within.

Sean paid her softening features no attention and instead shook his head slowly as he turned away from her, jumping quickly down the stairs. "But! She didn't tell you…did she!" Manny called after him, feeling immediately that she needed to right whatever was wrong with Emma and Sean's situation. Sean turned looking up at Manny from the bottom stair, and slowly a smile crept on his face as he shook his head no and walked back up the steps. Manny shrugged with a smile "Then-I mean-That's gotta be a good sign, right?" She said optimistically.

Sean shrugged, his face all seriousness again, "I guess," he said "But look, Manny, I need to know what the hell went on while I wasn't here. What went on with Emma? She said a lot happened to her." he paused looking pained, "What exactly _happened_ to her?" Manny looked at the ground with a resolute sigh, "A lot went on, Sean. I have no idea where to start." Sean lifted Manny's face to his, his eyes matching hers as he said in a piercing stare; his voice a chilling shaky tone, "Start from the day I left…and tell me everything."

_Scene Change That Night...Outside of Ellie's apartment _

Craig hadn't heard from Ellie all day. He'd practically spent the night with Ellie and so he was sure that he would hear from her. So, when he didn't-and when she didn't answer any of his calls-he got a little worried and sped over to her apartment.

Stepping out of his red convertible, Craig bounded up the steps to knock on his friends door. Not only had she been there for him the other night, she was, right now, his closest friend and he wanted to make sure she was ok.

"Ellie?" Craig said tapping lightly on the door. No response. Craig knocked and waited a few more minutes before finally using the key Ellie had given him. It was only 7 so he knew she couldn't be sleep yet...could she?

As Craig stepped into the apartment he noticed that all the lights were out except for one; Ellie's bedroom light seeped underneath the closed door in a haunting and disturbing manner.

"El?" Craig said as he stepped into the living room, closing the front door softly behind him. As he walked towards her bedroom door Craig felt a lump forming in his throat. Craig wasn't sure what he expected. He'd half expected Ellie to break down crying after seeing Sean, when she didn't he thought maybe she was over him. But now, thinking about it, and putting the encounter together with the fact that he hadn't heard from her, he feared that she might be so hurt at seeing Sean...reliving the memories...the pain of it all...so heartbroken that she was...cutting herself.

"Ellie?" He said knocking softly on her door and he heard a thump. "Craig?" Ellie whispered through the door, "Yeah Ellie, it's me I-I tried calling you..." "Oh, I was, I was in the shower." she said softly. Craig tensed a little "Ellie? Are you ok?" A pause and then Ellie cracked the door a little, without sticking her head out of it, "I'm fine Craig," she said. "Ellie? Are you-you know dressed and stuff?" "Um, yeah I'm dressed." Craig spoke softly now, soothingly, "Then let me in El." Ellie didn't open the door all the way, but she didn't close it either and after a moment Craig pressed gently against it to realize that Ellie was gone.

He walked into the room his eyes searching for anything sharp. Any blood that woul confirm his fears. He knew that Ellie hadn't been cutting in a long time. Since, a while after Sean left, she'd stopped cutting, the therapy, and the group had helped her through it. Now, he thought, now Sean had come back and she felt whatever it was she felt for him again. And so the need for her to cut herself might've resurfaced as well.

Craig finally glanced over at bathroom door, where Ellie obviously was. Even as he rushed to push open the door he held his breath fearing what he'd find there. "Ellie? I'm coming in." He stated panic-stricken and then pushed the door open. Ellie was standing at the sink her sleeves pulled up...but not cut.

Craig searched her arm for any fresh cuts found nothing. He walked in gently rubbing her arms and then he looked at her face and saw in her eyes what she hadn't wanted him to. "You've been crying?" Craig said stroking her arm a little as he did. Ellie bit her lip, her eyes red and fresh with tears, Ellie had never cried in front of Craig and she hadn't wanted him to see her tears now. But instead of protesting his arms, she fell into them the last tear dropping on his leather jacket as she hugged him pretending that he was hers to hold.

"It's ok El," Craig said rubbing her hair instinctively "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about Sean but even if you can't tell right now-you'll get over him someday." Ellie sighed inwardly. Of course Sean was _not_ the reason she'd been crying, and she cursed Craig for ruining the best moment of her day. She tried to ignore his ignorant stupidity and buried her head further into his comforting shoulder. "I know," she sighed, "I'll get over this someday." But, as Craig stroked her shoulder, slightly bruised from her fight with Manny, Ellie thought painfully, _But...not today._

_Scene Change: Emma's house _

After taking out her pint up aggression on every particle of dirt, mold, and dust she could possibly find, Emma had decided to take a nice "soothing" bath that did nothing but allow her mind to conjure up thoughts of Sean and what it would be like to kiss him again...hold him again. Emma turned on some music to try and relieve her mind of these thoughts, but she had no such luck.

After about 15 minutes in the tub Emma decided to go for a nice long jog; which she hadn't gone on for about 3 weeks now, but she always found that jogging cleared her head.

It was around 5 o clock and as she jogged in the cool afternoon air, Emma still found herself thinking about Sean, something that she had been able to avoid doing all day but once she was done cleaning up and had turned the radio off she just couldn't seem to regain her focus.

She began thinking about the way Sean had looked at her pleadingly. The way when he'd touched she'd felt...it. Whatever "it" was, Sean was the only one who was able to make her feel it and she couldn't help to think of this-no matter how hard she'd tried.

Emma had spent so much time being angry with Sean that it was hard for her to deal with suddenly not hating him. She'd been angry for how he'd treated her after their break-up, for how he'd broken her heart, and then for how he left. Emma sometimes felt that she was being a brat and felt ashamed of herself for ever being angry at Sean because of the simple-no-very _complex_ fact that he'd saved her life.

_That has to count for a lot, Emma_, she'd often reprimand herself, but still she couldn't help but to be angry at him for something. Anything. And now, she was trying very hard to force up some feelings of hatred, some kind of reason as to why she was trying so hard to avoid him. But she couldn't.

As she was jogging back to her house, Emma felt herself tense up. _What if Sean is there?_ she thought, slowing down a little. This thought caused her heart to race, fearing that she might just give in and break down on Sean, hugging him, crying, telling him how she'd missed him. But Emma reminded herself of something. _Sean never said he wanted to get back together_, she thought, _he just wanted to talk, I can do talk_.

Emma straightened the worried expression on her face as she turned the corner to get to her house. Emma was half-expecting-half-hoping that Sean would be there, his car parked on the curb, him leaning against it with an unrelenting attitude this time, _forcing_ her to hear him out. But he wasn't and Emma found that she was more disappointed than she wanted to be. _God, I hate you Sean, _she thought as she walked into her house. Stomping into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Emma laughed at herself for the way she was acting and then smiled thinking that this was the first time she'd smiled for real _real_ in a long time. _Ok maybe I don't hate you so much_, _Sean,_ she thought.

When she walked downstairs to her room Emma discovered that Manny was there, lying in her bed asleep. Emma sighed to herself as she walked into the washroom. Emma had wanted to ask Manny if she'd seen Sean and was a little upset that Manny was already in bed. But then Emma realized, that even if Manny had been awake she wouldn't have wanted to ask her about Sean.

She hadn't told Manny about her encounters with Sean and she had no intention in doing so, though she wasn't sure why.

As Emma was washing her face, the thoughts that she had worked so hard to suppress rose up into her mind and stared at her in her reflection.

If Emma told Manny about She and Sean's meetings, she'd have had to explain _why_ she didn't want to speak to Sean and that was something she wasn't ready to admit to even herself.

In reality, the reason Emma didn't want to speak to Sean, was the same reason it had been since that first night she'd seen him. It was the same reason she tried so hard to find reasons to hate him though she knew in her heart she didn't. It was the same reason that she had developed the remarkable-and unfortunate-ability to hide her emotions, going throughout the day as though she was never shaken, never worried, never hurt. When in actuality, she was still torn up inside.

The reason was that Emma had adored Sean. She'd dreamed about Sean, she'd imagined that she would marry him and no matter what went on in her life, Sean had never ceased to amaze her in that even when they fought, even when things were going bad he always came back, he always apologized, he always proved to her that no matter who else let her down, he'd always try to fix things.

He'd made up for being a jackass for an entire yr after their breakup, by saving her life; something that Emma felt she would never be able to repay him for. And then, after the shooting when they'd gone to Wasaga Beach, Sean had apologized to her "Emma, I'm sorry. For last year, you know? For everything I put you through. Everything. I'm sorry." he'd stated with feeling, with truth, and Emma had fallen back in love with him completely, all over again.

But, when Sean left, Emma had had such a hard time dealing with it that she'd realized she wasn't as self-sufficient as she thought. Emma didn't just want Sean to come back.. Emma'd needed him to, but she'd thought he never would.

Pushing the thought _What would Sean think of me? _With the very easy counter _It doesn't matter. He's gone. _And now he was back. He was back to see her, to know her, to judge her, and Emma couldn't stand the thought that all she'd gone through, all she'd done, Sean would know about. Sean would find out that she wasn't the same the Emma he'd cared so deeply for, possibly loved.

That girl was gone now and Emma couldn't see her ever coming back. So, she forced herself to pretend that she hated Sean, pretend that she couldn't stand seeing him, hearing him, knowing he was in her presence, when in reality, Emma was so scared that the only person she'd ever really and deeply loved, needed, wouldn't care for her, that she allowed this shield to stay up.

Emma shook a little as she thought about this truth. _I went down on Jay, I had a nervous breakdown, I turned into a completely different person_. And after all of her hard work not to think about Sean, how she wanted to talk to him about what had happened with Rick, how she wanted to apologize to Peter for dating him when she wasn't ready to be his girlfriend, how she wanted to collapse into Sean's arms and never let him go, Emma finally let herself down, lost her composure and broke down crying at the sink.

She cried as she walked to and laid in her bed and Emma cried herself to a restless sleep._ God, what would he think of me?_ She thought as she closed her eyes hating herself for the girl she'd become; a girl, she thought, _Sean will never love._

_Scene Change: The inside of a cheap motel room _

Sean tried to sleep with little success. Everything that Manny had told him ran through his mind, and every time he turned over he found himself deep in thoughts about what had happened with him over the past year and what had happened with Emma.

One thing that Sean had never allowed himself to do freely, no matter how pained he was, was to cry. He thought of it as a waste of time, something to be avoided, something he didn't deserve to be able to do. Every event in his life when he'd cried-when he and Emma were both at Ashley's Party and she refused to speak to him, when he'd thought he'd have to move with brother from Toronto, when he broke down on his parents front porch, after the shooting, and then as he watched his friend Jay, girlfriend Ellie, and Emma, who'd never lost his heart, drive away- had been so traumatizing for him that he always swore he'd never do it again.

But as Sean lay in his bed thinking of what Emma had gone through, tears forced their way down his cheeks and he finally jumped up, pacing back in forth in front of the bed. Finally, after he'd washed his face, Sean tried to figure out what to do. He'd wanted to go and see Emma as soon as Manny had told him about everything, but knowing that he was probably the reason she didn't go to school that day, he decided that it wasn't such a good idea.

_Not today, not tonight. _he thought as he sat down in the chair beside the window of his room. Looking out into the sky Sean remembered some night he and Emma had sat outside on her grass talking about the future. That was the first night that he'd thought "God, I love her!" though he'd never spoken the words to her.

Emma had always talked about the future as though Sean had just as much of one as she had. She'd never_ ever_ spoken to him like he was less than her and that was one of the reasons why Sean loved her so much. Even when Emma had done spiteful things-getting he and Jay busted for stealing candy bars from "The Dot", reporting to the principal that she'd seen he and Jay stealing from Degrassi (which he had been),-Sean always knew he deserved it.

He had had such a beautiful relationship with Emma, and he always managed to jeopardize or ruin it, because of his own selfish reasons.

The only thing Emma had ever done that really truly hurt Sean was when they'd argued in front of her locker after she refused to make out with him in the ravine, and she'd called him "pathetic".

That hurt him because he'd always felt that Emma would never treat him as less than she was. Just that comment alone had had enough power to send Sean running to and hanging with Jay's gang, stealing, changing his attitude to one of "I don't give a damn" first dating one of Jay's friends Amy and then dating Ellie, the girl who would let him be as "badass" as he wanted and still love him.

Because, Sean had figured Emma viewed him differently, he'd felt like there was no longer a reason to care. Being that Emma was the only one who'd ever believed in him anyway, the only who ever made him believe in himself, losing Emma lost Sean his self-respect and even when she'd attempted to reconcile with him, Sean had been so hurt by the comment, thinking that he now knew how she _really_ felt about him he'd refused to get back with her; a classic you'll-never-hurt-me-again move.

But when Sean had seen Rick pointing that gun at Emma, heard Rick saying that he was going to shoot her, he'd been so scared, just thinking about what he would do if Emma was never in his life again, that he'd reacted as a reflex, forcing the gun down and risking his own life to save Emma's. Because, Sean knew that if Emma died, he'd have no reason left to live.

Emma had inadvertently hurt him again when he'd done this forcing the realization that he still loved her to resurface, and he couldn't take it. Pairing that with Sean's fear that he'd purposely-subconsciously-killed Rick for trying to kill Emma, Sean had been bruised badly. And going back home getting away from everyone who thought he was a hero, from Ellie and her want to know feelings, and Emma, the girl who'd started it all, was the only way he knew how to cope.

Sean tuned back into his surroundings and glared angrily at the moon. He wanted to go to Emma, to hug her, to tell her he loved her, but he knew he couldn't and he took out his sadness with anger, the way he always seemed to. _God, what the hell were you thinking leaving her? _He thought, as he practically threw himself onto his bed.

The worst of it all was that Sean knew Emma, and he knew that she'd think he blamed her for everything that she'd done, when he really blamed himself.

Just the thought that Emma didn't love him hurt him so deeply, that he finally broke down. He sat on his bed as the tears rolled rapidly down his cheeks, hating himself, hating the world, and for a second hating Emma, for not talking to him. After about 2 minutes of this, Sean regained his composure, stubbornly dragging his hands down his cheeks. _Not today_, he thought and he flipped on the Tv to get his mind off of Emma.

Sean knew that he'd still have to speak to Ellie before speaking to Emma, and intended to do it today, but after speaking to Manny he'd been so angry at himself that he'd forgotten all about Ellie driving sulkingly to the mall spending the day watching horror movies to take his mind off of things.

_Ellie!_ Sean thought a little sadly, _What about Ellie! _Sean hadn't even thought of all the things he had to make up to Ellie and finally he appeased his self-hatred with the thought of the one good deed he'd be able to do the next day.


	14. Not today 7a

**Chapter 7a**

**Not today…**

**Emma:**

**Face Him**

If he knew what I became without him

How could I Face him?

If he talks his friend and his mind is poisoned against me

Can I ever again Face him?

If he realizes that I am not the same girl he might've loved

Will I ever again Face him?

If he knew how dark I am inside right now

I could never again Face him.

**Sean:**

**Ashamed**

I'm so ashamed of what she must've felt

Where was I?

I could've held her

I'm so ashamed that I let her hurt

While trying to heal my wounds.

I'm so ashamed That she probably thinks I'll be ashamed of her

When in reality

I'm ashamed of damn stupid myself.


	15. Reconnecting 8

**Chapter 8 **

**Reconnecting**

The Saturday morning greeted Emma and Manny like long-awaited, flavorful, and instantaneous medicine. Emma's parents had left to a bed and breakfast the previous night, but had taken Jack to his grandparents house so that the girls would be free for the day.

And Emma stated happily as she made eggs, pancakes, and-vegetarian-sausages for she and Manny "No babies, no parents, no guys, no Degrassi, no drama."

Manny and Emma talked a mile a minute about everything, but their current emotional problems. Movies, music, stars, even homework.

Emma had not yet told Manny that she and Peter had broken up, so when Manny asked inquisitively "What about Peter, Em? you guys don't have anything _special_ planned today." Emma was quiet for a moment and then said, as though it weren't an issue at all, "No. And we won't be having "plans" ever again if _I_ have anything to do with it." Manny laughed, "What's wrong-the lovebirds get in a fight?" biting into her pancakes. "No," Emma said as she wiped her mouth with a napkin "The lovebirds broke up." Manny stared at Emma in disbelief "Emma, are you serious? When did this happen?" Emma frowned, staring up at the ceiling. It was hard for her to remember when. "Thursday." She said finally with a slight nod.

"Emma, why didn't you tell me?" Manny said, pushing back from the table, looking hurt. "It's not a big deal." Emma said simply with a shrug. Manny stared at Emma her eyes wide, "Not a big _deal_ Emma?" she said with a laugh "Not a big dea-Emma! Our friendship was almost ruined because of this guy; you know that. It took him stepping in when he realized you had a a...eating thing and Em, you could've died if he hadn't, for me to forgive him and you breaking up with him is "not a big deal"!"

Emma just stared at her plate. She hadn't wanted to think about Peter. She felt bad enough about what happened already and she didn't want to think about it. "Manny, look I'm sorry ok? I just, well..." Emma paused trying to think of an easy out as Manny leaned back in her chair waiting. "You had a lot of stuff going on with Craig, you know? I didn't want to bog you down with any more unneeded emotional baggage, that's all." "Em, you still coulda-" "Manny, pleeasssee! This is supposed to be our day! Our baby free, parent free, do whatever we want to day. So can we drop the Peter issue? Please?"

Manny's bruised frown changed into a light smile. "Ok Em, I'm sorry." She said sitting up and patting her friends hand "It's just-I don't know Emma, I worry about you sometimes." Manny said, searching Emma's eyes for some kind of painful emotion. Emma smiled brightly "Well, don't ok? I'm fine. Peter and I, well we were never really right for one another, you know?" Emma said standing up and dumping her plate into the sink. "Well if you mean that he was a complete and total jackass, then yes I know what you mean." "Manny!" "What! It was a joke!"

As Emma and Manny headed back to their bedroom Manny suggested that they watch a movie. "We're supposed to be going to lunch today ,Manny, remember!" Emma said matter-of-factly. "Oh my god! I totally spaced on that Emma, sorry. Were do you wanna go?" Emma looked at Manny sarcastically "That pretty little "sunset strip" place over on 73rd street Manny. God! Where do you think? Hello! The same place we've been going our entire high-school lives-"The Dot!" "Ok Emma, God!" Manny said a little annoyed "Well, do you wanna-you know-dress up or something? Make it a little...I don't know, different?" Emma smiled at her friend. Manny loved to pick out clothes that the two of them-well at least, Emma-wouldn't normally wear, and make them up in glam makeup, strutting out the house like a movie star.

"Sure, you can even pick the clothes. But, Manny?" Emma called, as Manny rushed down the stairs, an excited expression on her face. "Don't get me anything to...you." Manny laughed, as she hurried down the stairs and ripped crazily through laundry baskets-she and Emma's clothes mixed in messily together-looking for something to make both of them feel better and take their minds off of what was really going on in their lives.

_Scene Change: Ellie's house_

Ellie didn't know why but she felt really...weird. Well, she knew why but it was kind of unexplainable.

Craig had taken her back to his house the previous night telling her that he didn't want her to "be alone" and slept comfortably on the couch, while she slept in his bed. Ellie hadn't been able to sleep immediately, and though her tears had subsided, she'd laid awake thinking about the fact that Craig slept in the bed she was lying in. After several involuntary-but enjoyable-dirty thoughts, Ellie moved to a small chair of his and laid there with a blanket over her humming-a technique that one of her therapy group members had taught her-until she drifted into a peaceful and undisturbed sleep.

Ellie'd awakened to Craig sitting next to her, staring at her intently. She'd jumped a little startled at the face that had haunted her dreams and then smiled at him. "What are you looking at?" She said with a laugh as she awkwardly sat up. "A "Hidden Angel." Craig answered smiling, and then eliminated any weird silence that would've followed smashing Ellie in the face with a pillow.

Ellie gathered herself, and then retaliated with a pillow of her own and the two of them fought for a while until Joey came and told them to calm down and take it somewhere else. "Joey? Did I get any calls from Manny, yesterday?" Craig said with an anxious look, ruining Ellie's moment.

Ellie hadn't told Craig about her fight with Manny, and had no intention of doing so, feeling that it would only further complicate things, and certainly wouldn't help them. Especially if, in true Craig form he asked her worriedly "Is Manny ok?"

Joey half-way smiled and then stared at Craig shaking his head. "No Craig, no calls from Manny." As he said this, Joey glanced at Ellie. It was a quick glance, but enough of a knowing look was in Joey's eye to make Ellie feel as though she were see through and as soon as Joey left she asked Craig "Can you take me home?" Craig insisted on Ellie eating breakfast first but as soon as she did Ellie annoyed Craig until he finally drove her home.

When they got to her apartment Ellie unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Craig shyly. "Craig thanks for-for being so...cool." and then she added quickly "About the whole Sean thing I mean." "Hey Ellie? It's no problem." Craig said nodding, "It's the least I can do," and then he added with a smile "You've been the best about Manny." Ellie whenced a little but nodded with a smile "That's me, good old Ellie Nash, best friend to pathetic loser Craig Manning." Craig laughed "Get out of my car!" and Ellie laughed to trying her best to cover her feelings as she closed the door. "Bye El, look I'll call you tonight ok?" "Ok." Ellie said, and she waved reluctantly as Craig's car drove off.

Ellie had been trying her hardest not to even _think_ about Sean in the past year but she noticed that ever since she'd heard he was back she always found herself comparing Craig to Sean "Sean, would've noticed that I liked him." "Sean would never ask me to help him get his ex-girlfriend back." "Sean would see what I was trying to get him to understand." and this time was no different "Sean would never be so obliv-" Ellie thought but she shook the thought from her mind as she walked a little ways down the street in front of her apartment "Sean is nothing like Craig." she said to herself with a laugh "Sean would leave me when he knew that I needed him, with an apartment that I can't pay for, a disconnected relationship with anyone but him, and a broken heart. _That's_ Sean Cameron. Hero of the freaking century!"

Ellie wanted to get away from her apartment rather than stay there, no doubt remembering everything that she was at that moment trying to forget, so she walked gingerly to the park, head down, hands in her pockets and her face towards the sidewalk.

Ellie lost herself in thoughts about what she'd do this year, what she'd try and accomplish and was so lost in her thoughts that when she heard someone scream out suddenly she literally stumbled off of the sidewalk and into the street, being hit by a car that was driving right alongside her.

_Scene change: "The Dot"_

As, Emma and Manny walked into "The Dot" all eyes immediately trailed to and landed on the two of them. Manny wore a tight tube top-blue jean, which seemed to be her "color' she'd told Emma with a giggle, her hair pulled tightly into a split ponytail and she wore a short-short blue jean skirt to match, black leather high heeled boots, bangles jangling wildly on her arm.

As usual Manny relished the attention all of the male waiters rushing to serve her as she entered sitting, feigning uninterest in a chair. Emma, was also dressed in rare form, wearing a tight backless white dress that came up to her thighs, her hair in a "Bun, Emma! You look so cute this way and you never wear it like this!" as Manny had whined fighting Emma's reluctant hair into a bun and then stuffing Emma's unwilling feet into strappy white sandals.

Emma had allowed all of this with a judging eye wondering what Sean would think if he saw her-though she knew he wouldn't- and right before they'd left the house to get into the cab, Emma had rushed back to the door to change. "Emma! You said I could pick out the clothes!" "I know Manny, But-I just-just hold on!" and Emma had rushed downstairs pulling on a pair of tight black jeans, the first pair she saw, covering her legs and ruining Manny's effect at the same time as relieving her own unfounded paranoia. "_Just in case!_" she'd said to herself as she rushed back up the stairs and out the door.

Now, as Emma entered the restaurant full of horny busboys she realized it made no difference as they swarmed around her. Manny laughed and flirted relishing the attention and where Emma normally would've tried to do the same, proving herself to Manny and to the guys, she stayed silent staring off at a window with a sullen expression that didn't match her breezy flirtatious clothes.

"Emma?" Manny said, shaking her friend away from her depressing thoughts "Our day remember? What's wrong?" "Nothing Manny," Emma said brightening her face, but this time Manny didn't buy it.

She frowned at Emma and then stated staring directly into Emma's eyes, "Is it about Sean?" Emma couldn't help the jerk that her shoulders did at hearing his name out loud and she scowled at Manny. "_Nothing's wrong,_ Manny." She said slowly and then leaned back as the busboy placed their drinks carefully on the table. "Emma, I talked to Sean. He told me you won't talk to him. I know _something's _wrong." Emma's eyes about popped out her head as she dug her nails into the table, "You _spoke_ to Sean?" Manny just looked at Emma as though nothing was wrong.

"Manny, what exactly do you mean when you say you _"spoke"_ to Sean?" Emma said her heart beating faster than she wished and her hands shaking as she spoke. Manny looked at Emma as she leaned back in her chair crossing her arms. "Em, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It's just...well I know that you're not doing as well as you want everyone to believe you are and-" "Manny!" Emma said cutting Manny off angrily. "What did you say to Sean?" Manny arched her eyebrows, but she still answered, shrugging a little nervously "He just-he asked me what had happened with you while he was gone. Like, he wanted to check up on you or whatever." Emma closed her eyes calming herself, beads of sweat forming on her heavily made up brow "Manny: what did you **_tell_** him?"

Manny looked at Emma in confusion for a second and then said, in a tone of insulted pride, "I didn't tell him about Jay, if that's what you're worried about." Emma sighed heavily and then leaned back in her chair. "Emma, he's going to find out about tha-" "Manny, just drop it ok? I don't give a damn what Sean Cameron finds out about." "You sure are acting like you do. He told me you wouldn't talk to him and I _know _you want to ." Manny said, a touch of anger in her rising voice "What is going on with you? I mean for an entire year you act like you can't stand to hear his name because you miss him so much and I know he saved your life and so you guys have some like-connection now or whatever. But Emma, how long are you gonna pretend before you actually deal with this? Before you tell him whatever it is that you want to say?" Emma stared away from Manny's face and said quietly and sternly, "Manny? I know it's been...weird ok? But Sean...I-I mean I _can't_ go there alright? I don't want to and I'm not going to so just drop the subject alright?"

Manny and Emma sipped their drinks in silence for a moment before Emma finally broke the silence saying in an apologetic voice "Manny? This is supposed _our_ day you know? We're supposed to be having fun? Not thinking about the extreme emotional bullcrap that we both seem to be saddled with." Manny looked at her friend with a smile, "I know Em, I'm sorry about telling Sean about, you know, you and stuff, but I just-" "It's okay Manny. Let's forget that and get on with our lives." And then after a slight pause, Emma added "Besides I mean, he's going to find out eventually, right?" and even as she spoke the words Emma felt a slight pain in her chest at the thought.

_Scene Change: Sidewalk leading to the park_

"Ellie!" Sean said as he leaped from the driver's seat of his car and rushed to the front where Ellie lay sprawled on the ground in front of him. "God, Ellie? Are you alright?" Ellie blinked up at Sean a little dazed but not at all hurt. "I'm fine, Cameron." she said as he yanked her to her feet "What the hell are you doing? Stalking me?" Sean rubbed the back of his head nervously trying to think of the right way to put it.

Sean had been driving around all morning looking for Ellie, having gone to her apartment and realized that she wasn't there. He then went to all the places that he knew Ellie had used to like to hang out at; the park being the third. Sean had seen her walking along the sidewalk so he slowed up his car driving alongside her and said hey a few times. When she seemed to be ignoring him he finally screamed "Ellie!" at which point she stumbled, startled, onto the hood of his car.

"I was just looking for you. I-I need to talk to you." Ellie looked a little taken aback, then she nodded knowingly "Ah! So it's time for the long-awaited "guilt" talk." Sean smiled uneasily and he nodded towards his car. "Will you just let me ride you to the park? Please?" Ellie stared at him before finally nodding as she walked over opening the passenger door. Ellie said, "It's not like I have any better to do." and sliding into the roughed up but clean seat. "This is a real beauty, Cameron." she said as she glanced back at the seat behind them, which had been covered, apparently by Sean, with a torn white bedspread to hide whatever damaged horror lay beneath. "Hey! it only cost $350." Sean said pretending insult. "And besides, it's a work-in-progress."

_Not unlike this conversation_, Ellie thought as she and Sean, after exchanging smiles, sat in silence both waiting for the other to speak.

After Sean parked the car he seemed to trying to figure out where to start when Ellie said suddenly, "Look, Sean, what are we doing? We don't have to do this; I mean it's not like we don't already know how we feel about one another." Sean raised an interested eyebrow, "Oh? we do huh? How is that?" Ellie hadn't expected this and so she stuttered a little "Um, well you know, I um," "You're pissed at me?" Sean said. Ellie nodded slowly before adding fiercely as Sean hung his head a little "Well, what did you really expect, Sean! A welcoming committee? 'Oh! my boyfriend who left me all alone-practically stranded-in the Degrassi desert is back! Whoop dee Damn doo!' " Sean didn't say anything, just stared at the steering wheel "I know El, I know. But I-I thought-" "What Sean! What did you think! That I just got over it? That I was just able to pick up _all_ the pieces, shattered though they be, and put em all together again? Well I wasn't." Ellie finished quietly and then she pulled up her sleeve "I cut myself with them."

Sean was reluctant to look at Ellie's arm and when he did he had to look away immediately. It was scarred badly, much worse than the last time he'd seen it, though there didn't seem to be any fresh cuts. Just the thought that he'd caused the scars was enough to turn his stomach.

"Ellie...I'm sorry." Sean said, quietly "I know that it was messed up, I know. But, I had to go. I didn't really have a choice." "Yes you did Sean. And you chose to leave." Ellie said pulling her sleeve back down "While the rest of us tried to figure out, tried to cope, you just ran away from..." Ellie paused wiping her teary eyes, "Everything." As Ellie finished her statement, Sean finally allowed a tear to fall from his eye.

Ellie was the first one to speak the truth to him about the way he left since he'd returned and it proved to much for him to handle. Finally, he turned towards, Ellie a crazed look in his eyes "I know! Alright! I know you cut, and I know you were hurt, and I know that I could've helped you. I could've-couldv'e helped Emma but I didn't. I just-I left and now I'm back, but I can't make it right and I'm sorry ok! I know you guys hate me Ellie but I'm sorry That's all I can say, Ellie, I'm sorry!"

Ellie was crying now; she hadn't expected them but the tears rolled fiercely down her cheeks. Tying everything that was happening now with everything that had happened with Craig the last few days, Ellie couldn't take it. She didn't hate Sean...She was angry at him...angry as hell; but she didn't hate him.

"Sean it's ok all right?" Ellie said touching his shoulders reassuringly "You left, and you hurt me, you did, but that was a year and a half ago. I'm over it, really, and I don't hate you." Sean smiled at Ellie. He'd always loved the way she tried to cheer him up; even when he didn't deserve it. "I just-I just really need you to know that I'm sorry." He said with overwhelming emotion in his shaky voice, struggling not to cry. "I do know." Ellie said with a smile "I know." and when she leaned over and hugged Sean, he knew that she really meant it.

There wasn't much left for them to say after that so Ellie said "I'm gonna go, ok?" and Sean nodded as she stepped out of the car. "And Sean?" Ellie said nervously leaning into the window. Sean looked at her questioningly "For what it's worth, I really _missed_ you." Sean smiled nodding, "I know." He said simply "Thank you for that; for missing me."

As he drove away Ellie looked after Sean's car. She hadn't expected him to say he missed her too but it hurt, just a little, still. But thinking about all that had happened and all that was still to happen as she stared after his car she said to herself "Sean, I hope to Hell she's worth it." Having noted that Sean got extra emotional when speaking about what had happened to Emma, Ellie wasn't too slow to figure out that he cared for her now.

But, as she walked through the grassy field of the park Ellie did feel a little better, having finally gotten some closure on her relationship with Sean.

_Scene Change: Emma's house around 7:00 p.m._

"Oh my God Emma! That was the best Pizza ever!" Manny said as she opened the door to the house and sauntered in tired from their long day "I know, it was like, amazing!" Emma said smiling "I am so full and tired and-" Manny turned to Emma smiling before leaping onto her friends neck. "Happy Em! That was the best day! Thank you so much!" "Oh Manny, I am so selfish it was more for me, than you!" Emma said with a smile and then a frown as she remembered what she'd wanted a "day" for.

"Well," Manny said yawning "I am going downstairs to bathe and dream about all these clothes we bought! You coming?" "No, I think I'm gonna go for a walk, you know, fresh air for a change?" "Ok!" Manny said, walking up to her friend again "Do you need some company?" "No, I'll be back in a moment." "Alright, I'll probably be conked out when you get back so good night Em!" "Good night Manny!" Emma said with a smile as she watched her friend walk down the stairs.

The day had gone pretty well for Emma. Put together lunch at the Dot, going to the movies, hanging out and shopping in the mall, and reconnecting with her best friend and she'd pretty much had too full of a day to really _really_ think about Sean or Rick or Peter. Which was of course what she'd wanted. But now, as she walked toward her front door thinking of all the thoughts she'd probably process in her short walk, Emma almost admonished herself for avoiding everything. She'd avoided thinking about Peter, about Rick, about Sean, _And look where it got me, _she thought turning the doorknob _Thinking intensely about Rick and Peter and Se-_ but when she opened the door, Emma thought possibly she was imagining things or maybe just being delusional before she finally stammered out "Sean? What are you doing here?"


	16. Reconnect 8a

_**Chapter 8**_

_**Reconnecting...**_

**Emma:**

_If I can Just..._

If I can just...f_orget_ for a minute.

Just, you know, Imagine that I'm not in pain

That I didn't just break someone's heart

That I'm not...in...love

If I can just...get through this for today

Maybe I can just...not...hurt.

For a little while at least.

**Sean:**

Save Us

I'm too late too catch her

I left before I could

Now that I know where she felt

I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes I stumble too.

Ok, I completely wipe out

But if I can get her to save me again

I might be able to save her

And I know if I can

Hell, maybe if _we_ can

stop acting so...messed up

We can save...us

**Please Review anyone who likes this story! Please you guys I need Feedback! Seriously!**

Jazzy-Raveler


	17. Too much To sayTo Say 9

Too Much To say To…Say

It was in the moment that Sean saw Emma that he was unable to speak. He_ had_ been hyping himself up to force Emma-literally, _force_ if he had to-to speak with him thinking of phrases like: "We're talking!" "No more games Emma, Let's talk...now!" and then the simple but still aggressive "Talk to me, Emma.".

However, when Sean finally saw Emma, was standing face to face with her close enough to touch, he couldn't speak, because the sight of her literally rendered him speechless.

Standing the doorway of the dimly lit house Emma's face-being as of now, engulfed in shimmery Manny-like makeup-sparkled and shimmered in the rapidly growing moonlight. The white dress, that, Sean thought, fell especially ahem flatteringly on her nicely shaped form, seemed to glow and Emma-unbeknownst to her-looked strikingly angelic.

Not that Sean hadn't seen Emma before, dressed in Manny inspired digs and ready to get into trouble –Although it had been after their break-up so he had tried his best not to pay nay particular attention to it—this wasn't the case at all. The fact was this? This was different because Sean no longer had any reason—no pretend-hate, no slutty-girlfriend to try and make Emma jealous, and no Ellie Nash to occupy the part of his mind that needed a beautiful girl to be with—to deny or try to cover up the fact that to him Emma, her face, and her body were enough to make him lose his train of thought. So Sean looked at her…longed for her, glancing slowly up her trembling body.

Emma felt naked. Stark-naked and cursed herself for opening the door dressed in her heavy make-up, tight dress, and hooker heels. Emma tensed up in delirious confusion as her mind raced, struggling with the strong, although opposing thoughts: _Who does he think **he's** looking at!_ and _Is **he** checking me out!_

Sean seemed to snap into reality all at once, realizing that just maybe he did have one more reason not to gap lustfully at Emma;…Emma, who stared at him with an increasingly impatient glower.

"Talk!" Sean stated gruffly which caused to gasp incredulously saying "_Sean? _You're at _my_ front door so unless you want it slammed in _your_ fa-" "I'm sorry, that's-that's not what I meant." Sean stammered, his jaw tightening nervously. "I meant: you asked me what I'm doing here and I came to talk…to you."

Emma stiffened, her heart beating quickly as she stared into Sean's eager face and foolishly hoped that this was a dream. "So you…you talked to Ellie?" She asked, trying to sound demanding but instead managing to sound like someone throwing up an overly used emotional protective shield. Sean sighed and nodded "Yeah, I did, earlier, " He said and then his eyes wandering away from Emma's at the memory of he and Ellie's hug, said "And…we're cool."

Emma nodded gently, though she felt herself tense up at the mention of the words "we're cool" and tried her best not to show it. Sean didn't couldn't see Emma's anxious expression in the dim light, but suddenly sensing what the words _might've _implied he said quickly "Not-not back together. Just-just cool." "That's good…" Emma said with a small sigh of relief, and then quickly realizing what her words _might've_ implied added quickly "That you two are cool. Not that you're…not back together." "Yeah…I got that." Sean said and he and Emma stood in silence for a moment.

Emma glanced around nervously, trying to think of another excuse not to talk with Sean "Well, Sean, I'm sorry but…it's getting kinda late and…" "It's only 7:15." "Yeah I know b-" "Well…are you about to uh, go somewhere?" Sean said gesturing impatiently towards Emma's clothes. Emma nodded then shook her head at the same time "Yeah, I mean no, I mean no-not like this." Sean allowed a torturous smile to cross his face and Emma turned bright red, glad that it was too dark for Sean to see her embarrassment.

Finally Emma sighed, realizing that it was really rather pointless to avoid talking to Sean any longer. "Look Sean, I've gotta change my…shoes, and then I was planning on going for a walk. If you don't mind holding on, you can come too…if you want." Sean'd face brightened and he nodded eagerly saying "Yeah, I want." To come I mean." He added after realizing how dumb he sounded.

Emma couldn't have cared less, being too caught up with what the hell would happen when they "talked" and simply nodded stepping inside and beginning to close the door. Then, realizing how rude that would be she yanked it back open, "Oh my God, Sean I'm so sorry! Do you wan-" "No! It's cool. I'll wait out here." Sean said waving her off and stepping away from the door.

As soon as Emma closed the door Sean turned around leaning against it, staring up at the quickly darkening sky, and thinking of how beautiful Emma had looked. He hadn't noticed before how much she'd changed since he'd last seen her. Her hair was much lighter he thought and her _body?_ Her body was much more ahem _womanly_, than it had been the last time he'd seen her. Thinking about it for a second, he found it hard to believe that she'd been anorexic.

Sean didn't realize that leaning against the door was a bad idea until Emma opened it, causing him to jump forward so as to avoid falling and causing her to jump back, startled at his startled jump. "Sorry," Sean said with a sheepish smile. "It's ok," Emma said stepping out the door and closing it beside her. Sean jumped off the doorstep and turned to face Emma. Who was walking slowly up to him.

Her hair was down now, out of the tightly unforgiving bun, and gone was the heavy makeup. She now wore a fitted tee as opposed to the white dress, and a pair of loosely fitted black jeans. On her feet, she wore white running-or in this case walking-shoes. The purpose for changing her clothes was of course to make Emma more comfortable, physically and emotionally, but had she known the thoughts that went through Sean's mind she still would've been unnerved, as he stared at her thinking dopily of how cute she looked in her jogging clothes.

Emma looked away from Sean as she walked up beside him and not being able to stand the weird looks, and silence any longer she jogged ahead of him and into the quiet road. Stopping to stare at Sean she said irritably "Are you coming?"

Sean rushed into the road to join her and soon stuffed his hands in his pockets and pushed his feet out in front of him, strongly contrasting Emma's controlled breathing and small steps.

The two of them walked in silence for a while. Not particularly headed anywhere just walking the street as far as it would go, both of their minds searching for an answer to the same question "How do you talk to someone you've missed like Hell for a yr and a half…without letting them know?"

The moonlight treaded lightly across Emma's hair, giving it that infamously enchanting glow; the same glow it had when Sean had first seen her looking so sad and desperate as she lay in the front of her house. The moonlight also draped across Sean, in a way that made his hoodie-his same old gray hoodie-seem as though a ghostly particle of clothing, striding clumsily down the street.

At that moment, glancing hesitantly at one another, the two were both fighting and warding off the very same thought:... "God, I love you." But, instead of saying what they felt, they managed to let out warbled sighs, mixing into the empty night air along with all of the issues, emotions, and unrecognized longing that had grown so deeply in the two of their hearts.

Finally Sean found his voice, and began to speak slowly Staring first, off onto the cold asphalt and then at Emma he said curiously, "Do you go walking out here a lot?" Emma, who had been lost in her own thoughts of what to feel… what to say… turned toward him nervously "Huh? Oh yeah, not as much as I used to…" Sean managed an overly amazed interested gasp, "I never _knew_ you usta walk out here, at night." Emma sighed a little, "I didn't, Not until…the thing with Rick." "Oh," Sean said steadily and once again the nights silence overtook the two as they tread steadily on.

"I uh, I can't really-I mean I don't really sleep much since…it." Sean said, his voice suddenly small and insecure. Emma nodded "Neither do I." Sean looked at Emma knowingly "Nightmares?" "Yeah," "Me too." The two continued walking until Emma stopped suddenly, "Do you wanna sit?" she said pointing to a small patch of grass in someone's yard. Sean looked at her a little uneasily and then shrugged "Sure." plopping into the grass as Emma sat down gingerly beside him.

Darkness had almost completely taken over now, and the two of them had only the glow of the moonlight that lay mysteriously over them both. Though it was a particularly beautiful night, neither of them thought of this, instead thanking God that it had gotten dark so quickly, helping to shadow the emotions of this; their night and at the same time provide a shield for emotions that would go unsaid, but in certain looks, never unseen.

"So…How has Degrassi been?" Sean said "The same as always…" Emma said with a sigh then, added a little distantly "…Minus you." Sean laughed, partially nervous and slightly trying to fake indifference "Well, I'm sure Jay has been keeping things messed up pretty good for me!" Emma tensed at the name, that feeling of desperation flashing over her again. "Have you…have you talked? To Jay, I mean?" Sean paused at this for a moment, noting the change in Emma's voice Then said pensively "Naw. Not yet, he hasn't been around. Normally he usta hang at Alex's but I didn't go by there yet…Why? Is something up with him?" Emma silently thanked God that Sean hadn't talked to Jay yet and then said, as though it were of little interest to her "Jay was expelled, Sean." "Really! Man! When!" "A little while after you left." Emma said, not entirely sure 'when' but still, making sure to focus on the moon and not look at Sean. Just talking about Jay as though he were the same insignificant blip on her radar he had been when Sean left, was painful for her.

"Man!" Sean said pulling his hoodie and black cap from off of his nearly chin length brown hair and musting it up pretty good. "That's messed up… What _did he do_? I mean. Did they catch him, uh,…stealing stuff or whatever…?" Emma shook her head not even taking note of the way Sean's voice seemed so ashamed as he said "stealing".

"He was a part of…the whole…Rick incident. Him and Spinner." The words filled the air and Sean took them in with a silent nod. It wasn't too surprising to him but he didn't really know what to say following the mention of Rick's name again.

This time, Emma broke the silence, turning towards Sean suddenly, not being content to take this torture take it any longer. "Sean, don't tell me we came all the way out here just to ignore the elephant in the…in the..." Emma searched frantically for words and then said "in the road!" Sean sighed a deep breath of relief glad that Emma had brought issues up first.

"No, we didn't. I just wanted to make sure you were…you know…ready." Emma sat up a little straight. "Whatever we need to sort out, I'm ready."

Sean nodded a little and then pushing his bent knees over the curb of the grassy yard and into the street, he folded his arms over one another, and sighed deeply, staring off ahead of him, searching for the right way to start off.

"Emma…? I'm not…a hero. I'm not proud of what happened with Rick and I never will be." Emma caught her breathe. She hadn't expected this "Sean I-" "No, Emma, I just had to say that to you, ok. I know no one really likes to talk about what happened, but me and you? I don't think we really have a choice."

Emma braced herself for anything and listened holding her breathe. "I don't know if Manny told you but…" "I know. You talked." Emma said with a reassuring nod, she didn't want Sean to think that he'd been wrong to grill Manny, even though she had no intention of telling him, she was glad that he cared enough to want to know. "Yeah well, I needed to know. And I wanted to say sorry; about all th-" "Sean? Don't." Emma said sternly, not sure how much emotional backlash she could take in one night and hoping that Sean would hurry and get to his point.

"The point is…" Sean said eyeing her anxiously out of the corner of his eye. "I figure since I know how you've been...dealing, you should now how I've been, you know…?" He paused looking towards Emma for a confirmation of his thoughts. Emma's didn't speak but as she forced a small but still meaningful nod, Sean continued.

"The last year for me? It wasn't exactly a picnic, you know? First, my parents treated me like some kind of freak. They never really seemed to notice me, they just pretended I wasn't there. But, that didn't really bother me…not, as much as the school did. Some of the kid's thought I was a hero, but most of em, just said I was a-" Sean paused for a second, allowing Emma a chance to instinctively place her hand on his knee to comfort him. "murderer." Sean said in a whispered and choked voice that almost made Emma break down. "Sean, you're not!" Emma said, calmly rubbing his knee.

Then she and he both glanced down uneasily at her hand as though just now noticing it causing Emma to grow uncomfortable and remove it quickly. Sean smiled a little, his teeth halfway shining in the dark. "I know Emma. At first, it was really hard to handle, you know? I couldn't sleep or I'd have these nightmares about…about it. So, my school work started slacking and I started getting…" "Ancy?" Emma offered pulling at the grass between the two of them "..Angry." Sean said shaking his head, and leaning over to rip a few blades of grass out himself.

"So the next time someone had something to say, I punched him out. After that, I got in fights almost every day for a month." Sean paused calming himself his voice having heightened in anger after the last sentence.

"The teachers said they were worried; that I couldn't fit in, "socially or academically because of the emotional after affects of the"...thing. It was bullshit basically, but they still made me go to a school therapist." Sean paused as though ashamed of the words he'd spoken but Emma comforted him. "It's ok, Sean. I had to see one too. A lot went on, sometimes it helps to-to talk to someone who-" "That's just it Emma!" Sean interrupted her "They don't freaking get it! Noone does! The only one who would understand what I was going through…" Sean said his voice trailing off and then stopping, the unfinished sentence lingering along with every other lingering feeling between the two of them. Emma didn't push it. She didn't know what he mighta said and she decided it best not to think on it.

After a cool breeze suddenly blew past the two of them and then went just as suddenly Sean started again, turning toward Emma with a weary expression on his face. "In Wasaga…I really missed…" Emma held her breathe Would he actually verbalize it? would he actually say what she needed so desperately to hear? "…Degrassi. The people; the teachers; the classes. It was crazy! It was like I was in some warped reality. Anyway, the counselor was some quack with all kinds of weird methods." He said twisting his face in a way that caused Emma to laugh in spite of the situation. Covering her mouth to capture the laugh just as quickly as it had escaped Emma looked into Sean's eyes and waited for him to continue…he didn't he just looked back at her peculiarly.

In Emma's mind she felt that Sean thought that she wasn't taking him seriously and she quickly turned her eyes towards the ground saying "Sorry," with a sheepish but highly embarrassed smile.

Sean wasn't thinking of the fact that she'd laughed while he was speaking in this way, only that she had laughed. He'd missed hearing Emma's bubbly, contagious laughter and his stare was one of longing; one of desperation; wanting so badly to be the cause of this laugh that he'd missed for a year.

"So what did you do?" Emma said, after the silence had again lingered too long. "You talked to her didn't you?" "Him." Sean spoke up refocusing his thoughtful stare into the street. "And no.

After about a week or 2 of his "Tell me what you felt when you walked in…When you sat down…when you _pissed _this morning! "" "Sean!" "I told him to go to hell and started ignoring him every time I went." Emma frowned at Sean "Real mature Sean!" Sean shook his head laughing "I never said I was."

Emma found herself remembering the last time she'd seen Sean laugh. She and Ellie were being covered in sand by he and Jay at the beach before she knew that Sean was leaving her and she'd thought "This is it. I love him…I'll be with him…somehow." The thought trailed through Emma's mind at this moment also but remembering all that had happened since that day…

Emma shivered a little. Sean started and then without a word, he ripped off his hoodie-revealing a gray wife-beater underneath- and forcing it over Emma's head. "Sean! I'm fi-" "No. It's ok. I'm not cold. I just-I wear it…not really sure why." "I've noticed," Emma said easing the warm hoodie over her arms and then hugging herself. Sean couldn't help but to think of it as her hugging him and smiled forgetting for a moment the task at hand.

Emma tried,-but not to hard-not to stare at Sean's arms; muscular and glistening in the moonlight. Emma remembered the last time she'd been held by those arms…she wondered if they still felt so good…The two of them unintentionally stared at one another and then almost at the same time shook their heads shaking out the irrelevant thoughts and turning to face the unthreatening road as supposed to their unspoken emotions.

The intensity of this-just sitting next to Sean talking-was getting to be too much for Emma and she decided to end it before this night ended up taking her in a place that she _knew_ she was too weak to go. "Sean, I really-I mean I'm glad we talked but it's getting kinda late so maybe we should…" As she spoke, Emma stood up, the heavy grey hoodie-along with the current of emotion she suddenly felt- causing her to be a little a imbalanced.

"No!" Sean said earnestly, grabbing Emma's arm to pull her back beside him. "I mean…uh,…wait." He stuttered,-after realizing that he had a hint too much excitement in his voice and action. Sean let go of Emma saying quietly and refusing to look up at her, "Not yet, Em."

Emma stared down at him, cursing him for touching her. Even under his thick hoodie she'd felt the twinge, the excitement mixed with pain that his touch always seemed to cause her. But after staring at him hatefully for a moment, she relented, against her better judgment, sitting down beside him.

"Emma, I wanted you to talk to me…" Sean said quickly fearing that he'd lose his nerve "Tell me…that you're alright now. And if you weren't well, I just say…I'm sorry for everything that happened to you while I was gone. I don't know if I coulda stopped any of it or not but I'm just, I'm sorry that you had to deal with…all of that…on your own. I'm really sorry." Sean's voice rose and fell in choked gasps as he spoke and Emma could feel the tears treading steadily beneath her closed eyelids.

She felt so much emotion that wasn't sure how to express it. Sean didn't know the half of what she'd gone through…and she couldn't tell him. But with his statement Emma felt the need to tell Sean, to tell him about everything; the nightmares; the fear; the cold sweats; the feelings of loneliness. But Emma's mind tortured her, reminding her why she'd been avoiding Sean.

Other than the fact that she was still a little too screwed up in her own mind to try and care about Sean right now, other than the fact that she felt so scared of what would become of "them" if he ever found out who she'd really become, **_this_** was what Emma had wanted to avoid; feeling the urge to let him in again so that could hurt her, even more than he was right now.

This was it; the sorry that always seemed to reduce Emma to forgiving, loving, and bitterly resently Sean again, here it was and here she was accepting it, readily. But, just as Emma felt that her heart might burst from sadness, happiness, guilt, pain, and the struggle she was enduring in trying not to hug him Sean, kiss him, or what she deemed worse of all right about now-to actually tell him the truth-Sean said something that caused Emma's feelings of gratitude to turn immediately into an over-exaggerated-due to her need for an easy out and her twisted emotions-and sudden burst of anger.

"Emma…I'm sorry that you…-that you needed me, and I wasn't there for you." Emma's eyes burst open and she stared at Sean with a hateful glare. This was her easy out…The nerve of Sean Cameron to think that she needed him! At the moment it didn't occur to Emma that this was absolutely true, instead Emma lashed out angrily, glad to have found an excuse to keep hiding from Sean, hiding from her emotions.

"I didn't need you Sean!" Emma screamed into his face causing Sean to lean back a little, startled. Then he sat up a determined look on his face "Emma?... I get that you're angry; you have every right to be, but, I know-" "You know **_what, _**Sean!" Emma hissed violently standing up and glaring down at the boy who looked in an utter state of confusion. Emma began rambling and gesturing wildly with her arms, spitting out bits of truth, but still managing to keep the real truth hidden.

"You know _what_? That ever since the shooting, I'm tense all the time, scared, afraid that some unexplainably horrible thing will happen to me! That I had several nervous breakdowns over the past year and a half? That I am currently dating a boy, who doesn't even**_ freaking_** know me, just so I won't be alone? That I couldn't eat, still can't sleep and just wanted to _die!_!" Emma's tears were rushing violently down her face now and as Sean stood up walking toward her with a solemn expression on his face, Emma pushed him away from her.

"Sean, you think you know it all! Well let me tell you something you **_don't _**know, Sean. I wanted to die! I've wanted to _die_, Sean! I thought "There must be something wrong with me! I mean, God! My boyfriend dumped me, My freaking friends don't like me, some guy even wanted to freaking **_kill_** me! The problem**_ must_** be me!" So you know what? When I was in that hospital bed, and the doctors told me that I could've died, I thought about it. "First chance," I thought, "I'm going to get this over with!" I wanted to make sure that I finished the job that Rick should've! And would've if it hadn't been for **_you_**!"

Emma's last words were hissed at Sean despicably. The anger and strength in her most powerful words hit Sean directly in his heart causing him to jerk back a little, having to regain his balance and steady his feet firmly on the ground. He understood Emma better than she would know right now, but the force of her anger towards him, caused him to have to catch his breath before being able to speak. So, Emma finished was able to finish her tirades, undisturbed, in a vicious whisper, "So, don't tell me you freaking "_know"_ what I've been through! You have **_NO_** God-Damn idea!" Tears streaming down Emma's cheeks and her face glistening painfully in the moonlight, Emma turned away from Sean to race quickly down the street.

"Emma!" He yelled after her first few steps. Something about Sean's voice-was he crying?-stopped Emma cold. Almost as though she had no control over her legs-that she so fervently wanted to move-she froze where she stood; her back toward him, her tears dripping torment fully onto the dark cold asphalt of the street.

"…You're right." Sean started, with a small gasp causing Emma to realize that he_ was_ crying, "You're right, ok! I don't know what you went through…I don't know anything about nervous breakdowns, or-or anorexia hell! what do **I** _know_ about **_that_**!" As he spoke Sean inched closer and closer to Emma, and though she didn't move or turn around, she could feel his body trudging towards her carefully.

Sean's voice shrunk considerably as he spoke in-between gasps "But, Emma? I know what it's like to have nightmares, seeing the guy's face as he loses his life. I know what it's like to_ want_ to die. I know what it's like to wish that…that the bullet hadn't missed, Em, because I wished it hadn't missed me every...s_ingle…_ **_day_** of my **_life_** in Wasaga! Every freaking day Em! And the only reason I came back-knew that I had to come back-was cuz I thought was going to do it. I was walking out the door, with a freaking bottle of beer and was about to drive my car over a freaking bridge!"

Emma turned towards Sean now, hating herself for having been so selfish; willing to hurt Sean with her strong words just so that she could escape into her safe little corner and not have to feel. "Oh, Sean!" Emma said, and now she felt all of her strong returning, pulsating through her, like blood flowing through her veins, and her body changed from numb to extremely tired; so tired of trying to hide, trying to escape, hurting the boy she loved just so she wouldn't have to face him, and Emma practically fell into Sean's arms, finally allowing herself to feel, and her body and soul some much needed rest in the warm and welcoming arms in which they were held.

Sean hugged her tightly but gently, as though she was the most precious thing in the world to him, but if he wasn't careful he might break her. She sobbed into his shoulder as he continued struggling to get the last few sentences out.

"I was messed up pretty bad. I'd just gotten into a fight, busted lip, black eye, I hadn't been sleep for days. And all the antidepressants or what the hell ever drugs those idiots at that school were telling me to stay hoped up on? They weren't helping any.

"I was sitting in my room thinking about weird stuff, that's what those drugs did to me I guess…and then Rick…that day…everything just…hit me and no matter what I tried I couldn't stop thinking about it. And the-the next thing I remember, I'm staring at the bottle, my car keys in my hand and walking up to the door…" Emma's sobs were passionate now and she hugged Sean tighter just thinking about what she'd have done if…then deciding not to think about it all.

"And that's when the phone rang. I don't know what it was, cause after all the bullshit I'd been dealing with, the last thing I'd been thinking about was taking calls for my passed out parents But, something…some _thing _made me answer that phone. And it was Mr. Simpson." "Snake?" Emma gasped, lifting her head up to stare at Sean, a little bewildered. He stared back her, his face tearstained, and said with a halfhearted shrug "He-he told me that he was thinking of coming to visit me…that he was thinking of bringing…you; that you guys…you hadn't given up…on me." Here, Sean paused taking a deep breath and Emma buried her head into his shoulder again, knowing that he'd rather she not see his tearful restraint.

"That was it. I-I told him that I'd come see him instead. I didn't want you guys to see me…that way, Emma. And…I don't think I'd taken a bath in days either." At this, Sean and Emma both allowed themselves a small laugh and Emma wiped her eyes on Sean's shoulder.

"So," Sean said his voice pretty clear now, though the wet tears still clung to his reddened face. "The next few weeks I stayed away from the wannabe gangsters and just…I don't know. I just studied all the time, didn't hang out , didn't watch tv, or listen to music, I just focused, ya know? And by the time the school year was out my attitude was ok, my grades had shot up, and my goal to get back here, to see if there were really any people left who still thought I was…a human being, seemed like it was right in front of me."

As he said this Sean placed his head over Emma's gently kissing the top of her blonde head. "Sean, you can do _anything_." Emma said with a small smile and breathed into his chest "Anything you want, you can get it, if you try." She said smiling. It felt good to be able to encourage Sean to be better again. It felt good to have someone actually listen to her as opposed thinking that everything she did and said was because she was damaged goods.

"I know." Sean said, his silent prayer for Emma's complete and utter forgiveness having been answered and he thought as he clung to Emma, not sure which of them was holding on and which was just there, in that perfect moment, when two people fit one another like pieces of a puzzle, he thought, _And everything I want… is right in front of me._

Emma was silent. She hadn't known anything about Snake planning to take her to see Sean, but she didn't mention this. She knew that her parents had been worried about her _I guess they thought I missed_ him, she thought and then, remembering that Sean couldn't hear her thoughts, _I did_.

Sean and Emma stood in this way for what seemed like hours long awaited, and forever to be cherished. Neither of them spoke what was so ardently on their hearts. Neither of them spoke of the pain, heartache, and guilt that they felt thinking of what had passed between them the last 2 yrs. There was no need, all they needed at that moment was all they had. Sean had Emma in his arms and Emma had Sean in hers. _The rest_ they both thought, _I'll figure out later._

_Slight Scene Change: A little ahead of where Sean and Emma are standing on the opposite side of the street beneath a darkened tree on the sidewalk._

He couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking about her. So he left his house a little after 7 walking so that he would have time to clear his thoughts. He was going to apologize to her, make things right between them; fix them. And then, as he rounded the corner, he saw a couple embrace one another fiercely.

It had taken him hours to get his head together enough to even walk down her street, and now at this spectacle he almost jumped a little, before settling down and realizing that they were kids. He hadn't thought that anyone would be out this late and so he peered curiously, from beneath the tree until he made out the face that leaned pasionately against the guy's shoulder, eyes closed.

_Emma?_ He thought peering a little closer, **_Emma!_** He realized and _Sean Cameron_ he realized also. Clenching his teeth and fists together he stared at them. Him, stroking her silky blonde hair and her, rocking gently against the comforting shoulder. What was she wearing…? Was it…his hoodie! She was wearing the guy's jacket.

_What the **Hell** is going on?_ He thought his mind racing and tears surfacing unexpectedly in his eyes. He loved her so much…if only he could tell her. But now, now this... this guy who had broken her heart before, obviously damaged her. He had the nerve to come back into her life-his life too-and just just steal her away in the night!

He turned around, his face as dark as the sky, and marched heavyily hearted back in the direction he'd come. _I'll tell her_, he thought. It was all he _could_ do. _And then she'll-she'll just have to choose, _he thought.

As he thought this the first tear fell because seeing the way she'd clutched him, held him, clung to him as though for dear life, he had a feeling he knew who she'd choose.


	18. Too much to say 9a

**_Chapter 9a Too much to say...to say_**

**Emma:**

_**Tonight I…**_

_**Tonight I cried**_

_**Tonight I was weak**_

_**Tonight I felt so lost**_

_**Tonight I couldn't speak**_

_**Tonight I was vulnerable**_

_**Tonight I wasn't strong**_

_**Tonight I felt so insecure **_

_**Tonight I felt so wrong**_

_**Tonight I depended on someone else**_

_**Tonight I lost self-control**_

_**Tonight I admitted that yes, I am scared**_

_**Tonight I bore my soul**_

_**Tonight someone listened**_

_**Tonight he understood**_

_**Tonight I wanted to hold him**_

_**And tonight…?**_

_**I actually could**_

**Sean:**

**Beautifully Terrifying**

**She's just as beautifully terrifying**

**As she's always been **

**The way I remember her being **

**And it still scares me**

**Tears me**

**Apart…**

**Knowing that I could love someone**

**So much better than me**

**It's so much easier to breathe…**

**She's so…**

**Beautifully terrifying**


	19. Things Better Left Unsaid 10

**Author's Note:**

Hey guys! Ok this is Chapter 10! there is no Sean is this chapter for all you Sean fans, but he's going strong in Chapter 11 so just read anyway ok? Um, I am writing Chapter 11 as we speak and hopefully it'll be up later tonight. Anyway tho' I also have 2 other stories that I just posted so go check em out and R & R ok!

Alright, I'm done with the crazy...

And the shameless self-promotion...

on with the story...

Jazzy-Raveler!

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi...would I really be sitting here typing to you...?**

**Chapter 10**

**Things Better Left Unsaid…**

Emma's cheery attitude in the morning strongly contrasted Manny's gloomy one and Manny thought as much as she sat at the kitchen table and watched her friend humming happily as she washed the breakfast dishes.

The reason of course for Emma's happiness was her talk with Sean. She was really surprised at how good it had felt to finally speak about…everything. Well, everything she could anyway, and she'd been smiling to herself all morning about how well their "talk" if you could really call it that, had gone. Even though they'd ended up crying in one another's arms She and Sean had still…still…C_onnected?_ She thought curiously, R_eunited?_ What _had_ they actually done through their talk? She wasn't sure, but instead of searching for a word-that she couldn't find, anyway-to describe their encounter with, she just shrugged the thought off, reminding herself that she'd been in _Sean's_ arms and that was all that really mattered. Then, Emma shuddered, and quickly shook off the thought that _this_ was possibly the _entire_ reason why she felt so much better.

Manny on the other hand, had had no long-awaited hugs, encounters, or even talks with the love of her life and she stared at Emma angrily. She knew that Emma was happy about something that had to do with Sean, but she knew that Emma wouldn't admit it and she also knew that it would be pointless to ask. And so, mixing this with the growing resentment she'd begun to feel thinking that Emma'd been relieved through talking or…whatever after having advised her not to, Manny stared at her friend, her arms crossed, jealousy mixing with pain and sadness, and showing up unintentionally in her face.

Emma turned around and looking at her friend almost jumped, startled at the look Manny was searing into her. "Manny?" Emma said, calming herself and then tensing a little, worried about Manny "Are you ok? You look like you had a rough night." Manny shrugged her expression changing to just a tightened stare saying, "Maybe I did." Then her eyes flickered angrily and she said staring up at Emma-. "How was your walk?" Emma managed to suppress the smile and said simply, staring down at the table as she sat down across from her friend, "It was…nice. I sorted a lot of stuff out." "About Peter or about Sean?" Manny said, giving Emma a nasty pinched look.

Emma kept her composure and remembering that Manny was hurt about Craig said placing her hand on Manny's "About…everything. But what about you? Are you sure you'reok? You know…Craig-wise?" Manny's glare died down at the sound of Craig's name and her face melted sadly "I miss him so much, Em!" She said almost bursting into tears at that instant. "It's only been two days and I already miss him _sooooo_ much. How am I supposed to deal with this…?"

Emma felt a little ashamed about having advised Manny not to think about Craig, and so, trying to soothe her own conscious, she offered "Well, then… why don't you call him and tell him?" Manny's expression changed again, this time stubborn, though still sad and she said "No. I-I can't…" "Why not!" Emma exclaimed, "He obviously misses you like crazy, too. You're cell phone hasn't stopped ringing, since you guys broke up." Manny looked toward the ground with a mixed sense of guilt and pain saying quietly "Craig cheated on me, Em." Emma was a little shocked at Manny's statement. She was only a little shocked, because Craig _had_ cheated on his girlfriend-Ashley-before…with Manny. But she was still shocked because for some reason or other it had never occurred to her that he might actually cheat on _Manny_.

"Manny are you…are you sure? How do you kn-" "I saw them." Manny said her eyes locked shamefully on the floor "I was walking to school, Thursday," "But…you didn't come to school…" "I was going to go after like, first period. And I was about to call Craig, apologize to him cuz we'd gotten into a fight the other day…"

Emma held Manny's hand comfortingly as Manny went on, anger and pain increasing in her voice "And I was talking to him. I was on the_ phone_ with him Emma and that's when I turned the corner and I saw him with…her."

Emma's confusion about the whole situation caught up with her at the sound of the words "her" and her mind raced as she searched her memory for Craig girl friends and tried to think of any of the possible "her"'s Manny could've meant.

Her mind landed on only 2 girls: Ashley and Ellie. _It's_ _can't be Ashley. She's in London,_ she thought and then found herself glancing at Manny in disbelief. _She couldn't possibly mean…_ "Ellie?" Emma said with a surprised gasp Manny nodded "Yeah, he was sitting in the car with her. They were smiling all goofily and-" Manny's angered statement went unfinished as Emma un-expectantly burst into laughter.

Manny scowled at Emma hatefully, "What is so funny?" She gritted through her clenched teeth as Emma sat back in her chair gasping for breaths, in-between laughter. "You…this…Craig…and Ellie." Manny snatched her hand away from Emma's, standing up and staring down at her angrily, tears welling up into her eyes. "Well, I'm glad you find it so funny!" She yelled at Emma and turned marching hastily into the other room.

"Manny, wait!" Emma said calming herself down-realizing how insensitive she'd been-and standing up to follow her angered friend into the living room. "Look," she said, as she sat beside Manny on the couch, staring at her a and feeling a little ashamed "I'm sorry ok, it's just that…Craig isn't cheating on you, Manny; and especially not with Ellie." Manny looked at Emma a little perturbed. "_Yes_ he is. I just told you I saw-" "So did I." Emma said, cutting her friend off with a knowing smile "I saw Ellie and Craig leaving Degrassi together…to go and _find_ you. Craig wanted to convince you that _nothing_ was going on with them."

Manny had hoped she'd get relief from whatever Emma was going to say, but instead it only upset her more and she said calmly "Em, Craig and Ellie never came and looked for me. He must've been lying…" "But, Manny," Emma said, trying hard to cheer her friend up, feeling that her sadness was somehow her fault. "Craig wasn't even talking to me. He was talking to Ellie. I don't think he-" "Emma!" Manny said sharply, in a distressingly shameful tone "Craig cheated on Ashley for months…and she-she never knew, Em. I'm pretty sure Craig doesn't have _too_ much difficulty when it comes to lying." As Manny finished her statement, painful tears dropped from her eyes, and she turned away from Emma, putting her face into her trembling hands.

Emma couldn't process what exactly she was hearing. For one thing she knew that Ellie wasn't that kind of girl; even if Manny was- and it just didn't fit. Something about all of this just wasn't right and Emma racked her brain-a little harder than she normally would have had to, if she hadn't had a certain, blue-eyed, brown haired, muscular guy on her mind, and finally she gasped with a questioning energy and turned towards Manny.

"Manny? You said you were walking to school after first period…?" Manny glanced slowly up at Emma and nodded. Emma smiled at her friend, and Manny looked at Emma impatiently "You're point is…?" "Manny! Don't you get it! Craig and Ellie were in his car because they were about to go look for you! Then you called, and you freaked and-" "They never came!" Manny finished with surprised relief. "Oh my God! Emma! You're right!" but then after the sudden burst of relief, Manny's happiness disappeared and was replaced by a look of a different kind of surprise.

"Oh my God Em! Craig probably thinks I'm the biggest bitch!…What am I going to say to him?" Emma shrugged "Just tell him…tell him what happened, he'll understand." "No, Emma. I am sooooo embarrassed." Manny said sinking into the couch. She sunk even deeper into the couch thinking about the fact that she'd fought Ellie about an issue that was-at least to the extreme of actually cheating with Craig-nonexistent. "Oh my god. I _am_ the biggest bitch." She said as though admitting defeat. "Manny, no you aren't." Emma said sitting beside Manny with a reassuring tug at her shoulders.

"You just don't get it Em. How am I supposed to tell Craig that I…how am I supposed to apologize to Ellie?" Emma looked at Manny bewildered, her confusion deepening at Manny's last words. "Why would you have to apologize to Ellie…?"

Manny played it off coolly deciding not to go into the details "For thinking that of her… Accusing her…sort of." "Well, I think Ellie will understand," Emma said thoughtfully reflecting back to the few times in her entire life that she'd actually _talked_ to Ellie, and hoping that she was right.

"But as for Craig…he's…" Emma paused nodding at her friend gently with a smile "Manny, Craig is crazy about you. He's been calling like every minute and he obviously wants you back. Just tell him what happened, when he calls." Manny smiled at Emma, feeling guilty about her jealous thoughts earlier. "Thank's Em. What would I do without you?" Emma smiled as she crossed her arms and said with a playful smile "Honestly?...I have_ no _idea!"

Emma and Manny both sat at the kitchen table staring intently at Manny's cell, willing it to ring. Eventually, the phone did ring…the house phone, and Emma jumped up racing to answer it. Manny stared at Emma expectantly as she walked back into the kitchen. "It was Snake…" Emma said shaking her head softly, "He said they won't be back until this afternoon. I guess they're having a good time." Manny sighed uninterestedly, saying, "Goodie. Glad _they're_ having such a _fun-filled _weekend." And turned back towards her uncooperative cell phone leaning her head lazily on her hand. Emma nodded saying "Me too," her voice dripping with restrained jealously and sarcasm "I'm soooo happy that some people can find love…even in it is in such a late state of their lives…" Manny looked at Emma and they both burst into laughter.

After sitting at the table and staring at the phone for a moment longer Manny placed both hands on the table and set her head on them glaring at the phone intently. _Ring! Ring! Ring!_ Emma followed her example and setting her head on her hands also and thinking C_all Manny, Craig! Call Manny!_

The girls were so deeply set in their thoughts, so zoned into to willing the phone to ring, granting Manny much-needed happiness, and Emma much needed relief that she felt from the thought that Manny was unhappy, while she was happily datin-friends with-…whatever! With Sean, that when they heard ringing-the doorbell-coming from somewhere other than the phone, Emma jumped and Manny screamed. Calming down and realizing what had happened they both glared at one another as though it were somehow the others' fault that the doorbell had rung instead of the phone.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Manny demanded after a moment, "Um, is there something wrong with your legs!" Emma shot back, but still got up and walked toward the door. She hoped it was Sean-although she saw no reason why he'd be at her door at 10 in the morning, and knew he'd think feel the same. But, Emma pretty much expected it to be Craig, which would explain why he had yet to call Manny's taunting cell phone.

Of course, it was neither of these two and as Emma yanked the door open she was greeted with a stare from ex's uncomfortable and tired face. "Hi," Peter said looking at Emma in a way that made her feel uncomfortable, ashamed, and weirded out all at the same time. Emma shivered inside, thinking that maybe he was about to tell her off, and this weird look was just his preparation, and she braced herself for whatever he might call her, or shot at her.

In actuality, Peter noticed a difference in Emma. Not the way she looked, but her air. He wasn't sure-or at least he hoped he wasn't sure-but there was something so…different, about her.

He eyed Emma suspiciously, but said softly, sincerely "You look great, Emma…" Emma nodded "Thanks." She said, not sure what else to say. _It's only been 3 days,_ she thought puzzled at the seriousness in Peter's voice as he said the comment.

Peter just looked at Emma for a moment. Comparing this Emma, who seems rejuvenated, or at least had some sense of relief on her, the stress reduced in her worried eyes and her smile with a little more meaning than it had had only a few days earlier, to the Emma that he'd broken up with-depressed, lifeless almost, sad and worried and tense and stressed-Peter noted that it wasn't his imagination…there was_ definitely_ a change.

After his eyes flickered angrily for just a second, he asked "Can I…I mean: do you mind if I-I just wanna say something to you?" "No! Of course not, come on in Peter…" Emma said turning to walk in the door, Peter following obediently behind her into the living room shaking nervously as he entered.

_Slight Scene Change: Manny walking down the stairs to She and Emma's room_

At the sight of Emma's worried look and Peter walking carefully behind her, Manny stood up and walked out of the kitchen, her cell phone in hand, not wanting to be anywhere near whatever emotional explosion the 2 of them were about to have.

Manny felt a little sorry for Peter, something that after getting the know the guy a little, she couldn't seem to help. Emma didn't treat him like a boyfriend-not like Sean- and although Peter didn't know this, Manny did. Sometimes, she'd think that Emma had just decided to stop caring altogether and was using Peter just so she'd have a guy. Other times Manny thought that Emma was scared of being hurt again and used her uncharacteristic methods of handling Peter as a way to keep him at arms length.

For some reason or other it never occurred to Manny that Emma was in still love with a completely different person and that she Emma partially semi-resented Peter for not being Sean.

It was a good thing that Manny didn't know this, Emma had long since thought and decided not to tell her. Manny, being the way that she was, would've tried her best to convince Emma to try and steal Sean back from Ellie, something that was a bit too drastic for Emma's particular taste. But as Manny seemed to live by the rule "all's fair in war and love _is_ war" she wouldn't have cared either way.

As Manny walked down the steps the phone rung in her hands and it startled her so much, she almost fell down the stairs. Once she'd calmed her racing heart and was sitting carefully down on the stairs, she quickly glanced at the caller id and smiled. _Craig!_ She thought, and after lauighing giddily to herself and then calming down-just enough so he wouldn't hear the giddiness in her voice-Manny answered the phone, trying to sound as though she hadn't been waiting 2 hours for the call. "Manuela…" she managed to purr smoothly, although she stood up hopping down from the stairs and racing over to her bed.

Craig, who was just doing a routine call and hadn't expected an actual answer sounded shocked and amazed saying "Ma-Manny?" Manny smiled, this time not hiding it from her voice "Yeah, Craig, it's me." "Manny I-I just I, uh…how you been?" Craig stuttered, sounding a little unsure of himself "I'm fine Craig,…How are you!" Manny said, sounding a little too excited "I'm good." Craig said, his confidence level building as he noted the happiness in Manny's voice.

"Listen, Manny, I really wanted to talk to you and I was just wondering if you would mind com-" "I'll be right over!" Manny blurted, then blushed realizing that she was a little too giddy to gain the upper hand the way she wanted. "I mean…like, in a little while." She stated clearing her throat and forcing the happiness out of her voice. "Oh. ok. Good. I'll, uh, I guess I'll see you in a little while…" Craig said his own voice growing uneasy as he finished this sentence, although Manny didn't notice.

As soon as she'd hung up Manny jumped up and down happily clapping her hands. Shethen begun ripping through her clothes looking for something that fit this particular situation.

She finally decided on an outfit and changed from Mopey-Heartbroken-gray-flannel-pajama-pants to Reinstated- knockout-girlfriend-purple mini-dress, with matching heels. She raced towards the steps before remembering suddenly that Emma and Peter were upstairs "talking" and decided, blowing out her breath, that she'd much rather go out the window, then risk walking through a possible hurricane of Emma's emotion…

_Slight Scene Change: Living room of Emma's house_

Emma sat across from her ex, waiting in painful anticipation of whatever he was about to say. The way he was looking at her uneasily alerted her that it was nothing too good.

"Um, Emma?" Peter began, softly rubbing his hands together nervously. He stared across the room at her, what seemed miles of distance in between them. He was more nervous about what she would say to him than what he was about to say to her.

Emma just nodded at Peter, her eyes widening. She felt a little weird, felt like she looked as uncomfortable as she felt. She sat with her hands in her lap, legs crossing and then uncrossing, crossing and then uncrossing and finally just spread widely apart, with her slumping in an unattractive way. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to act. Was awkward sitting and gaping normal post-breakup behavior? She wasn't sure; her only other break-ups Sean, of course, and a jamaican Dj (rebound) named Chris, had been hostile. Neither of those 2 exes had ever attempted to talk to her after their breakups, let alone visit her at 10 in the morning staring at her disturbingly.

Plus, Peter being as hard as hell to read didn't help much either.

Peter was thinking the exact same thing about Emma and finally taking a deep breath he said calmly, "I'm sorry about thursday...I was a jackass." Emma nodded "That's ok. I haven't exactly been the director of the unbitchy express lately." Emma said, with her trademark sarcasm and a tone of understanding.

Peter smiled at this, Emma hadn't been this…Emmalike in a long time. Then remembering that another guy may've have been the unexplained reason for this change in Emma, his smile disintegrated into a nervous, but still hopeful look.

"Well, since we both feel...like that, what do you say we go ahead and just take a break, you know, instead of breaking up?" Emma's eyes widened…wider. For some reason she hadn't expected this, and the mention of being back with Peter left her kind of speechless, "Um, Peter...you uh, you broke up with me…" "I know." Peter said apologetically, "And I'm sorry it's just that when i thought that...you know, that you were trying to leave me for that- that Sean guy, I just...I lost it, you know?" Emma just blinked at Peter. How was she supposed to respond? She wasn't sure but she tried saying slowly. "Peter, I'm not so sure it was a mistake. I mean…maybe it's for the best-" Peters looked around the room angrily, "The best for who exactly?" he said quickly. Emma felt nervous suddenly, she wasn't sure why, if it was because she was thinking of the fact that she'd embraced Sean the previous night, or the fact that once again she was being forced to face the fact that she'd only been using Peter; a fact that she couldn't handle very well.

"The best for..." she paused trying to pull up the most convincing tone and words "both of us." She said after a moment, "I mean, like _you _said," Emma overly emphasized the "you", subconsciously trying to force the blame on Peter for all of this. "…I haven't really been a good girlfriend and all and you're just…you're a really great guy Peter. So, maybe now you can find someone who's good for-" "I already have," Peter said, in a passionately painful tone.

"You, Emma." Emma shook her head wearily, hoping that Peter would just let this go. "Peter, I don't think-" I love you, Emma!" Peter blurted out quickly as though afraid that if he didn't say it at that moment, with that intensity, it would lose all strength. The words caught Emma off-guard and she stopped mid-sentence, breathless.

For a few moments, Peter and Emma both sat staring at one another, waiting for the result of Peter's declaration.

_Scene Change: Outside of Craig's garage room door_

Manny walked slowly towards Craig's door. Once she was right outside of it, she breathed deeply, trying to shake her nerves and calm herself. Manny knew that for all his talents, one thing that Craig was not very good at, was talking and she prepared herself to carry the conversation that, she was sure, would lead them into a stronger and much more stable relationship.

_All I need,_ Manny thought, _is for him to look me in the eyes and tell me he loves m_e.

Thinking of the way she'd acted over the past few days, Manny decided she wouldn't be surprised in the least, if Craig told her she was too jealous, too controlling, and handed her all of her "stuff" the moment she opened the door. Suddenly, going into Craig's house didn't seem so appealing, but Manny calmed her overactive imagination before taking a deep breath and saying calming "You can do this...just as long as he says...Ellie!" Manny gasped out in disbelief as she stared to her left and saw the all too unwelcome friend of Craig's, walking towards her.

Ellie, who had been walking towards Craig's door with her head hanging down as she talked to herself, looked up, as startled as seeing Manny Santos ahead of her as Manny was to see her. After stopping for just a moment, Ellie continued her stride toward the door until she stood face to face with Manny. "Manny." she said with an acknowledging nod, with newly found confidence now that Manny was Craig's ex.

"Wait a minute! What are you doing here?" Manny asked sharply with a tone of exasperated confusion. Ellie responded in an equally-maybe even more-exasperated tone "Wait a minute, Manny! Craig _asked_ me to come. Not that it's any of your business tho' since if I recall a certain phone call, you broke up with him! So I should probably be asking you: What are you doing here?" "Craig asked me here;" Manny said pausing with glee as the words took full effect on Ellie, but she added hatefully

"But, he didn't say _anything_ about you being here." Ellie eye's sparked like flames and she spit back, "He didn't say anything about you being here. If he had, _trust me_, I wouldn't be here." Both girls crossed their arms and stared at one another seemingly daring one another to do or say one more thing. Thankfully, before either could Craig yanked open the door, the sight of the 2 girls burning holes into one another, quickly dissolving his silly hope of a swift reconciliation.

"Manny...Ellie…Come in. Please." he said, immediately realizing what a horrible mistake he'd made in inviting them both unbeknownst to each other. Manny marched in first, eyes locked on Ellie. Ellie walked in after Manny, walking over and sinking down into a chair on the opposite side of the room, staring back at her with disgust.

Manny stood tapping. her purple heel for a moment, before pointing her finger at Ellie viciously. "Craig! What in the hell is _that _girl doing here!" "I...asked her...to come. I-I" Ellie sat up in her seat with a tone of angry retaliation, "This_ girl _has a name, you overdressed skank!" Then snapping her head around towards Craig, who was standing nervously, uncertainly, between the 2 of them, Ellie said angrily, "Manning! Stop stuttering and start explaining,_ before _I get angry!" "Before _you_ get angry!" Manny said, sharply taking a threatening step toward Ellie. Ellie stood up and Craig grabbed Manny quickly, "You guys just-just calm down alright? It's not that serious… really." Ellie sat back down slowly, never taking her hateful glare off of Manny who stepped back to her position, eyes locked on Ellie's, returning the favor.

"Look…I called you both here because Manny," Craig said turning towards Manny with a repentant look, "I know things aren't that great with us right now but...I would never...I wouldn't cheat on you. I swear. I learned my lesson the first time." Although, the choice of words-seeing as how Manny felt she was the "lesson" that Craig was referring to-wasn't the best, Manny's hateful glare melted into a soft and understanding expression, and her thoughts reverted back to the ones she'd had before she'd seen Ellie and cooed softly "Oh, Craig." kissing him gently on the lips.

Craig smiled dopily before turning towards Ellie saying "And El, I wanted you to come so that I could apologize to you for...what Manny thought. I mean, I'm really sorry and I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything. So I just wanted to let you know-once and for all-that I don't look at you _that_ way..." Ellie's face darkened as Craig spoke and disappointed pain surfaced in her eyes. "Craig? You could've just told me that." She said, standing up slowly "I'm sorry El. It's just…well, I've put you through a lot when it comes to Manny and I-" "Yeah, Craig you have!" Ellie snapped, shutting Craig up and causing Manny to get a concerned and almost sympathetic look on her face.

"Ellie?" she began cautiously, "I think what Craig is _trying_ to say is that...he's sorry-No-_I'm_ sorry for accusing you of that and…everything else." Manny paused here and she felt a little emotional as she continued. "It's just that...I know what _I _did when I was in love, and" Craig broke Manny off laughing and ruining Manny's attempt at a sincere-albeit, pretty forced-apology. "Manny! I knew you thought Ellie liked me, but let's not get carried away all right!" He said laughing and then glancing over at Ellie expecting her to join in on his joke; which she didn't.

"Ellie?" Craig said playfully, as he stepped over poking her in the ribs "My girls got quite the imagination, huh?" Ellie's eyes were filled with painful tears as she glanced up at Craig. "Craig, don't, alright?" Craig's laughter was replaced solemnly with a surprised and confused expression. "Ellie? What's wro-" he said putting his hands around her waist in an attempt to force her eyes to look into his. Ellie slapped his hands away from her sides and turned her back to him, trying with all she had left in her to try and hold back the tears, but it was no use. All of this- being alone, then Sean having come back and revealed that his purpose was Emma, Craig having been her best friend and now being so Manny-obsessed that he could barely see past his nose,- it was too much for Ellie, and as she broke down crying she spoke the words that she'd so often said to herself knowing-at least she'd thought-that she'd never repeat them to Craig.

"She's _not_ imagining things Craig...she's right..." Craig stared at Ellie's heaving back and sighed with confusion, "El, you, you like me?" "Love, Craig!" Ellie saids as she turned to face him. "I love you. And I have for the past year and a half. It was Craig's turn to look dumbfounded and Manny found herself holding in a nervous breath. "But-bu-Ellie you," Craig stammered looking around nervously "I mean the other night you were...I mean you were in tears; crying about Sean!" Ellie shook her head with a laugh as painful to hear as it was for her to give, "About _you_, Craig. I haven't cried about Sean in...in months." She finished her sentence quietly and then wiping her eyes with a pained expression. Then added with twisted laughter, "But you?...don't get me started."

Manny stared at Ellie with a wistful look on her face, that Ellie didn't catch being that she was too busy feeling like a complete idiot for stating this painful truth.

Craig looked stunned, big-time, and he spoke in bits and pieces saying..."I just-when did...what am I supposed to..." And finally after this went on for a while he gathered his thoughts, a look of extreme concern on his face and stepping up beside his pained friend, touching her shoulder soothingly, he said, "Ellie how can I-" "You can't, Craig! There's nothing you can do so just...just leave me alone!" Ellie yelled backing slowly away from Craig who looked on bewildered. Manny stood behind Craig biting her lip, apparently waiting for something bad to happen.

As Ellie backed up, her hand traveled up to her neck and she pulled fiercely at the choker that Craig had given her. Finally, she managed to rip it from her neck, just as Craig was saying "Ellie don't! I want you to-" "I don't want it Craig..." she said, calmly now although the tears flowed down her faces still. "Take it..." she glanced at Manny spitefully "Give it to her...flush it down the freaking toilet! I don't care! I don't care anymore, Craig!" Ellie threw the broken choker at Craig's feet and then she looked at him with a look so painful that it hurt_ him_-and even Manny. "I can't…not anymore." Ellie said, twisting the doorknob behind her back, before ripping the door open and racing out.

Manny and Craig both stood in silent anticipation of the next move. Manny closed her eyes and hoped to God that Craig would say something to her- "I love you," "I'll be back," "lemme go check on her and i'll be right back"-Anything that would solidify that his leaving to chase after Ellie, as he was, Manny decided undoubtedly about to do, didn't add up to his choice; didn't add up to his leaving her. _Please say something!… Anything!_, Manny pleaded with her eyes as she opened them catching Craig's concerned stare.

Craig opened his mouth to speak and Manny almost breathed a sigh of relief, but Craig closed his mouth, apparently having no idea what to say, and turned and rushed out the door, yelling "Ellie? Wait!"

Manny eyes glanced around the room and she stood there speechless. Finally, her eyes focused in on the choker that Ellie had thrown at Craig's feet, and she leaned down, picking up a pearl, one of her tears slid gracefully down it's orbed sides.

_Scene Change: Back in Emma's living room..._

Emma stared straight ahead, not looking at Peter or anything else for that matter, only seeing the memories of Sean flashing through her mind. Emma silently recalled every conversation she'd had with Sean; every part of herself that she'd shown him and tried-as she often had before-to remember a moment that he'd said the words "I love you." to her. Of course, she couldn't, because there was no such incident, and this thought caused Emma great pain.

Here was Peter Stone, fun-loving strong-minded bastardly Peter Stone, who hadn't known Emma for more than a year and already he was able to love her. Already he'd fallen for her in a way that Sean had never been able to say or admit or whatever. In a way that Sean had never not in three years ever been able to say to Emma. And -though she didn't think of this-Emma'd never worked up the nerve to say it to him either.

Emma looked at Peter, really looked at him the way she used to when they'd first starting dating and she felt a small pain in her chest. On one hand, she was flattered and amazed how in the world could she, mopey sorry excuse for a girlfriend, -how could she have earned Peter's love? How did she even deserve to be loved?

And on the other hand, She thought about the fact that Peter actually said he loved her. He actually did and she couldn't return his affections. No matter how good she wanted to seem, no matter how much she didn't want to break his heart, this was something that she couldn't just lie about; something she couldn't pull off and she knew this even as she wished for some miraculous way out addressing it.

Peter was still staring at Emma when she tuned back into his face. He was still sitting in front of her with that hopeful expression, waiting patiently for Emma to return his affections or at least acknowledge them. Emma turned her head towards the ground stammering out slowly "Peter...I...Thank you. And I really appreciate everything you've done for me, but I just do-" "You love _him_, right?" Peter said, his voice high and full of angered sadness.

Emma still couldn't say _that_. She didn't want Peter to think that Sean was the reason that she couldn't love him. This, in actuality, he did have nothing to do with, and Emma decided that she wouldn't have him blamed for it. "No, Peter! It's not because of Sean or-or Jay or any other guy. It's because of...It's because of me." Emma said quietly and paused, biting her lip as the words set in for her as well as Peter.

"Because you used me..." Peter said sounding hurt, the rage in his eyes intensifying rapidly "Peter, I didn't. I jus-" "Emma, what is wrong with you!" Peter said jumping up and staring down at Emma angrily. "You're so busy lying to everyone else, even to yourself..." he trailed off shaking his head at her with a disappointed look "Sometimes, I think you're starting to believe the lies yourself." And as he said this Peter turned away from Emma marching toward the door.

"Peter, wait!" Emma called after him determined to convince him that he was wrong; that she hadn't been using him. That somewhere _somewhere_ along the line she'd cared for him, and it hadn't just been about convincing everyone that she was okay enough to have a boyfriend. But as she reached the door, Emma's strong sense of restoring her self-image faded and she realized that Peter was right. She _was_ lying to herself and even forcing herself to believe the lies...

Peter turned towards her with a faint smile as he said, touching her forehead gently "I'm really sorry, Emma. Sorry I wasted your time..." and then his voice turned harsh as he pulled his hand away from Emma's face saying "…And sorry you wasted mine!" and turned away from her stepping out the door and slamming it obnoxiously behind him.

Emma plopped down onto the couch, tears already forming a small pool in her lap. She pulled her legs up onto the couch and held her knees burying her face in them. Just when she'd thought that maybe things could be better, maybe she and Sean had a future apart from this… this _feeling_ that something horribly disastrous was waiting for her to fall for him again...Peter had come along and reminded her that she was not only broken, she was shattered, some of the pieces possibly missing. And Emma doubted as she sobbed into her knees, that even _Sean Cameron_, could fix her this time.


	20. Better Left Unsaid 10a

**_Chapter 10a_**

**_Things Better Left Unsaid..._**

**Sean:**

_**I Am**_

_If I could_

_I'd give her everything_

_I am_

_Let her be everything_

_I am_

_And love her with everything_

_I am_

_Maybe I could try again…_

_I'm really different this time…_

_I am._

**Emma:**

_**Stand**_

_How can I stand_

_Not knowing who'll be there to catch me_

_If I fall again?_

_I can't even stand to admit the truth_

_About him or me or anything_

_I have to take a stand_

_And get through this_

_To prove that this_

_My love for him_

_Is enough_

_For me to stand for_

_But how do I stand up_

_For something I can't even stand to admit?_

**Review anyone who likes this!**


	21. Our Flirtations with Disaster 11

Author's Note:

Hey Guys! So here I am at last! I am soooo sorry that it took forever but here are the next 4 chapters. It took forever and a day I know but sorry, life kinda got in the way! I really am seriously gonna finish now tho' because I have this thing about wanting all of my stories to be done before the season premiere...don't ask.

Anyway tho', I tried to make it all dramalicious and for anyone who's been following the story? This chapter explains the title, so you'll see. I hope you guys think it was worth the wait! I think it's really...well, you'll see! Anyway, gotta love my girls **_Solaris Phoebus _**and **_BabyPrincess56!_** Ya'll keep commenting and keep helping me to write alright!

Much love ya'll! If ya'll like the chapters, please Review!

Here goes...

**_Jazzy-Raveler!_**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, I wouldn't have to wait till tomorrow to watch the Season premiere...tear, Oh, well...**

**Chapter 11 **

**Flirtations with Disaster **

This Monday morning couldn't have come soon enough for Emma Nelson; she was a girl on a mission. After talking to Peter, or more like Peter talking to her, she had decided that it was time for a change. A lesson in self-denial was hard for Emma, but she realized that it was something she had to deal with or she'd be bogged down by all of these...issues, for the rest of her life.

Of course, while doing this Emma also decided to try and forget all about Jay. _I mean, how would Sean really find that out_? She mused, convincing herself that he wouldn't because that was just something Emma couldn't figure out. She hated not knowing what Sean's reaction would be, how bad it would be, how much he would hate her. And so even though she was busy trying to acknowledge her denial, she pushed one more thing, maybe the most important thing, to the back of her mind and decided that Jay Hogart wasn't worth thinking about; subconsciously denying her denial.

But still, In first period, as opposed to paying attention to what the teacher was saying Emma was writing a list Mom, _for being such a bitchy daughter_ Dad, _refer to Mom reason_ Peter, _for..using him_ Manny, _for not being that good of a friend_...Chris, _for dating him even though, I knew I wasn't ready to date_... She twirled the pencil in her fingers for a moment before jotting down the other name quickly... Ellie, _for...for..._Well, she knew she'd owed her something though not sure what.

She was making a list of the people that she had either hurt, denied, or felt the need to apologize too. After assessing it, Emma rewrote the list in order of people most denied, or hurt.

Mom

Dad

Manny

Ellie

Peter

Chris

Since her mom was at work Emma moved to the next person Dad. Snake/Dad/Mr.Simpson her media immersion teacher but she wouldn't have his class until after lunch.

Manny

She rolled her eyes away from the list and they landed on Manny. She was looking a little too…Emma wasn't sure but she knew that Manny was hurt over what had happened with Ellie and Craig. Manny seemed to be convinced that Craig going after Ellie had meant that he was leaving her. Although, Emma had insisted that this probably wasn't the case "You left right after he did. How do you know he didn't come back?" Manny had answered in tears "I just know!" and Emma had left it at that. Now, looking at her friend she could see that Manny was still depressed and looked a little too upset to bother so Emma focused on the next person.

Ellie

Emma knew what time Ellie switched classes and figured that she'd deal with her first ,seeing as how she was at the top of the list when it came to the things that Emma denied. She raised her hand nervously and after getting permission to go to the bathroom, she stepped out into the hallway anxiously.

_Slight Scene change: Ellie's locker..._

The few girls who had seen and heard Ellie and Manny's fight were spreading it through Degrassi like wildfire, and all morning Ellie had been shadowed by hisses of "Boyfriend thief," and "whore," A few girls offered encouraging "Ellie Nash, you rock!" Speaking of the fact that Ellie had stood up to the notoriously hated by Degrassi girls everywhere, Manny Santos. But still, Ellie wasn't able to shake the feeling that everyone here was against her.

Craig had run after her, he'd tried to catch up with her, but somehow, Ellie, stomping the ground fiercely in her boots had outrun him and managed to leap onto the bus as he'd watched it drive slowly away. She hadn't felt like going to school today, but had forced herself out of bed, fearing the state that she'd be reduced to if she stayed home.

Now, Ellie walked down the hall, head down and tears beneath her closed eyelids as she marched drearily towards her locker. She'd already gotten years of glares at it was; now the glares were mean and hateful, as opposed to just disgusted by the "freak" the girls looked at Ellie as an enemy, and Ellie found herself feeling oddly sympathetic towards Manny, wondering how she'd dealt with it for years...

Even though she was talking herself into a delirious state of denial, she wanted so badly for Craig to call her. She wouldn't answer of course, but she wanted to know that he was still there, still trying to do...something. And Ellie opened her locker, reaching for her cell and seeing no new messages placed the phone and her head down in her locker..._I'm soooo stupid,_ she thought, and the tears slid down her cheeks and onto the notebook that she held in her shaking hands pressed against her forehead.

Emma walked toward Ellie's locker. She knew where it was by heart; she'd watched Sean walk over to it...stop by it...get something from it, for what seemed like years although it had only been months. Sure enough, Ellie Nash was standing there head down against it. She looked as though she'd had a pretty crappy night and Emma debated whether or not to go over and talk to her after all. Knowing a Mannified view of everything that had happened the previous day, Emma knew that she might be treading on dangerous water even talking to Ellie. She wondered herself what had happened with her and Craig but she knew better than to ask. Ellie looked so depressing, dressed in all black, black boots, and her makeup seemed a little heavier than usual. Not that Emma had paid much attention to Ellie-or her makeup-since Sean had left, but, still...

Even though she knew it would be…challenging, one thing Emma Nelson never could back down from, was a challenge and she walked over to Ellie's locker, saying "Hey." as she stepped up beside her.

Ellie barely even glanced at Emma, before saying "Can I _help_ you?" with a tone of biting irritation, and a look that Emma could feel burning through her. _She's thinking of Manny_, Emma thought appeasing herself with the thought that the hostility wasn't towards her. "Look Ellie, I wanted to...I wanted to talk to you." Ellie just stared at Emma. She wasn't in the mood for any charity events or Animal rights campaigns or anything of that regular Emma nature.

"Look, Nelson..." Ellie started with her same tone of uninterested disgust, "It's Emma," Emma said, glaring at Ellie angrily for a second before remembering that she'd come here to make peace, not start trouble and she saying coolly "Can't you ever just call anyone by their first name?" Ellie looked at Emma as though she'd just said the most ridiculous thing possible.

After squinting at her for a moment Ellie said shaking her head in aggravation "Look, _what_ do you want?" Emma took a deep breathe, she gripped her purse strap tightly...she wasn't sure how to start but she just said the words as she felt them "You and...Sean. You were good...together, I mean." Ellie blinked at Emma. Ellie wasn't really shocked that she was hearing this...nonsense, as much as she was shocked that Emma was saying it. At the same time, she'd long been over Sean and she couldn't help but be sick at the sound of hearing his name mentioned with hers from someone who knew _nothing_ about their relationship to begin with; the same way Craig always said it.

"Oh-k? Do you_ have_ a point, cuz honestly I can't see where this is going...?" Ellie said, as she pulled a few books out of her locker. "Yeah, I do." Emma paused taking a deep breathe before continuing smoothly "Look, I spoke to Sean and I know you guys talked and all..."

Ellie was looking at Emma with a look of utter disbelief now...

Was she **_really_** having this conversation with her?

"Anyway, Ellie look. I know that me and you don't really have a good relationship-" "Seeing as how to have a good relationship you have to have a _relationship_ to begin with." Ellie broke in sarcastically, and Emma rolled her eyes as she continued. "I _know_ that we don't have...that we aren't really "friends" but, I mean...we both cared about Sean. I did, still, even when you guys were together and I..." Emma paused here as though the words took her strength as she said them "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry..."

Ellie just stared at Emma with a blank look as though she couldn't care less about what Emma was saying. Truthfully, she couldn't. She wasn't sure why Emma suddenly felt the need to apologize-for God knows what-and she wasn't too interested. "Seeing as how I have no idea what you're even talking about, I'm going to say okay and bye; I've got to get to class..." Ellie said, turning and walking swiftly toward the corner that broke off of the hall.

"I was jealous of you!" Emma yelled out and couldn't believe that she'd said it, but once she had it was already said, and besides, this was what she'd wanted to do to start with; except...not exactly with...those...words.

Ellie stopped at Emma's last sentence, flooded with curiosity, something made her turn back around. Maybe it was the fact that she'd been so low and hearing that this girl-the girl that she herself had become viciously jealous, well, resentful of, at at least one point-had actually been jealous of _her_? made her feel-in a weird kind of way-a little better.

She turned around, never allowing the smile that played beneath her lips and said "What?" Emma sighed saying calmly "That day...in Wasaga? When Sean...when he stayed there?. That day? I was _so_ jealous of you, I could've..." Emma looked around as though trying to find something to demonstrate with and instead ended up saying "I was really jealous of you, Ellie." Ellie took a small step back towards Emma, she and Emma were the only two in hallway, and she said, seriously wanting to know..."Why?" "Sean, Ellie. I still...well, I'd never really gotten over him, and I mean he'd just-well, I mean, he saved my life so I guess I was kinda overly in love that day. So, when we were leaving and he he said it to you...I kinda...I really hated you."

Ellie thought back to that day and honestly couldn't remember an entire sentence that Sean had spoken to her. It wasn't that she was still bitter, she didn't have too much time to be bitter, but she did remember and she couldn't fathom what the Hell Emma was talking about. "What? Emma ok, sorry for the poor communication skills, but I'm still not getting what your point-" "He said...I love you," Emma said with unintentional emotion in her voice, and she had look away from Ellie quickly.

Ellie thought on this...had he said that? Yeah, he had. She'd said it first, trying to convince him to come back, and he'd answered "I love you too, but,..." and that was the end of it for her. That "but" was enough for her to know that there wasn't too much more for her to hold on to, if Sean's love for her came with a 'But.'

She said none of this Emma, whom frankly, she thought was being pretty self-righteous. Did she _really_ think that Ellie needed to hear this from _her_?

Ellie shrugged a little "So? He said that to me all the time, didn't make him stay, now did it?" as she said this, Ellie crossed her arms over her book, something she often did subconsciously when she felt the need to protect herself.

Emma's eyes were filling rapidly with tears _Why do I have to be such a crybaby,_ She thought as she pulled them back calming herself a little. "He never said it...to me." She said flatly, eyes closed, purse strap twisting in her fingers. "And I hated you because...well, we're nothing alike and if he loved you, I felt like he'd never ever love me." Emma finished with an eased relieved as she finished speaking the fear that she'd never spoken out loud.

Ellie was looking at Emma a little differently now. Kind of with an interested sort of caution. She still saw no point in Emma apologizing to her for hatred that she'd never even known about, but she also saw that this was a different, kinder-although still weird- side to Emma than she'd expected, and Ellie decided with a slight nod that she didn't mind Emma Nelson-although she barely spent any time even remembering her existence-as much as she thought she did.

"Ok. Thanks...I think," Ellie said with a nod. Emma wasn't sure how she'd come across but she hoped it was sorta what she'd hoped for. All she was trying to do was make amends. Acknowledge things that she had avoided before and Ellie Nash/Sean Cameron, had been one of the hardest things for her to handle; seeing that he could move on, even though she still couldn't.

'I know, it's weird." Emma said regaining her confidence as she walked over toward Ellie "But, well, you were good for Sean. Really good for him. We both know Amy was just-" "A slut," Ellie said along with her, smiling "Right!" Emma said laughing "But you? Well, I finally realized that he could care about someone else, and that hurt. I know that it's a little...out there Ellie, but I spent so much energy hating you, I just _had_ to apologize."

Ellie was smiling now. She still didn't like Emma; that had nothing to do with Sean. Ellie didn't like a lot of girls, but she decided that Emma was pretty brave and pretty decent to feel the need to apologize for this and so she smiled at her saying, "Thanks." and the two of them actually seemed to be smiling at one another both realizing that the other, wasn't _so_ bad.

Next, was Chris, a little less important than Peter but Emma decided that he'd be easier to deal with. So a little before lunchtime, she found him by his locker digging through Cds and some other stuff.

Emma had a mind not to say anything to Chris at all. He'd treated her pretty badly since there break-up, making comments in class about "the jay incident" as Emma had long since nick-named it, and often giving her dirty looks when he saw her. But that wasn't the issue, the issue for Emma was slowly and surely transferring all of her energy away from the people who'd hurt her, the people she'd hurt, and letting herself deal. Things would be a lot easier to handle then and she walked over to Chris with a determined, but still unsure air.

"Chris?" Emma said as she leaned against the locker next to his. Chris looked up from what he was doing. "_Emma Nelson_?" he said with a surprised look, in that heavy jaimacan-which Emma used to think was cute, but now found highly unnerving-accent, "Haven't talked to you in, like,...forever." "It's been a while." Emma nodded thoughtfully "So...how've you been? Since, well..." "Do you mean the shooting? Since Sean left? Or are you talking about the STD? Maybe, Anorexia...?" Emma said bitterly, making Chris feel and look ashamed ."Look Emma, I'm so-" "No, Chris wait," Emma said, stopping him. She hadn't come over here for this and she wouldn't let Chris rob her of her moment.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go all...psycho ex on you, but it's just...it's been a little rough that's all." "Yeah," Chris said with a shrug "I heard..." "I'm sure everyone's heard." Emma said glancing toward some girls who were staring at she and Chris from the other side of the hall. "But, listen, I just I've been thinking about a lot of things, and I-I just wanted _you_ to know...that _I'm_ sorry." Chris shook his head "Emma, you don't have to apologi-" "I know, I don't." Emma said pushing herself off of the locker she'd been leaning against. "But, still, I'm sorry about...breaking up with you like..._that_. I wasn't ready for a relationship and I just had a hard time admitting it. I'm sorry you were the first to find out." Chris smiled, his trademark carefree smile and he nodded.

"It's cool Emma. I'd forgotten all about it. Besides, I should be the one apologizing, I wasn't exactly the best ex-" "You were a Jackass." Emma broke in with a knowing tone "I _was."_ Chris said hanging his down "And I'm sorry." he said sincerely. "Thanks." Emma said with a smile. "So...we're "officially" cool?" "Yeah," Chris said smiling "Cool as ice." "And...no more dirty looks?" Emma added looking at Chris's eyes for assurance. "Em-_ma!_ I said we're coo-" "_No more_ dirty looks?" Emma said again in a way that let Chris know that she needed to hear it. "No Emma." he said shaking his head slowly. No more dirty looks, I promise." He said with a reassuring smile. Emma smiled too, as she stepped over, acknowledging Chris's outstretched arms with a hug.

_Scene change: Toronto National Bank_

Sean walked out of the bank with a yellow envelope in his hands, tapping it lightly against his fingers. He smiled to himself as climbed into his car and thoughts of Emma played over and over in his mind. Although his talk with Emma hadn't had the exact affect that it had had on Emma, Sean had still been happier today than he had been most days since he'd been back. And although he didn't state it out loud,-who could he tell anyway?-Emma, was the reason.

He'd thought long and hard about a way that he and Emma could...well, a way that he could become "friends" with her again; something more actually, but he was too busy trying to figure out where the hell they stood anyway, to get past the friend part.

Sean glanced at his watch and noticing that it would be right about lunch time at Degrassi, he smiled and cranked up his car speeding toward the school, glad to have found an opportunity to visit Emma.

_Scene Change: Manny's Locker_

Manny wasn't too hungry. She'd wanted to stay home today but decided that it wouldn't be too good an idea to miss another day of school. Rumors were around circulating that she and Ellie had fought over Craig, and she slumped down against her locker loathing herself for having been dumb enough to think he'd actually choose her over Ellie, and loathing him for breaking her heart.

She was in no mood for talking and so when her Emma came over saying to her with a smile "Manny, I wanted to talk to-" she cut her off saying quietly "Em, not now ok? I'm not feeling too good." Emma had been about to apologize to Manny about everything the past year and how messed up things had been between them especially recently. But, having been greeted by her tearful friend earlier the previous day, and knowing all too well what heartache felt like, Emma decided that maybe she'd talk to her later. "Ok Manny. Are you...I mean can I do anything?" "Just leave me alone, Em, ok?" Manny said, leaning her head further into her knees. Emma just shook her head, thought, _I hope she'll be alright_ and walked carefully away from her friend, since she wasn't sure what else to do.

_Scene Change: Outside of Degrassi_

On her way down the school steps, Emma received a call from her mom. She asked her to help her later on at some going-away party at the salon that evening at around "8-ish". Emma had gladly said yes, seeing this as the opportunity she needed to speak with her mom and apologize.

Feeling pretty good about her life, once again Emma decided to go for a walk and she strode down the steps. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about Manny and she'd already decided not to talk to Peter until the next day, seeing as how he'd been pretending that she was nonexistent every time he'd seen her.

_Too much to think about_, Emma decided finally and walked down the sidewalk with her face towards the sky, with a partially happy and partially nervous air about her. It wasn't enough that Emma was already scared about what would happen, if anything, with she and Sean, now she was worried about her best friend, and her parents and her ex, and-even for Emma-that was a bit too much to focus on all at once. So, Emma put her mind to work to go completely blank and ignored all else around her.

Emma hadn't gotten far, and her mind hadn't gotten too clear, when she heard a loud car horn honk by the side of her. Emma paused with a puzzling look on her face before she turned around and saw Sean stepping out of his car and sauntering towards her with a silly smile on his face. "Lunch time, a good time for a walk?" he asked "As good a time as any," Emma said and then sighed a little nervously as she remembered she and Sean's "walk" the previous night.

"Well, uh..." Sean began looking back at his car, and then back at Emma hopefully, "You think...I mean, you wanna, ride with me?...instead?" . Emma paused for a moment before answering. The last time she'd avoided Sean it hadn't gone too well and although she'd had a pretty good morning as far as her emotions were going, she still wasn't sure that _anything_ involving Sean Cameron, would be a safe bet.

She finally relented succumbing to Sean's eager blue eyes and her weakness for them. "Ok," she said with a smile and followed him back to his car.

Once they'd both gotten in and buckled up, there it was. The Awkward Moment. It was expected. It was anticipated but, it was still no less awkward.

The strangest thing about their talk the previous night was that although it should have cleared up everything, it cleared up very little for the two of them as far as how their feelings for one another would be taken. Sean was uneasy because he had no idea how Emma felt about him and Emma felt the same; plus, the added uneasiness about Sean finding out about "The Jay Incident".

The 2 of them were silent at first. After having had miniature meltdowns the previous night it was kinda hard for them to just go back to the way things were...-weren't...? wshatever!- and pretend that nothing had happened. The funny thing-or maybe the sad thing-about it was, that during their rocky relationship, Sean and Emma had gotten so good at this let's-just-avoid-what-we're-really-feeling thing, that the silence? At least _this expected_ silence, didn't really bother either 1 of them.

Emma had a lot on her mind. She felt so close to Sean now, but still-thanks to talking to Peter and being forced to confront the fact that she was in denial of her denial about her feelings for Sean, _and_ thinking about what happened with Jay?-so far away...

Sean felt the same, but, for different reasons of course...Sean had always felt that Emma was so close to him, that somehow he'd damage her just by being close to her. After everything she'd told him about, he felt that his theory was proven, and now, he searched his mind and heart for a way to make things better.

"So..." Sean said finally as he glided up to the street "What have...what have you been up to?" This seemed like such an out-of-place statement; something a guy who hadn't just spent the night hugging his sobbing ex would say, but nonetheless, it was the only thing that Sean could think of saying that didn't have some kind of emotional backlash attached to it.

Since Emma also had no desire for an emotional breakdown right about now, she actually appreciated Sean's sorry attempt at breaking the silence and said "Just been, you know, keeping busy." "How's the environmental club going?" Sean asked, interestedly. He'd never forgotten Emma's passions and he was subconsciously trying to let her to know it.

"It's going..." Emma said smiling "It's good. For a while, I hadn't been too into it, I kinda...took a break I guess. But lately, I don't know. I've just been...tryna...keep busy." "Same old Emma," Sean said with a laugh "Always out to save the world, right?" "Maybe not the whole world;" Emma said with a small laugh "Maybe just Toronto...for now."

_And myself_, she thought painfully.

There was another awkward pause before Emma stated "What about you Sean? What have _you_ been up to? I mean, this car for instance. It's looks _really_ nice..."

"Well," Sean said, "I had a lot of time on my hands in Wasaga, you know? Especially in the summer, so I'd fix cars. First, just my dad's drinking buddies; didn't pay too good , but, money was still money."

"Still though, after a few paint jobs, and a couple of fixed fender benders, word got around, you know? And next thing I knew, I was up to my elbows in cars, and money, and I bought this piece of junk off of one of the customers. It's ok, I guess and it only cost 350."

"Wow! _Sean Cameron_...Entrepreneur." Emma said with a laugh, spreading out her hands demonstratively in the air as she said the word "Entrepreneur" "I know," Sean said smiling, "Who would've thought, right...?" he said shaking his head as he turned the car on some corner or other. "I would've." Emma said seriously, unknowingly triggering another awkward silence.

"I always...I mean I'm not surprised is all." Emma stuttered and Sean smiled. Looking at her out of the corner of his eye he thought, _I love her_.

"Thanks Emma" he said heartfelt and then he ventured toward an emotional statement saying "That really helped me out in Wasaga, you know? Knowing that someone back here might actually think I was still worth something?" Emma blushed, she hadn't intended her words to have this affect, or maybe she just didn't want them to, either way, she nodded saying coolly "Sean, you don't have to thank me. What are _friends_ for?"

Sean ignored Emma's last 3 words and the emphasize she'd put on "friends" and went on, "It's just I - well, I thought about us a lot in Wasaga." "So did I..." Emma said forgetting to pretend she didn't care about Sean like "that".

Sean had circled Degrassi and was now parked in a space in front of the school. He turned to look at Emma saying "Emma? I just gotta tell ya' you really saved my ass in school, ya know? If it weren't for you, I'd probably- I mean I know I'd have failed, So, thanks...for that..."

Seans eyes were filling with tears and Emma turned away from him staring out her window "You helped me too, Sean." Emma said quietly, not daring to look at Sean's face. "I mean, you were one of my _best_ friends. And, besides, I mean you bring back a lot of memories for me, Sean. A lot of _good_ memories. First...boyfriend, first...kiss, first date?

Sean's eyes were dry again now and he laughed to himself as he thought about it "I guess so..."

"They aren't exactly "Kodak" moments though...""Sean! How can you say that?" Emma said, turning and facing him now and glad to have a light-hearted topic to discuss. "That kiss was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me." Sean stared at her raising his eyebrows with a teasing smile spreading across his lips "At...at the time, anyways." Emma said, blushing and hating herself for making such an atrociously embarrassing statement.

Sean just shrugged "Maybe. But I was thinking more along the lines our first date?" "Oh My God!" Emma said with a laugh "That was _the_ _worst _first date ever, in the history of first dates. I mean, I still can not believe how _dopey_ I was!" "Yeah," Sean said laughing and then mocking a 12 year old Emma's voice saying "Verbal diarrhea!" "Life shattering! But bird diarrhea...?" Emma said thinking of the memory of the bird that had crapped on her jacket, when she and Sean were just a few steps away from the door.

"Don't remind me." Sean groaned, leaning his head back against his seat "I know! But that was_ really_ sweet of you, you know? Waiting for me to change." "No biggie," Sean said shrugging "Besides, you bought me dinner, remember?" Sean said with a smile "Well, that was the _least_ I could do." "No," Sean said smiling, menacingly "The least you could do was to wipe that glob of ketchup off your chin!" "Ah!" Emma said wide eyed at Sean's laughing face "_You_ should talk! I almost lost my lunch thanks to your vivid description of murdered cows! Yeck!"

"Ok," Sean said his laughter dying down "Ok, that's true, but what about this? "_I lost my wallet Sean, can you please please root the garbage, messing up your favorite jacket to get it?"_ "That's so, not fair!" Emma said in a whiny voice whencing at the embarrassing memory. "I was _mort_-_ti_-**_fied_** when I realized I'd had it in my jacket pocket the whole time." "I figured _that_ out; you sure took off running fast enough." Emma shrugged and said, not really thinking about it "Well, not sure if you got the memo Sean, but back then I was crushing pretty hard on you; you sorta did that to me." Sean smiled and Emma could've died having said that.

"I know, I mean, I'd thought you were but after trying to break my bones in dodgeball..." "Ok Sean," Emma said smiling again at the now comical recollection, "I shouldn't have, I admit, but the way you asked me out? "It's _Friday!"?_ _absolutely_ nerve-wrecking!" Sean laughed and nodded "Alright, alright but what can I say? I mean I was nervous; back then you did _that_ to me too Em."

Again with the silence and the 2…friends? _Yes, friends,_ Emma had decided with a nod, both of them tried to fill their minds with things besides the emotional mess that surrounded them.

"So….Do you wanna go-somewhere? Eat…lunch?" Sean said shaking himself from the depressing thoughts that reminiscing he and Emma's better days had suddenly brought him too. Emma shook her head "For 1, lunch time is pretty much over, but besides that I'm not really hungry." "Good," Sean said sounding relieved "Neither am I."

The uneasy transition from topic to topic found them once again and Sean and Emma sat silently again, waiting for another strand of inspiring conversation to reach the two of them.

One of the reasons that it was so hard for Sean Cameron and Emma Nelson to just talk-aside from the _obvious_ hidden feelings-was that the two of them? They had never been _just_ friends. The closest they'd come had been a short while before they'd started dating and even then the-well, we'll just call it "crushual"-tension between the two had been liable to erupt at any given moment so it was kinda hard for them to _just_ be friends.

Other than that, Sean and Emma had either been knee-deep in their relationship with each other, or avoiding one another completely, pretend-hatred in steady supply.

Another reason that it was so painfully difficult for the 2 of them to just interact was because even though they'd "known"-as in been around each other, at least-each other for about 4 yrs, the 2 years that they hadn't been together had formed a large gap in-between their good intentions and their unspoken feelings, and to no definite extent, Sean and Emma felt almost like complete strangers, grasping at the hope that that same passionately intense feeling-love-that same feeling that may've died down a little but never completely disappeared, was still there or even had been there to begin with, patiently waiting for a chance to be released.

In his mind, Sean had been working up the nerve to ask Emma a question; when he'd finally worked up the nerve to and had opened his mouth to speak Emma cut him off saying "Sean…? Ellie? You said you spoke to her before, right…?" "Yeah, uh, yesterday…" he said looking at her seriously, wondering what Emma was thinking "What about her?" "I was just wondering…" Emma began timidly "I mean, she's sorta going through it-she's got this thing for Craig and all and Manny and her-it's like, Drama Central, you don't even wanna know." "Thanks for catching that." "Anyway," Emma said rolling her eyes at Sean, before her serious look returned, "I'm not really sure but were you…planning on…?" "Yeah, I was gonna go see her again. Tryta make things a little better between us." Emma smiled glad that Sean had understood her meaning before she had to say it.

"Oh, ok," Emma said and Sean stared at her for a moment then shrugged a little uneasily "I hope you guys know that I feel like shit for leaving." He said with restrained pain. "And Ellie? I mean, I really did care about her." "I know Sean," Emma said, "But, leaving? It was just…it was something you _had_ to do…for you." Emma said, speaking the same words she'd used to drug herself with daily over the past year but this time was the 1st time that she actually felt they were true. "And I think…I think…Ellie will understand she said with a smile.

Sean smiled at her but his eyes were focused on her eyes?...Nose?...Smile…? Lips. His eyes were focused on her lips and before either of them gave in to that unbelievably desperate urge to kiss, Emma managed to turn away, staring disdainfully into the windshield.

Sean stared at Emma's blonde heard and sighed. He was working hard to try and control his urge to kiss her. Now that he was _speaking_ to Emma? Whom he thought might be a completely different person by now, he could feel and see that she was the same, understanding what he felt about Ellie, telling him what he wanted so badly to be true and doing it effortlessly.

To Sean, Emma was the same angel she'd been since the last time he'd seen her, driving away with that wistful look in her eyes as he stood there crying.

Sean turned back towards the steering wheel and calmly remembered what they'd been talking about.

"So," he said clearing his throat a little, "I was thinking of uh, getting her something; Ellie I mean." Emma nodded, "That's sweet, Sean." Emma said softly although she felt like crying and had to blink rapidly before turning to face him again. Why did it always have to be so hard to talk to Sean without crying?

Refusing to acknowledge or even think about the reason, Emma turned back towards Sean asking, "What were you thinking?" Sean shook his head with a confused sigh "I don't know…I mean when we were going out she liked uh,…." And Sean said blinking, almost as though there was nothing more to Ellie, "black."

Emma laughed "Sean? I don't know Ellie that well, but I'm pretty sure she'll want something a little more…" Emma paused here before realizing that she had no choice but to finish her sentence the same way Sean had. "….black, I guess." Sean grinned at her and they both laughed a little.

"But, what?" Sean said, looking a little too baffle Emma thought and she could tell that he wanted this gift to mean a lot. _Not too much_ she hoped but said "Sean? if you wanna make a girl…-I mean, if you wanna make things _right_, with her, you get her jewelry." Sean nodded and a smile eased onto his face at the memory of how happy Ellie had been when he'd gotten her an ebony bracelet-at least, that's what Jay's girlfriend Alex had claimed it was-for her birthday.

"Ok," Sean said nodding at Emma "A black bracelet." Emma stared at Sean with a blank expression confusing him "What! "A _black_ bracelet?" she said as though this were absolutely ridiculous. "What, then…? A black…necklace?" Emma smiled at Seans-_Cute_-baffled expression, and after staring at up at the roof of the car thoughtfully she said, slowly "Green." remembering Ellie's striking Eye color. "A green jewelry set." "A jewelry _set_?" Sean said looking even more confused "Where would I get one of those?" Emma gave Sean another blank look but just sighed as she shook her head, "The _mall_ Sean."

"Ok," Sean said leaning his head back against the seat "But, if she doesn't like it, I'm telling her that it was _your_ idea!" "I don't care." Emma said, smiling as she recalled her earlier conversation with Ellie and the thought that Ellie wasn't so bad and she hoped that Ellie would forgive her beloved Sean.

Sean noticed the odd expression in Emma's face and said curiously "Are you two friends now or something?" "Hmmm? Oh or something, I just-we talked earlier." Emma said studying the glove box, so as not to reveal in her eyes that Sean had been the topic of their conversation.

"Oh…" Sean said noticing that air of don't-even-go-there, on Emma's face. Then, with a hint of shame in his voice, Sean asked quietly "Do you know if she uh, if she still lives… where she lived?" The shame was for leaving Ellie with rent that she couldn't handle and Emma knew and noted this but ignored it saying with another thoughtful look "Yeah, I think so," as she remembered the many times that she and Manny had driven past Ellie's apartment and Manny had stared in that direction angrily. "Well, I guess I'll go see her then, tomorrow, I mean, after I get…the thing."

Emma just nodded and her eyes landed on the watch on Sean's arm "Oh! Sean? Lunch is over in like five minutes. I guess I gotta head back." She said, turning towards the car door about to let herself out "Thanks for the ride Sean, it was good talking to you." And then she said deciding that it was ok to bring up since she was about to leave "And uh, thanks for last night too."

"Wait! Emma," Sean said having worked back up the nerve to say what he'd been going to when Emma interrupted him to ask about Ellie. Emma turned towards him not sure what to expect seeing Sean's serious expressed. But she breathed a sigh of relief as his look of seriousness faded into an easy smile "_What_ Sean?" She asked with playful annoyance. "Uh," Sean said "So…It's uh, Monday." Emma just stared at Sean bewildered "Yeah, Sean…I noticed." She stated slowly and sarcastically. "Um, do you…do you have any plans?" Sean questioned shaking his head as he spoke with what seemed to be nervous earnest. Although his eyes sparkled with a cool confidence.

Emma paused dumbfounded, and then all at once she realized what he was doing. He was reacting the way he'd asked her out on their first date and she wasn't sure if he was serious or joking but she said slowly, "You wanna go out…? Like on a date?" she wanted so badly for him to say yes, but she also wanted him to say no, if that was possible. It wasn't like she had a boyfriend anymore…but then again, she wasn't sure if she could deal with going out with Sean.

Sean's confidence fell as he said realizing the worried look on Emma's face. "Uh, yeah, but just as a joke you know? Since our _first_ first date sucked so bad, maybe we could go on another?" Emma's easy smile returned as she said matter-of-factly "Sean? You can only have a first date once; you know, like, the _first_ time?" Sean's facial expression changed to a pained discomfort as he said matter-of-factly "Not really, not if you…if you don't know each other anymore." And his words caused them both sharp pains in their chests as they were spoken.

Emma was lost. She wanted so badly to say yes, but at this moment her mind chose to recollect Peter…his words, the effect they'd had and she said, once again denying her denial of her denial and throwing up the only shield she could think of against Sean "I-I have a boyfriend, Sean." She lied, and Sean whenced hearing the words as though they'd staked him through the heart "Oh. I think you…yeah, you said that the other night." Sean said recalling her words **_"A boyfriend who doesn't even know me!"_** maybe tht phrase was part of the reason he thought he'd be okay to ask, but now he silently admonished himself inside for daring to ask the dumb question to begin with.

"Never mind, I mean, I shouldna asked, it was just a joke." He said his face changing to a painfully disappointed smile. Inside Sean was forcing down his anger and sadness, saving it to be realized in some dark lonely part of his night.

Emma almost broke down again. She would've given anything to have the courage to just…just tell him the God-Damn truth. She hated herself for wimping out after she'd been so self-assured, so empowered earlier, _dealing_ with everything, the way like she used to.

Combining this with the fact that she didn't wanna hurt Sean, Emma managed to stammer out "No, Sean, I mean that's not what I mean. I think it's sweet; going on a second first date." She said faking stability at the thought of going out with Sean again. Sean managed a half-hearted smile which died down quickly "But what about your…?" "We sorta, well, we're kinda broken up?" "'Sorta'?" "We're broken up.' Emma said nodding decidedly.

"O,h" Sean said staring down at the steering wheel "Are you…are you ok?" "Me?" Emma said forgetting to fake sadness, "I'm fine." "Yeah?" Sean said a little of his earlier confidence returning. If Emma had broken up with the guy, well that would speak volumes about…them and he waited breathlessly for her to say it.

Instead, Emma just stared off ahead of her saying in an eerily breathless voice, the voice that she planned to use whenever any asked her about what had happened with Peter "We were never really…_right_ for each other, anyway." And somewhere in this sentence, whether it was a quick look in her eyes, or a twitch in her lips, Sean found what he needed to help himself get through the rest of his day. What he'd come here to get, what he'd prayed for; hope.

"So…" Sean said testing his luck "Does that mean you're…free tonight?" "I guess I-" Emma started, before stopping midsentence with a gasp "Oh my God, Sean! I totally forgot, The dance!" "Dance?" Sean said, puzzled "Yeah, I _totally_ forgot! it's tonight. It's the back-to-school dance. I was supposed to be helping. I was on the dance committee with Manny and P-" Emma stopped looking into Sean's anxious eyes "Well…I was supposed to be helping." She finished quietly. Sean's face lit up "_Supposed_ to be? Meaning blowing it off to go ou-…hang out with me?" he said.

Emma shook her head and Sean's confidence dropped a little, "No," then she added quickly, "I mean, I would, but my mom called earlier. They're having a going-away party at the salon and a few of her coworkers are gonna be no-shows. She asked me to stop by and help." "Oh," Sean said this time forgetting to hide his disappointment with macho bravado, and ending up looking like a wounded puppy.

"But," Emma said tapping his shoulder-before removing it quickly when the "it"-feeling surged through her fingers, again- "Any other day this week? I'm yours." Emma hadn't meant for it to come out this way and she blushed stammering "I-I mean…"

"Friday," Sean said, fully aware that he was stopping her from correcting her statement. "Ok," Emma said smiling "it's a date." "A _first_ date," Sean added looking uncommonly goofy "Right. A first date, Friday." Emma said and she opened the car door stepping out into the sun finally; late for class but feeling too light to care…

Sean drove away, smiling, and feeling the same.

_Scene change: Media Immersion class _

Emma slid into her seat and glanced over at Manny. She looked happier, was talking to Toby about something with a smile and so Emma Imed her, not really considering the fact that her news would only hurt Manny; too overwhelmed by her own happiness to really think about it.

Emma: _Manuela, what's up?_

Manny: _Um, nothing much, you? _

Emma: _You'll never guess who I just spent lunch with!_

Manny: _Peter? Jay?'_

Emma :( Ppluh-lease! Guess again!"

Manny:…_I don't know…Sean, maybe?_

Emma: _Yes! and you'll never believe what happened…_

Manny: Y_ou guys ate…?_

Emma: _Talked and he asked me out…_

Manny: _He did?_

Emma: _Yes! it was sooooo cute! he was like "It's Monday"! and he did the whole little first date convo again and he asked me to go out with him tonight _

She was about to tell Manny that she'd told him no, that she had to go help her mom instead, but before Emma could get any further, Snake leaned over Emma's shoulder "Interesting." He said staring at the screen and Emma jumped a little before sending the unfinished message and then quickly closing the small window. "Sorry…" She said with a smile. Snake noticed that her smile actually looked real, relaxed, and calm and he smiled himself. "It's ok…" he said "But let's get back to work, ok…?"

After about 30 minutes, Manny stood up and walked over to Emma, "Em, I'm going ok?" "Going?" Emma said puzzled "Why…?" Manny rolled her eyes "I have an audition today, remember? That new movie 2 girls and a guy, I'm auditioning for it? Em, I practically talked you to death about it, Sunday." "Oh, oh yeah…" Emma said, not really remembering but saying, "Ok."

Manny gave Emma a disgusted look which Emma didn't notice before turning to walk away. "Manny, wait," Emma said calling her back before she could leave. Manny turned towards her "Look, were you still planning on going to the dance tonight…? I mean, you were in charge of decorations and all…" Manny's eyes rolled around a little as she thought about it. She would much rather go to the dance then sit home and sob about Craig. Besides, she thought, she'd probably feel much better after having had her audition.

"Yeah, I guess so." She said finally "Why..?" Emma turned digging in her bag "I'm not going, I mean obviously, right?" She said with a smile and forgetting that she hadn't told Manny about going to help out at the salon. "But, can you give this to Liberty? It's a list of the people I talked to about, the music, the food, the balloons; you know? Just in case anything goes wrong."

Manny looked at Emma, her bright smile, her sheer happiness at the thought of dating Sean again. **_Her_** _love_, Manny thought and then she shook herself away from the depressingly jealous thoughts, saying with a faked smile "Like, anything really could go wrong with you on the case." And took the note walking out the classroom to get her note.

_Scene Change: Around 8 o clock Emma's House _

Manny lay on the couch in the darkened house, all alone. She'd gotten back shortly after her audition-which didn't go well-and she was slowly and surely churning with bitter hatred towards all mankind.

Snake was out with friends and Spike had taken Jack with her to the salon. Emma was… _Out on her date with Sean_, Manny figured, since that was all Emma had told her about. Slowly and surely the anger and jealousy began to bubble up inside of Manny. Craig had gone after Ellie, and now she was all alone. He hadn't called her all day and she felt so betrayed. Manny already couldn't believe that Emma would write her about a date with her, Manny had realized, true love, while she was left alone mourning the loss of hers to that..._ red-headed bitch, _And now, she was taking every ounce of hatred that she had left out on that _Blonde-headed bitch, _as well.

Manny turned over on her side and faced the couch pillows. She debated suffocating herself with them, although it was only a passing thought since she didn't really have the strength to kill herself. Manny Santos had been through break-ups before and even though they'd hurt this one was especially painful, because this was the first time she hadn't been the one to break it off with the guy.

The tears were just beginning to soak the sofa when Manny's thoughts were interrupted by the very unwelcome sound of the doorbell. Manny rolled over and stared in the direction of the door. Even though she didn't feel like answering it, it was a welcome departure from the thoughts that had been on her mind, and so she got up wiping her eyes with her hands and walked up to the door.

After pausing for a moment and drawing in a quick breath Manny opened the door and stared at the back that was turning to walk away. "Hey!" Manny said and the back turned around revealing Peter with a box in his hands. "Hi Manny," Peter said in tired voice. "I was about to go, I figured noone was home." "I'm here." Manny said faking a smile and then looking at the box in Peter's hands she said, "What is _that_?" "Oh," Peter said looking down at the box as though he'd forgotten he was holding it. "It's…Emma's stuff. I was gonna call, but I was walking by here anyway and so I figured I'd just drop it off instead."

Manny just shook her head at the forlorn looking boy. He _obviously_ hadn't been "walking by here", she decided, feeling sorry for him wanting to see Emma, and then asked "Um, did Emma know? That you were bringing it by?" "I don't know…I, I guess." Manny stepped aside and Peter walked in "Hold on." Manny said taking the box and leaving Peter in the living room "I'm gonna go see if she maybe has your…stuff, in a box or something."

Walking down the steps Manny placed the box next to her bed and then turned to see if Emma had anything in a box. She didn't, and being that Manny had no idea where all of Peter's stuff was, and she felt particularly reluctant to look in Emma's drawers fearing that she might find anything to make her even more jealous or angry at Emma, she simply walked back up the stairs to tell Peter.

Peter was standing and staring at the couch when Manny came back and she flicked on the lights as she walked in. "I didn't see anything…" she began and then stopped when she noticed the weird look that Peter was giving her. "What…?" she asked crossing her arms; she was in no mood for Peter's wry comments or remarks. "Have you…have you been crying?" Peter asked her slowly and Manny just stared at him as though she had no idea what he was talking about. "No," Manny said shaking her head quickly "No, I-I haven't." Peter smiled, "You know, for an actress, you sure have a lot of trouble lying." He said and he stepped towards her moving his hand up toward her cheek. Manny stepped back before he could touch her and smoothed her hand down her own cheek, then glanced at her mascara covered fingers and felt very stupid.

"I guess the mascara told on me, huh?" She said quietly "Not exactly," Peter said pointing to the couch "When I sat down I figured you musta either peed on it, or been crying. I wasn't sure which, but I liked to think you'd been crying." Peter said shrugging. Manny smiled at the comment only for a second before her eyes filled with tears remembering _why_ she'd been crying and for how long.

Manny sat down on the couch and put her hands over her face shaking her head and saying "I messed up, Peter." Peter sat down next to her, rubbing her shoulders "It's okay Manny, I'm sure it'll be." "No it won't." "Yes it will," "_Shut-up _Peter! _You_ don't know!" She said finally and pushed his hands off of her.

Manny stood up ashamed that she'd been crying and taking her anger out on Peter, "I couldn't find your stuff; I'm sure Emma will give it to you later." Peter stood up too and this time his eyes started to fill with tears. Manny felt herself breaking and she was sorry to have gone off on him knowing that he was currently broken-hearted too. "I'm sorry Peter." "No, it's cool." Peter said straightening himself up a little and forcing the tears back into his eyes. "It's just tonight is the…the school dance and me and Emma were supposed to be going together. It was gonna be our "first official" dance together." Manny sighed at Peter's words "Oh," "Yeah, I was just thinking about it. I mean, that she probably went there, with…him." Peter said.

For a second, Manny was confused. Emma hadn't told her that Peter thought that she was breaking up with him for Sean, so Manny had just assumed that he'd gotten tired of her depressing attitude or something like that.

"With who?" Manny asked, "With Sean? The Holier than All Ex?" Slowly it registered and Manny shook her head a little "Oh…I mean, I don't think they went to the dance Peter." She said, before realizing the affect that her words would have on him. "What do you mean?"

Manny spoke slowly now and glanced around the floor. She knew that Emma "moving on" so quickly would hurt Peter, and she hadn't meant to say it that way, but she also knew she was missing something, and wanted to find out what. "I-I mean, Emma did say that they were going out, just-not to the dance…" Peter's face slowly changed from hurt to downright depressed and he dropped to the couch saying painfully "I knew it."

Manny was still confused and she sat down next to him, "Knew _what_ Peter?" "I knew that she was breaking up with _me_ to be with _him_. She lied and said she wasn't, and I guess I wanted to believe her but now…I know." A few tears rolled down Peter's cheeks although his face remained unmoved and Manny leaned onto his shoulder rubbing his arm. "I'm sorry, Peter." Manny said soothingly "I didn't…I didn't know." Manny's own eyes filled with tears as she began to remember everything about Emma and Sean that she was jealous of. And everything about Craig that she could never again touch.

Peter slowly turned towards Manny and their lips met as they both found comfort in the other's kiss before realizing what was happening. "Peter! Stop…!" Manny said pushing away from him "Stop! You kissed me." Peter said looking slightly offended. And then after staring down at Manny's hands which were pushed against his chest, he pushed them off of him.

Manny's cheeks began to burn as she stared shamefully in front of her, though she wasn't sure why. She and Craig were broken up so why should she feel bad about hooking up with Peter? _He's Emma boyfrien_- she thought, before reasoning that No, Peter wasn't Emma's boyfriend. Emma was in love with Sean and Emma was with Sean right now, and Craig was with Ellie, while Manny was sitting here all alone and in pain.

Turning to face Peter again her eyes full of anger Manny kissed him again full on the lips and this time she pulled him back on top of her whispering in his ear "Do you have, anything?" meaning, of course, did he have any condoms.

As soon as Manny had said it she realized that this wasn't something she wanted to do. This was the reason that she felt so down on herself as it was, always using sex to cover pain. Always using it to control Craig and it hadn't worked and now here she was again, letting her emotions take control of her, jealous of Emma and Sean and angry as hell at Craig.

Just as Manny was about to push Peter off of her saying "No, I can't!" She noticed a look of surprise on Peter's face as he stared ahead of him in the direction of the door. Manny tilted her own head back and she saw Craig standing there, watching her…

Manny pushed Peter off of her and jumped up rushing towards Craig's side, "Craig! What are you-" "I was coming to see you," Craig said listlessly, his eyes never moving off of Peter "I was busy with the…with the record company all day trying to buy some more time to spend with you." As Craig spoke, Manny suddenly-why hadn't she thought of that earlier!-remembered that Craig was _supposed_ to be going back to Vancouver today, something she'd absolutely forgotten in the midst of her jealous anger.

"And that's why you didn't…call me?" Manny said, the realization seeping into her like slow and painful poison, and tears rushed to her eyes as she stepped towards Craig saying "Craig? I thought you-I mean-I can explain." But Craig was shaking his head, tears rushing to his wide brown eyes…"Don't even bother, Manny." He said, his mouth gaping continuously even after he finished the sentence, something that his mouth always did when he was trying to hold back emotions from his voice.

As he spoke he backed away to the opened door and Manny didn't have the heart to take any more steps knowing that Craig would never forgive her. "Don't even _bother_!" Craig said and he rushed out the door leaving Manny to fall to the floor crying.

"Manny…?" Peter said walking over to Manny's side and kneeling beside her "I think you should leave, Peter." Manny said calmly "Manny, just…" "Leave!" Manny screamed at Peter, and Peter stood up looking really messed up, and walked out the door.

_Scene Change: The Salon _

Emma sat in the corner of her mother's salon with Jack in her lap and a wide smile on her face. Everything, well, not everything, but a lot of things had gone well for her today. She'd finally spoken to Ellie and Chris and she was scheduled to hang out with Sean on Friday.

She'd apologized to her dad after school and apologized to her mother for all of her snappy and cold behavior and even told her about her date with Sean on the drive over to the salon. Her mother had literally broken down in tears and they'd hugged for about 2 minutes as her mother had said "I just wanted you to be ok," over and over in Emma's ear "I am, Mom." Emma'd said softly, tears surfacing in her own eyes at the thought of how much pain she'd put her mother through with her distant demeanor.

But now, all was right with the world and Emma watched her mother talking happily to her coworkers, looking at Emma and beaming every now and then and Emma beamed back at her.

Frankly, this was Emma's best day in a long while and she savored it, throwing every bit of happiness that she could muster into her smile and laugh as she watched the ladies dancing around and singing with one another.

For a moment, Emma's smile disappeared as she thought about the fact that she still hadn't apologized to the two people she'd probably hurt the most: Manny and Peter. But, her smile returned as she kissed Jack on the cheek and thought_, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to them, tomorrow, I swear._


	22. Our Flirtations 11a

**_Chapter 11a _**

**_Flirtations with Disaster… _**

**Sean: **

There's Hope:

Somewhere in her eyes I could see it

Hope

Somewhere between me her and all the crap we're too full of it to admit

There's hope

Somewhere from here to the back of Degrassi

Theres hope

Just like always she's making me believe

Theres hope

**Emma: **

_Be okay _

I smiled today

Maybe things are gonna be okay

I felt like…

Happy

Things could possibly be ok.

I admitted that I _have _done some things wrong…

And I still felt fine

I might just be ok

I saw him and my heart felt so good

And even though I'm not sure if I'm ready for him yet

Maybe, just maybe, _me?_

I'll be ok.

**Review Everyone!**


	23. Loss of Control 12

**Chapter 12 **

**Loss of Control **

The phone rung…and rung…and rung. And Ellie lay there…and lay there…and lay there some more, not wanting to speak to anyone. Not Ashley, not her Mom, not Marco, not Jimmy, and especially_ not_ Craig.

Ellie'd had a horrible day Monday, rounding up all of the looks and stares she'd received and adding them to the fact that Craig hadn't called her once. Plus, Emma talking to her about Sean which wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't caused her to relive that horrible day in her mind. The day when Sean had said that phrase that was now a overly recognized form of destruction to Ellie's very existence; _"I love you too, but..." _

Ellie had heard this from almost _every_ male that had ever been important to her... Her first serious crush-and if you wanna count it, boyfriend-Marco when they'd had discussions about his being gay, Her father when he was shipping off to go to war again, leaving her to take care of her drunken mother and be alone and afraid of the world. From Sean, who had, after all, been her first _real_ boyfriend, and now she'd be hearing it from Craig for sure, she thought. This wasn't a chance she was willing to take.

So, when she'd flopped into her bed with a sigh of relief, the previous day she hadn't budged since and now she was staring at the clock which read 9:08, taunting her and reminding her to go to school.

Ellie told herself as she lay there crying over and over, that Craig wasn't worth it...not the tears...and definitely not..._that._ Ellie thought, as she glanced over at the bottom drawer of her Oakwood dresser.

In the drawer was Ellie's CD case...in the Cd case was...

Ellie had promised herself, and her therapist, that she'd throw them away. She hadn't used them for months now and she'd thought she had this beat, she really did. She'd had school, student welfare, her friends Marco, Jimmy, Ashley during the summer, and...Craig.

Ellie had been happy for the first time in a long time; she'd been in control. But now, laying here crying, Ellie realized that she was right back to square one. Ashley was gone, Jimmy was busy...at least, she hadn't talked to him in forever, Marco was too busy with his boyfriend to have too much time for her. Craig? Well, he'd pretty much been her stronghold. As out of reach as he was, he'd still been one of her main sources of strength. Through his own instability Craig had unknowingly given Ellie an out; someone else's problem to deal with equaled not having to deal with her own, some of which had to do with him. Even though they weren't dating, in their relationship Ellie was most definitely the one in control; or so she'd thought. But now, Ellie realized that Craig had slowly drug that control away from her and now she needed it back.

Even as she thought n, gasping painfully at the very thought entering her mind, Ellie could practically feel her hands reaching in the drawer, opening the case, and smoothing over the razors; the razor gliding sadistically across her skin…

_Scene Change: Degrassi High Hallway _

"Manny!" Emma said as she caught up to her best friend who had bounded up the steps and was now marching rapidly toward her class. Manny stopped turning and staring at Emma. "_Manny?_ I _need_-to _talk_-to _you_." Emma said, putting her hand on her friend's shoulder as she did and catching her breath.

Odd as it was that Emma and Manny could both leave out the same house and Emma couldn't have spoken to her by the time they reached school, it wasn't impossible.

And this is how it had happened…

After everything with Peter, Manny had gone downstairs and crawled into bed, eventually crying herself to sleep. Emma and her mother had gotten home shortly after and Emma had been tired that when she saw that Manny was sleet she simply slid down into her bed, falling asleep herself.

Manny woke up pretty early the next morning and glancing over seeing Emma and remembering the night, she'd gotten up, quietly gotten dressed, and went upstairs for breakfast. By the time Emma had come upstairs for breakfast, Manny had already left, purposely having taken off so as to avoid Emma.

Now, Emma stood facing her friend and saying calmly "Manny? I've been trying to talk to you all morning. Why are you acting so weird?" Manny just shrugged "Oh, uh, sorry Em, I guess I'm just tired." Manny said, refusing to look into Emma's eyes.

Emma noted this, but just said "Oh yeah, I'm sorry Manny. I forgot, how was the dance?" "Huh?" Manny said having completely forgotten the dance herself but hiding this, said "Oh, It was good...it was…dancy." "_Really?"_ Emma said with a smile, "Did you get drunk?" "No!" Manny said slightly offended and slightly faking offense. "It was just a joke Manny, but then again, nothing you ever do surprises me..." Emma said with a laugh. Manny just smiled uneasily.

Emma voice took on a very serious tone as she said "Ok, but Manny? I wanted to talk to you." Manny waited for her friend to speak and Emma did saying after she'd taken a deep breath, "Manny? I know I haven't been a very good friend lately, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." "Emma, you don't have to..." "No, Manny; just listen. I know that I have been totally off and a total bitch for these past few mths and I just want you to know that I am trying to do better. I wanted to know if you'll forgive me...you've been there for me through everything Manny. Sean…Snake's cancer, Chris…Rick and now, even though you don't really like him, even Peter.

Not to mention the fact that you helped me through the shooting, anorexia, and the…Jay incident and even I haven't been showing it too much, I need you to know that I really appreciate it."

Manny felt so bad. not only had she ruined her relationship with Craig-although to her credit, she hadn't known they'd still had one-now, she realized she'd made out with Emma's ex of only a few day. Even though she didn't know whether or not Emma would care-though knowing Emma, she should have known, she would-Manny still felt bad about having kissed him out of jealously and she wished like anything that Emma was still being an insensitive bitch as opposed to standing here, calling her a good friend.

"Emma, you _really_ don't have to-" "Forgive me?" Emma said squeezing Manny's hand hopefully and Manny hung her head a little, but finally nodded "Ok,"

Just then as if on hateful, spiteful, fateful que, Peter walked by. "Peter!" Emma called as he zipped by not stopping. Having had such amazing success with all of her other apologies, she'd had a surge of renewed confidence and she walked after Peter, before stepping in front of him, forcing him to stop. "Look, I wanted to talk to-" "You don't have to talk to me, Emma." Peter said, rolling his eyes as he tried to step past her. "Yes, I do." Emma said grabbing his arm "I just have to tell-"

Just then, Liberty Van Zandt walked up to the pair, staring determinedly at Peter. "Hello, Peter," she said hatefully and then nodded at Emma, acknowledging her "Emma." Then she focused back in on Peter

"Peter? You were on the dance committee, but you _weren't_ at the dance. You were in charge of helping out…_at_ the dance. I'm not sure how they did it at your old school but, here? When your on the dance committee to help? You _actually_ come to the dance and _help_..." "Screw the dance committee!" Peter said, angrily "Such language." Liberty said shaking her head "It'll never do Peter, I'm afraid that your off the committee." Peter shrugged, "Fine by me," he said carelessly, "I was only on it because of...her." and as he said this he looked at Emma.

Liberty turned towards Emma now "Whatever Stone. Just don't show up at the next meeting. But that reminds me, Emma? Everything was impeccable! This years dance was _the_ best! And I owe a large part of that to you. So all's forgiven as far as not coming, or at least sending word that you weren't coming. And, I just have to say; keep up the good work!" Emma was of course baffled at this statement; wondered why Manny hadn't given Liberty her list and told her. Emma was about to say this when Liberty turned towards Manny. "And Manny? your decorations were outstanding! Even though you couldn't be there? Your presence was felt, great job!." Emma stared at Manny in confusion, Peter glared at Emma, and Manny stared off ahead of her, her heart pounding, trying to figure out what to say as Liberty turned and walked away, unknowingly leaving destruction in her wake…

_Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment _

Ellie sat there breathing; hard; the blood dripping slowing from her arm and the phone still ringing. She was kneeling on the floor of her bedroom and she lifted up on her knees to look at the caller id. Just as she'd thought it was, Craig. Ellie knelt back down, a crazed look in her eyes as tears spilled down her face, but she steadied her hand with the razor. _Not now Manning, I'm in control this time,_ and slid it across her skin, tears spilling into the blood that seeped from the cut.

All at once, Ellie had that weird tingling sensation that someone was watching her and although she tried convincing herself she was just imagining things, she still turned towards her opened bedroom door to be sure. And she saw him standing there, watching her, with a look of horror and disgust, in his eyes.

_Scene Change: Degrassi High Hallway _

"Manny? I'm not getting it. Why did you lie to me about going to the dance?" Emma said with restrained frustration.

The first time Emma had asked it was just a question, a thought, she wondered why Manny would lie about something so trivial. But now, the fourth time she'd asked and received no answer, Emma began to worry that it was something else and asked pleadingly. Manny just looked as though she would break down crying and began saying "Em, Em, I-" Then, Peter stepped up beside her saying as he squeezed her shoulders "You ditched us to go and hang out with your boyfriend, so we hung out…_together_." The creepy way Peter said "together" made Emma's skin crawl and slowly she put the pieces together.

Manny wasn't at the dance, Peter wasn't at the dance, Manny was crying and Peter seemed to think that all of this would somehow hurt Emma. "You guys…_hooked_ up?" Emma said slowly not choosing to believe the words even though she spoke them. Manny just shook her head "Emma? It wasn't like that…" "At first," Peter said, stepping towards Emma and staring into her eyes with a menacing look. "But what can I say? I needed comfort; Manny needed comfort. We were there for each other." Emma just stared at Manny, who pushed Peter away from her saying "Em, That's not what happened. We just…I ju-"

Emma couldn't really hear Manny, a sense of pain and fear was overwhelming her. Pain, because of Manny…sleeping with Peter?...Lying to her…? She wasn't really sure why since Peter was no longer her boyfriend and she shouldn't have cared. Fear, because Emma could slowly feel herself boiling with anger, a rage that she wasn't sure how to deal with; and wasn't even sure why she was feeling it.

In reality, Emma resented Manny very heavily for what happened to her with Jay. Although, it may seem strange, the reason that Emma resented Manny because of this was because while Manny seemed to use sex as a tool of control, being empowered by it, using it to her advantage, sex, even though it had only been "oral", was one of the things that had reduced Emma to the utter state of confusion and self-denial that she was so constantly reeling in now. And every time Manny slept with another guy, used sex in another controlling way, Emma always remembered how much control she didn't have, and it made her feel small and desperate.

Now, after having spent her entire night hoping that things were getting better, knowing that everything would go well with Sean, forgetting all about Jay? Now, Emma was reminded of this once again, only now, she couldn't take it anymore.

"You "_just_" what, Manny?" She snapped zoning into what she'd last heard Manny saying "You _just_ got drunk? You just _slept_ with a guy, for absolutely no reason?" Emma paused and she stated the last words with an icy hatred "Or is it _just_ that you're a slut Manny? Cuz, I'm pretty sure, that's what it is."

Manny glared at Emma with anger spilling over into her sadness. Why had she even cared if Emma knew she'd kissed Peter? She wasn't sure why, but it didn't matter now. Emma had once again taken it too far. She'd called Manny a slut, a name that Manny had first heard from Emma, three years ago in this very hallway, and so many times after that. But it had always hurt her that Emma, her best friend, had been the first to call her that. And now, as she heard that word again, she stepped up to Emma, readying herself with words that she knew would cause Emma as much pain as Emma was obviously trying to cause her.

"Emma? Look! Peter is _lying, _alright? We didn't have sex, and I don't like him." Manny said stepping towards Emma's face and staring her in her brown eyes, "But, if I had slept with him, I still wouldn't be a slut." And Manny stepped a little closer to Emma almost nose to nose with her. "Which is more than I can say for you; you self-righteous, high and mighty, Gonorrhea-getting, _bitch!_"

And of course this was it for Emma.

She shoved Manny to the ground and glared down at her angrily. Peter stepped up to her "Emma! Don't! I was-" But somehow, Emma's hand had tightened into a fist, and she turned clocking Peter in the jaw and knocking him clear off his un-expecting feet. "Stay _out _of this, Peter!" She growled down at him angrily.

Manny's eyes widened and she jumped up snatching crazily at Emma's hair. Having had more of experience in the fighting department than Emma had, she was immediately to an advantage and she tugged at Emma's hair mercilessly, trying to slam her into a locker.

Emma reached her hands out too, grabbing tightly onto Manny's hair and shoving her back into a locker. For a moment the two just grunted tugging at one another's hair and shouting "Let go of my hair, you bitch!" "You let go of mine!"

But then, something in Emma just snapped._ Everything_ snapped. What she was going through trying to figure everything out, the way she felt about Sean , how desperately she just wanted to make her life right again, and how she now realized that everything _wouldn't_ just fall back into place; and slowly Emma's rage formed a slow surge of adrenaline which she used to force Manny against the locker, so hard, that Manny let go of her hair.

And Emma was glaring at Manny now, she had a sort of twisted rage in her eyes and she prepared to take all of her anger out on Manny. She felt her hand slowly forming into a fist again and the next thing she knew, she was punching Manny repeatedly screaming "_I hate you! You Bitch! I hate you!"_

Emma could vaguely hear Manny squealing in pain, but mostly she could just feel all of her aggression towards everything being released in her hits, her crazed strikes at Manny and it felt so…empowering, that she couldn't stop.

**_"Emma!"_** She heard and suddenly she could see again and she could feel again and she felt someone dragging her away from Manny. "_Emma!_ What the _Hell_ is going on!" Snake said, apparently, having been the one who'd drug her away from Manny and now turned her towards him, hands on her shoulders, looking at her with a terrified expression on his face.

Emma's breathing slowed and suddenly remembering all that had just happened she turned around looking at Manny.

Manny was slumped to the floor in front of her locker crying. Her lip was busted and her face was sort of puffy, she was holding her stomach in pain…

Emma, realizing what'd she'd done, faltered a little in Snake's steady but shaky arms and she stammered out "_Manny!_ I'm I'm sorr-" "Go to H_el,l_ Emma!" Manny shouted through her tears.

Snake's eyes slowly began to tear. He'd thought Emma was ok, he'd thought that she was fine now…he realized he'd been wrong and he said calmly. "Emma? Go home." As he stood up staring down at Emma "I-" Go **_Home_** Emma!" He yelled, and Emma backed away crying before turning and bursting through the doors of Degrassi…

_Scene Change: Ellie's apartment _

Ellie's eyes were glued to the boy standing in her doorway and she stared at him in utter disbelief "S-Sean?" she finally managed "What are you doing…here!" She spit at him hatefully, as she reached over grabbing a tissue from a box on the bedside table and pressing it quickly against her bleeding arm.

Sean, never taking his eyes off of Ellie's arm, held up his key "I never gave it back." He said his voice full of restrained emotion. "Ellie? What are you doi-" "What does it look like I'm doing Sean?" Ellie asked angrily, "What does it look like!" "I thought you…I thought you stopped.." Sean said looking dazed. "I di-" Ellie began about to break down before remembering that Sean was the one who owed the explanation."What are you doing here, Sean!" Ellie said, walking quickly toward the visibly disturbed boy.

Sean never took his eyes off of her arm, but still held up an envelope saying distractedly "I was just gonna give you-" Ellie snatched it out his hands and then opened the envelope quickly. When she saw what was inside of it she stammered "This is..like $3000." And she dropped the tissue that she'd been pressing against her arm. "It's $3,240." Sean said distantly, staring at Ellie's arm "It's…the rent that I woulda pai-" Ellie glanced at Sean angrily and shoved the envelope back at him. "I don't _want_ your guilt money, Cameron." she said through gritted teeth. Then, noticing that Sean was staring at her arm again, she turned and walked back over to the little table, picking up another tissue.

"Ellie, I…_Why_ did you…?" Sean said setting the envelope down on the bed as he walked over to her "Sean? Back off all right!" Ellie said, turning toward him "And while you're at it, stop acting oh so surprised! Oh, wow! Ellie cuts herself! News of the Century." Sean stopped and then said calmly, steadying his voice "Ellie? I saw the scars ok…I never saw you _cut_ you're freaking arm!" "Well, you mighta wanna leave, Sean, because it's gonna get worse!" Ellie yelled.

Sean looked so hurt, worried, and then he said slowly "It's not about…me is it?" Ellie laughed. She couldn't believe the nerve of Sean, of guys' period. "God, Sean! Get over yourself ok!" Sean paused, thinking, his eyes still locked on her arm "Then…Craig." Ellie wasn't sure what in the world was going on. First, Emma's crazy talk and _now _Sean?_ What is it with these two?_

"Sean, I think you'd better leave alright?" Sean just stared at her blankly, then glancing at her arm he said calmly, as he began to side-step her to get to the phone, "Ellie, I'm calling a doctor." Ellie pushed Sean back towards the door "You're not calling anyone!" "Yeah, I am." Sean said, heading in the living room to pick up the phone "I'm not just going to_ sit_ here and w-" "Then leave Sean! Leave! You're good at that, remember!"

Sean turned towards Ellie, "Ellie! Don't _do_ this! I told you I was so-" "Oh yeah! I'm sorry, I forgot," Ellie said sarcastically "Five minutes of talking always makes up for a whole bitter year." Sean forgot about the cutting for a moment, "Look, Ellie, things haven't been so great for me-" "So, Join the club Sean!" Sean walked towards her, his eyes filling with tears "But, I still care about you,-" "Sean? Look, I don't wanna hear it ok? I'm not gonna just sit here like, like, _Emma,_ or something, and make my self feel bad for you, when you left _me,_ remember?" "But, Ellie, I had to-" "No, Sean! Ya didn't. You _chose_ to go. While everyone else stayed and dealt with the shooting, you chose to run away, just like you always do."

Sean felt a tear rolling down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. "So that's what you really think of me, right? That I just run away from everything?" "Hmmm, let's see, Wasaga the first time, Degrassi, Emma, and me; Yeah, Sean. It kinda seems like you do." Sean was a little confused about all the Emma references, but he just ignored them. "Ellie, look, I never-" He glanced at her arm "I never judged you or whatever…for…for doing that; I never cared. But you can't just keep acting like it's nothing. You can't keep lying to yourself; trust me I _know_, it doesn't help."

"Doesn't help? Sean Cameron is telling me that denial doesn't help? Sean? You are in the most in denial that I've ever seen anyone in. And look how great _you_ turned out." Sean was getting mad "Ellie! I just care about you alright! I mean, I-" "Loved me right?" Ellie said shaking her head as tears rose up in her eyes remembering Craig. "Say it again, Sean. Maybe it'll actually mean something this time." "It meant something the _first_ time!" Sean said angrily. Ellie laughed again, that painful laugh that was so shrill and eerie, that you felt it "Yeah, Sean. It meant so much, you couldn't stay. Even though you loved me you still…left me; Just like everyone else." Ellie said, crying.

"Ellie, I was confused I didn't know what to do. But, I wouldn't just say _that _to say it." "No Sean," Ellie said shaking her head again, "You'd say it because it was safe. It was alright to say; to have someone to say it to…because you couldn't say it to who you really wanted." Sean looked at her confused, "What are you talk-"Laughing again, Ellie said "Sean? You wanna talk about denial? Ok. Let's talk about it. Emma Nelson. You practically worshipped the ground she walked on, I mean, you _risked_ your _life_ to save he-" "I would've done that for you _too_, Ellie!" "Would you have, Sean! **_Really_**?" Sean didn't answer, but Ellie didn't care. "I mean even after all that, you still could_ never_ tell her you loved her. You could tell me, because it didn't mean as much." As Ellie spoke she was half-way speaking to Sean and halfway saying what she wished she could say to Craig. "Because, you were too scared to admit, to yourself e even, that you might actually need someone that much."

Sean was in tears now. How was it that everyone always told him off so well, when he could barely get in a sentence? "How do you kno-" He began, slowly materializing what she and Emma must have talked about…"Because, Sean, that was the thing you know? The thing me and you had in common? Control. Neither one of us can stand to be without it…" Ellie glanced at her arm, "Love? It reallymakes you lose it…" Sean was wiping his eyes as he stared at Ellie.

He still loved her, not in that way though; he would never want anything to happen to her, she'd been one of his closest friends…_and _she was right, of course. But, he still had to get her to deal with the cutting situation. "So what, Ellie? So, we both like control. That's not that big a deal, Ellie. Me? I left right? I got scared, I chickened out, ran away, whatever you call it, but _I_ did it Ellie. _I_ hurt you guys, and I can admit it. But_ you_? You're sliding a razor across your own arms. You're _cutting_ yourself Ellie. And pretending that it's not a problem? The only person that's hurting, is you."

Ellie decided she didn't like the new and improved Sean Cameron. Since when did he get in touch with any sense of feelings? And who did he think he was preaching to her? She wasn't crazy, it wasn't like she just up and decided to cut herself. This was something that Ellie _had_ to do…to deal with how crazy life had gotten and no matter how many times she explained it...to the therapists, to Ashley, to Craig…noone would ever really understand.

Ellie cried, just thinking about it, and just thinking about why she'd been cutting and how she'd felt this time. She hadn't had enough time before Sean came in to realize that she hadn't felt strong ,or in control; she'd felt weak; weak enough to curl up and cry; weak enough that she thought about stopping the pain…for real; for good.

As she recalled this, Ellie said crying "Sean, just _leave _alright!" "I'm not leaving Ellie," Sean said steadying himself, his hand wavering over the phone, "Not until, you get some help." "I don't_ neeeeddd_ help, Sean! I'm fine! Get _out_ of my apartment. **_My_** apartment, remember?" Ellie said, crying "Get out! Get out!" she kept screaming over and over again, "Get out…!" as she slowly sunk to the floor. Sean walked away from the phone and knelt beside Ellie and hugging her. "It's gonna be ok." He said softly, as she gripped onto his arms, sobbing on his shoulder.

_Scene Change: The sidewalk leading to Degrassi _

Emma hugged herself tightly as she walked, tears streaming down her face, towards her house. She couldn't believe what had happened but still no matter how badly she wanted this to be a nightmare, that she could wake up from, she knew it was real, and she couldn't handle it.

_What the Hell happened? How did I let it get this far? How did I get so out of control? _

She thought hatefully, as the tears splashed the blurry gray concrete beneath her feet.

"Hey," Emma heard and she felt something-someone-a hand, gripping her arm stopping her from walking. She wanted so badly for it to be Sean, or even Snake or anyone who cared about her and could somehow make everything ok.

But it wasn't.

"What's the matter?" Jay purred with a look of concern, that Emma couldn't see, on his face as he wiped his free hand across one of Emma's tears.

Emma slapped Jay's hand away from her face. She was in no mood for his foolishness right about now. "Jay, Leave me the hell alone." She said as she tried to pull away from his grip. "Just let me help ya' out," Jay said sorrowfully, his grip tightening on her struggling arm and he tried to pull her towards his car.

Emma punched Jay's arm and he let her go. "Jay! I said Leave me the hell alone!" Jay smiled a little, nauseatingly Emma thought, although it was his attempt at cheering her up. "Well, whatever's wrong, Green Peace, it can't be that bad...you're still giving your old friend Jay a hard time." "_Don't_ call me that and for the last time…You're_ not_ my friend!" Emma said and stepped away from Jay. Jay walked up to her quickly grabbing her arm "Jay let me go, you **_Freaking Bastard_**!"

Jay smiled "You know, you've got quite the mouth on you for such a good-girl. "But then again," he said with a sick laugh, "I knew that alread-" and Emma slapped him hard across the face.

Jay glared at Emma angrily before yanking her towards him and dragging her with him quickly to his car "That's it! Just ,come on!" "Jay let _me **go**_!" Emma screamed, but Jay just pulled her mercilessly, towards his car...


	24. Loss of Control 12a

**_Chapter 12a _**

**_Loss of Control… _**

**Sean:**

Even...

Even with all this...

Even when I'm sick of it all...

Even when everything is messed...

I can't stop thinking about her...even now

Even though...

I'm still not sure what will happen, yet

**Emma: **

_Apparently _

_I wasn't as put together as I thought _

_As sane, as I thought _

_As calm, as I thought _

_As right, as I thought _

_As in control, as I thought _

_Apparently, I'm not as good at hanging on to it… _

_As I thought. _

**Review Everyone! **


	25. Harsh Realities 13

**Chapter 13 **

**Harsh Realities **

After about 10 minutes of hugging, Ellie and Sean had sat on the couch she and he were now just sitting and talking, like everything crazy hadn't even happened.

Sean stepped out of the bathroom and Ellie turned and smiled at him half-heartedly, "Hey…" she said slowly "Hey, he said nodding at her, and then walking over and sliding on the couch. Neither of them said anything.

"Oh yeah!" Sean said suddenly, with a look of realization "I almost forgot," and he leaned over his side of the couch and pulled up a long thin box "Here. Open it." He said slipping into Ellie's hand carefully. Ellie played with the box in her fingers for a moment, smiled at Sean, and then opened it.

Inside the box was a necklace made of, a pair of dangling earrings and a bracelet all made of smooth green stones. "Sean!" Ellie gasped "This is beautiful! Thank you." She said closing the box softly. Sean looked a little disheartened "Aren't you gonna put them on?" he asked. Ellie shook her head and then held up her arm. "Kinda hard to wear bracelets when your arms are bleeding." She said, with a laugh although Sean got a sickened look on his face.

"Ellie? Are you really gonna call that therapist?" He asked concerned. Ellie nodded " I promise." She said seriously. Sean smiled and then leaned over picking up the envelope on the table. "Ellie? Keep this alright? I want you to." Ellie took the package a little reluctantly, but then said, smiling "I was never going to let you take it, Sean. I might be angry, but I'm not an idiot!" And they both laughed.

_Scene Change: The Sidewalk/Jay's Car _

Emma struggled to get away from Jay. He was pulling her towards the car with a crazy look on his face and Emma had no idea what he was going to do to her. With all the energy she had left, she lifted her foot,-thanking God that she'd worn high-heels today-and dug her heel into his foot with so much force that Jay not only let her go but yelled out in pain. "Stay _away_ from _me,_ Jay!" Emma yelled, backing up and then taking off her shoes she raced down the sidewalk and didn't stop till she was in her house.

_Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment _

"Why don't you have any food?" Sean asked, opening Ellie's fridge and then closing it with a bemused expression. "I normally go shopping on Sunday, but…" And Ellie's voice trailed off. Sean ignored this and said simply shrugging, as he jabbed his hands into his pockets, "You wanna go now?" Ellie smiled, but then shook her head a little as she said looking down at her arms "It's…well, people always think I'm some kind of freak, you know, tissue stuffed in my sleeves?" "You don't have any…something you can wrap them down better with…?" Sean asked with an anxious tone. Ellie shook her head "Haven't needed any gauze for a while, so…" "Then I'll go," Sean said cutting her off. For some reason, dating Ellie and knowing she cut herself was different. But now? Now that she was friend and he stood on the outside knowing that he couldn't get in to help? He couldn't take it and thought that it'd be best if he and Ellie just avoided the topic.

Ellie appreciated the fact that Sean was acting like it was no big deal and smiled nodding. "Ok," "What do you want?" Sean said grabbing his car keys off of the counter as he walked over towards her. "Anything, but…" Ellie said and her voice trailed off as she stared behind Sean with a surprised look "But, what…?" Sean said and noticing the look in Ellie's face he turned around and saw that the door was open and Craig was standing there looking as though he'd just walked through a fire.

Craig stared at Ellie's arms and then at Sean, Ellie's arms then Sean, before he finally said "You let her do that to herself! _Huh!_ You _let _her cut herself!" and shoved Sean against the wall angrily.

Sean just looked at Craig, a is-this-guy-really-serious? look before he finally grabbed Craig's shirt and slammed him against the wall, switching places with him and staring angrily into his face. "Why in the _hell _would _I _**let** her do that! I stopped her from doing that!" Sean looked at Craig with disgust, "More than I can say about you!"

Craig slapped Sean's hands off of him and pushed him to the ground. Sean jumped up and was about to punch Craig in the face when Ellie jumped up from the couch yelling "_Stop it_, you two!" Mid-punch and mid-block, Sean and Craig turned and looked at the angry Red-head. "Stop acting like a bunch of _jackasses_!" She turned towards Craig "You can't just march in here and start fighting my _friend_!" And then she turned to Sean, tired of his smug face,"And _you?_ You didn't _stop_ me from doing anything!" Sean shook his head at Ellie angrily. "Whatever! I'm outta here!" he said marching towards the door. He stopped and turned towards Craig, said, "She's all yours!" and marched out angrily.

Now, Ellie looked at Craig and Craig looked at Ellie, both waiting for the other to make a move.

_Scene Change: Emma's House _

Emma sat in her bed and cried. The tears were the bitter, painful, self-loathing, scared kind. She'd been crying since she got home. She wished that things had been so much easier for her. She wished that she hadn't spent so much time pretending like she was okay; believing it, and then finally snapping. Breaking down in the worst possible way, hurting Manny and Peter and scaring her dad out of his mind.

Jay? She didn't even want to think about what it was she'd gotten herself into with him. She had no idea what the Hell he'd want with her or why. He'd bothered her a few times, but never actually _scared_ her until today. The way he looked at her made her think he was crazy. Acting as though _she'd_ somehow hurt _him_…

And then, Sean's face, his eyes, his smile, all of their plans came to her mind and she wished more than anything that he was there now to hold her, to comfort her. She would tell him…everything. She saw what denial had gotten her and she promised herself that she'd never do it again. The next chance she got, she promised herself, she'd tell Sean; the truth. About how angry she'd been when he left, how scared and alone and desperate when she went down on jay, and how if he didn't forgive her she'd probably break down completely because she loved him too much to keep pretending she didn't.

_Next chance,_ she thought but then as she closed her eyes and cried even more bitterly she thought _If I ever **get** another chance._

_Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment _

Ellie had forgotten about Craig and what had happened, having been so busy just enjoying hanging with Sean and now that she stood face to face with him she remembered…everything and tears rushed to her eyes. "El,…don't," Craig said stepping toward her looking saddened "Don't cry. I can't-" and before Craig could finish his sentence, Ellie let go. She reminded herself that Craig was _here_ standing in front of _her_. Reminded herself that Craig had chased after her and not Manny and that possibly Craig could be…Was it possible Craig had come here to tell her that he was _choosing_ her? She had no idea, but she wondered desperately and with every shred of hopefulness in her psyche. she stepped forward and kissed Craig softly on the lips. He pulled back a little at first, waited uneasily before grabbing her and kissing her back, violently, passionately.

And they stood this way kissing one another relentlessly, for a few, _Amazing_ Ellie thought, moments…

_Scene Change: Sean's Hotel Room… _

Sean lay down on his bed and covered his eyes with his arm. He was as tired as he'd been for a while. After lunch, with Emma on Monday he'd gone shopping-which, he decided, he couldn't stand-for Ellie's gift and then he'd gone for a short walk, rethinking everything that he and Emma had talked about.

Afterwards, he'd spent the better part of his evening looking for Jay. It had suddenly struck him as strange that he hadn't seen him since he'd been back and _normally_ Jay wasn't too hard to find. Either hanging out in the ravine, some other crummy place he hadn't been banned from yet, or Alex's. It had been too late-and too strange- to go to Alex's, so Sean figured he musta been at Bennet Park. Since he wasn't, Sean had finally come back to his hotel figuring that he'd see his friend later…

And then…Today. The whole conversation with Ellie had exhausted him and now he lay on the bed thinking about…everything. It wasn't that Ellie's words had shocked him as much as he shocked himself by feeling so bad about them.

Sean had been, in his own way, denying his feelings for Emma. Even though, they were clear to him and should have been clear to her, he'd gotten so caught up in thinking that she hated him. That he'd forgotten that his whole purpose for coming back was to tell her, he loved her. To tell her that he wasn't sure if he could even go back to Degrassi or even stay here if she didn't take him back and that thought scared him a little.

But, remembering that it was no longer so hard to get to Emma, Sean smiled to himself thinking that tomorrow, he'd do it. He'd tell her he loved her and see where it got him. Even though he tried to convince himself that he knew what she'd say, he didn't and he went back and forth in his mind on whether tomorrow would be the right time or if he should just wait until their date.

After a moment, Sean rolled over tiredly and closing his eyes thought, _I'll do it tomorrow…What's the worse that could happen, anyway? _

_Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment _

Ellie wasn't sure what this kiss was supposed to feel like but it was the most amazing kiss she'd ever had, and she convinced herself that it was the best kiss that had ever been.

She was so surprised by how it felt to kiss Craig. So energizing, so amazing, so much more than words could express, so she just let herself fall into it aimlessly, kissing him as passionately as she knew how; which was pretty passionately and waiting to see what would happen next.

After a long moment, Ellie pulled her lips away from Craig and smiled at him "Do you know how long I've wanted to do that!" She said, happy tears spilling from her eyes and Craig just stared at her in "I don't deserve you…" she said placing her head against his chest with a laugh. "Deserve…me?" Craig stammered. Ellie grabbed Craig's hand and pulled him toward the couch.

Suddenly all seemed right with the world and she was so intrigued by how different it felt to know that you're loved. Craig was just staring at Ellie with a regretful look on his face and he stammered "El, I…" "I mean God Craig! I am so…I mean…I love you." She said and she laughed "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I'm not afraid to say it and I'm not scared of what you'll say." she said as she looked into to Craig's big brown eyes.

Craig's eyes were filling with tears and Ellie stood up quickly "I'm sorry! Am I being too…" "No El, No. You're…great." Craig said moving his hand along her face with a pained look. Ellie shook her head "Then why am I suddenly feeling like an idiot…" Ellie said painfully, realizing that something was wrong although she wasn't sure what.

"Manny. Manny cheated on me with, some guy,El. Peter, I think,…" Craig said looking away from Ellie. "Manny? Craig, I don't get…" "I love Manny, El. And I'm sorry about the kiss but I was just…I was just angry! So, when you kissed me-"

Ellie backed away from Craig choosing not to believe what she was hearing "So, _I_ kissed you right? You didn't kiss me back _at all_…right?" "Ellie, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking…" "Craig? Get out." Ellie said the tears returning now "Ellie, I don't- don't want us to be like this…I just want us to be friends again." "Well, here's a news flash Manning, I don't want us to _just_ be friends again. Of course you do though. You have Manny, you'll be fine Craig but, I won't. I _love_ you." She said and tears were pouring down her face as she spoke.

Craig stepped towards her "I love you too Ellie, but…" and once again here it was. Those hateful words that Ellie had been trying to avoid. "Get _out,_ Craig!" she screamed, pushing him back towards the door. "Get _out!_" and Craig walked over to the door turning to look at her once more walking out the door ashamed and disappointed. Ellie watched him leave and then slumped onto the couch in tears.

_Scene Change: Late in the Evening A Random Sidewalk _

Manny had been driving around all day, on the bus, in a few cabs and now here she was walking all alone and heading towards…nowhere. She had wanted to go back home –well, Emma's home anyway, but she knew she couldn't, and so she'd just been around listlessly all day, in a half-daze, almost like a drunken stupor.

The suspenseful drama with Craig was over. She'd gone to see him, and even though she tried to explain, tried to convince him that she'd made a mistake and she was sorry, he'd turned away from her telling her he had "Nothing to say…" to her and closed the door in her face.

Just knowing that she'd been the destruction to her own relationship, not Ellie and not Craig, Manny found out that she could hate herself even more than she'd thought she could and now all she did was walk around despising herself thinking that Emma'd been right and Peter and her parents and…everyone. She _was_ a slut and this was exactly what she deserved.

Even though she tried to be content to just walking around crying, when the darkness slowly fell, Manny realized that she would have to go somewhere, she couldn't just walk around all night. Any money that she'd had she'd spent on the bus and cab fare for the day and she hadn't had enough for a motel anyway.

So, now, when all else failed and Manny felt desperate, she walked up to the door and knocked. And when the door was opened she fell whole-heartedly onto the startled shoulder saying inbetween sobs "I had no where else to go." Before being brought inside the warm house, leaving the cold cruel world outside.


	26. Harsh Realities 13a

**_Chapter 13a _**

**_Harsh Realities… _**

**Sean: **

_The Worst _

The worst?

It's not Loneliness

It's not Pain

It's not Helplessness

It's not hate

It's not…death

The worst?

Is being in love with someone

And not being able to tell em.

But, I'll take care of the worst part later…

**Emma **

_Can't Really _

_I can't really _

_Think straight _

_I can't really _

_Can't wait _

_Just sit around _

_Waiting for my life to fall back apart _

_I can't really stand _

_Waiting to see if he's gonna break my heart _

_I wanna be healed _

_I wanna just feel _

_But, I… _

_Can't really _

**Review Guys!**


	27. Shattered Illusions 14

**Chapter 14**

**Shattered Illusions**

Sean stood outside of Degrassi waiting for Emma to come up the sidewalk. He'd been up since about 5 in the morning getting everything ready...their date would have to be tonight he'd decided, he had to tell her tonight and he stood by the sidewalk and waited patiently for her to show up, sure that he'd convince her to skip.

"Hey stranger!" He heard a familiar girl's voice call from behind him. Turning around he saw Alex Nunez, Jay's ex girlfriend, walking towards him. "Alex! What's up!" he said hugging her "Nothing, nothing!" Alex said smiling, "I heard you were back. How'd that happen?" Sean shook his head smiling, "I don't know. I just,…drove." He laughed and then, noticing that Alex seemed in very un-Alex like high spirits, _and_ that Jay was nowhere to be seen, he asked her, "So…is Jay around? I haven't seen him." Alex frowned "Jay Hogart? I wouldn't know; seeing as how we broke up, thanks to his cheating on me with every girl in school, not to mention giving me gonorrhea, all in a few months after you left."

Sean just shook his head, Jay was a real idiot sometimes. "Man, that's messed up." He said sympathetically. "It's cool," Alex said, shrugging "I mean it was a year ago after all. And besides, I got him back." "Yeah?" Sean said, smiling. Alex leaned towards him as though about to tell him a secret, "I _dated_ Paige Mikalchuk." Sean was of course just a little taken aback by this; even if Alex was joking, it was a strange joke to make. Alex laughed at the dumbfounded look on his face "I guess you hadn't heard that I'm a lesbian either, huh?" "_Wow_," Sean said stepping back a little "_Really?_" "Don't worry Sean; it's not contagious!" she said, laughing "And besides even if it was, guys couldn't catch it!" Sean smiled, nervously, What in the world had _happened_ while he was gone?

Alex smiled at Sean "But, enough about me? What are _you_ doing here? Are you back in Degrassi this year?" Sean shrugged ,"Yeah, but not yet." Alex eyed Sean suspiciously "Then...what are you doing here now?" Sean looked a little embarrassed and then said "I'm uh, waiting..." "For Jay! He was expelled, Sean." "Oh, yeah, I heard." Sean said nodding. Alex looked at him puzzled. "Then...who are you waiting on?" Sean looked at Alex. He wasn't sure if he didn't want to tell her because he wasn't sure what Emma would say or because...he just didn't want to tell her.

After deciding that it didn't matter either way, he said "Emma." not being able to resist smiling. Alex stared at him with a blank look. "First of all, Emma's not here today." "She's not?" Sean said frowning, "She got suspended for fighting Manny Santos." "Really?" Sean said semi-smiling. "Yeah," Alex said, but continued with a wonderous look on her face And secondly, waiting for _her?_ You've _got_ ta be kidding me!" She said, with a laugh. Sean just stared at her "No, I'm not. We're cool now." "After the whole STD thing, you guys are still cool? You must really love her." Sean furrowed his eyebrows "Alex? What are you talking about?" he asked shaking his head in confusion.

A look of realization slowly crept onto Alex's face "Oh..." she said and then smiled "So..you don't know?" "Don't know what?" Sean said frustratedly. "Sean? When I said Jay cheated on me with all the girls? I _meant _all the girls; Emma's a girl too, Sean." Sean wasn't sure if he'd heard Alex right "Wait; are you saying that Emma..._slept _with Jay?" "No, Sean. It's called a blowjob. God, We're talking about Ms. Frigid here." "Right!" And Emma would _never_ do that!" Sean growled at Alex, the anger in his eyes intensifying "Calm down, loverboy." Alex said with a tone of slight irritation "Look, the girl had gonorrhea, Sean; you can't really _get_ _that_ by yourself." "Emma _wouldn't _do that." Sean said again, slower this time, as though Alex hadn't heard him the first time. Alex just looked at Sean shaking her head, "Sean? Look good luck with Emma alright?" and she turned walking away. Sean couldn't just let her leave after that and he grabbed her arm. "Alex? Are you serious?" He asked slowly pain resonating in his voice. "Yes, Sean." Alex said pulling her arm away from him. "I am." "But...Emma...? She _wouldn't_ do that." Sean said again, tears forming in his eyes, trying to convince himself more than her.

Alex shook her head slowly at her friend "Look, Sean, I'm sorry, ok? You know her a lot better than I do, and maybe she wouldn't have if..." "If!" Sean asked angrily Alex shrugged and trying to make him feel better said "Look, Jay can be very persuasive, ok? It was a only a little while after you left. Maybe he-" "Forced her?" Sean said getting madder. Alex looked at him "I was gonna say talked her into it." But Sean was already walking away from her. His world was crumbling all around him; tears welling in his eyes. Emma had had to go through all that'd she'd gone through, _and_ she'd been harrassed by Jay? The guy _he'd _brought into her life? Sean couldn't take the thought, and he got angrier and angrier every time he thought of it.

Jay _had_ to have forced Emma, he decided. Emma would never do that willingly and now? Now, Sean was going to make Jay pay.

_Scene Change: Emma's House_

Emma didn't want to move but she still got up; she was thirsty. She walked upstairs and stared around the empty house. Her parents had gone to work and Manny hadn't gotten home yet. She'd been suspended for a week. From the way that Snake was going on the other night, she wasn't even sure if her parents would let her back in Degrassi.

"I thought you were over the shooting." Her mother had said crying, "I thought you were better, finally." Emma's cold sarcasm had kicked in again and she'd said "Guess you thought wrong huh mom?" Snake had glared at Emma angrily "Emma, it feels like-like I don't even know you anymore. What happened to that sweet little girl I used to know?" "She grew up, almost got killed and turned into a bitter scared, lonely,confused teen!" Emma yelled before jumping up from the couch-were her parents had called her to talk-and racing down the stairs to her room.

They blamed her for Manny not being home, and truthfully she blamed herself too. She wasn't sure what had happened. Somewhere along the crazy line she'd lost it. And now, she was trying to remember what she'd even been holding onto anyway.

_No Sean, no real friends, no…family,_ Why did she even try, she thought, and she leaned over rinsing the glass that she'd just drunk from. Everything was so hard for her, trying to be good, trying to go back to the way things were, trying to get over whatever she was feeling for Sean, and she felt so desperately like just ending it…somehow.

A knock at the door called Emma's saddened attention, and she walked over to it. Glancing out of the curtain she saw the edge of Sean's gray hoodie, and she could already feel the tears working there way up to her eyes and she yanked open the door and threw her arms around his neck crying.

_Scene Change: Ellie's apartment._

Ellie rolled over. What was today? _Tuesday_, right, was she going to school. _No_, she decided as she rolled back over stuffing her face in her pillow. Then, remembering a small part of yesterday she sat up. She'd had the weirdest dream she thought and she got up and washed her face in the bathroom sink staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"What happened yesterday?" She thought. She remembered cutting herself, Sean, Craig-this she chose not to think about. _What's the point? He made his choice_-

And then…

And _then…?_

Maybe she'd gotten drunk she mused, before remembering that she didn't drank. Something just felt so…off. But she couldn't quite figure out. So, she pulled on her black jeans and walked over to her closet. Black corduroy jacket, white tee, and white tennis shoes. She decided. She had an appointment with the therapist today and she didn't wanna look too depressed knowing that therapists analyzed clothing like crazy.

As she opened her door and stepped out into the living room it hit Ellie what had happened, why she felt confused or weirded out or whatever, and she walked over to the couch and stared down at the sofa. Why in the Hell did I let Manny Santos in my house…?

Scene Chagne: Emma's house

Emma pulled away from him and shook with fear. "What are you doing here Jay?" she asked faking that same snappy attitude even though she was scared out of her mind. "Hugging you." Jay said with a smile trying to grab her hand. Emma backed up a little. Why had she answered the door? Why was Jay looking at her like this? Why in the Hell had she gotten mixed up with him to begin with?

"Jay…I'm helping my mom so," "You're mom ain't here." Jay said with a knowing smile "Jay?" Emma said fearing her…life? No, she wasn't sure what was so scary about Jay at this particular moment other than that sick look in his eyes, but it still scared her.

"What do you want?" Emma asked gulping as she wavered in the doorway. Jay's face changed, the crazy look was gone and he just smiled at her easily. "I just wanna talk to you." He said and then added, "Like yesterday? At the car? I just wanted to talk to you; that's all." "Then why didn't you say that?" Emma asked, she was a little calmer now. Jay wouldn't hurt her…would he?

Jay looked at her with a sad look "You barely even listen to anything I say." He said sounding, this time Emma noticed, hurt. "Well, I'm listening now." She said crossing her arms. "What is it?"

Jay stared at Emma for a moment and then all of sudden he was leaning in to her face saying softly "I miss you…" and kissing her lips.

_Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment…_

"Hey Santos! Up and at 'em!" Ellie said as she shook Manny's shoulder a little. She remembered now of course, had remembered all along but couldn't fathom it being true, that she'd let Manny into the apartment the other night. Something about the way she looked, scared, sad, lonely…Ellie had related to that and even though she couldn't stand the girl she let her in, thinking that she _had _to be desperate to come to her.

Manny blinked at Ellie. She knew she wasn't dreaming she remembered yesterday very well. She'd never forget it had been the worst day of her life. In a few short moments she'd lost her boyfriend, her best friend, her makeshift family, her life, an she stared up at Ellie, who'd taken her in despite their differences and smiled at her.

Ellie just stared back at Manny crossing her arms, "You're going to be late for school." Manny frowned now sitting up slowly "I'm not going to school." She said sadly "Then, where are you going?" Ellie stated unsympathetically.

Manny thought about this for only a second, before she was back in tears "I don't know…" she cried and Ellie kinda felt bad for her. She sat down beside her "Look, I'm sure whatever happened with Emma, she'll get over it." "No," Manny said sitting up and looking at Ellie with a vicious gleam in her eyes "I'm _not_ going back there. Not this time." Ellie was a littlecurios now "What happened…exactly?" Manny broke down and told her the whole dramatic story all the way up until the point where she'd come here in tears.

Ellie was very surprised to hear that Manny had actually thought Craig was going to choose to be with her. Notwithstanding the fact that she herself, had only yesterday, tried so badly to believe this, she still didn't think Manny-self-assured, vain, self-loving Manny Santos- would think that.

"Did you ever talk to her again? Emma, I mean?" Manny shook her head, "I-I don't have my cellphone." She said with a small gasp "But I don't want to. Look what she did to me." Manny said pointing to her lip and smoothing her hand over her sore eye. Ellie halfway smiled "She did mess you up pretty bad; did a better job than me." Manny didn't think this ws funny and instead, commenced to sobbing more bitter tears. Ellie felt bad,

"Manny? Look just, I don't know, call Craig or something he-" "No he won't." Manny said shaking "I already told you…he doesn't want anything to do with me." Ellie found this whole situation so ironically twisted that she didn't know what to say. "Well then," Ellie said, and she couldn't believe she was advising Manny and Craig…"Just…give him some time." Manny nodded "I know," then Manny looked at Ellie.

She found it pretty strange to think that just a few days ago-two days ago-Ellie had declared to her boyfriend that she was in love with him-and now here she was trying to advise Manny to be patient and wait. Suddenly, Manny felt horrible for having hated Ellie so much, coming to her house and started that fight, calling her out…

She did remember that day, when Ellie had told Craig that she loved him, when she'd seen that look on Ellie's face, the same look that she'd had when Craig had hugged Ashley, getting back with her only a few days after having had sex with her. He'd broken her heart.

"Ellie…? She said slowly "Look, I'm sorry about all th-" "No thanks." Ellie said cutting her off and standing up walking into the kitchen. "I've had enough apologies within the last 3 days to last me a lifetime." Manny laughed and she stood up walking over to the kitchen counter.

Leaning over the counter she said easily "So…what are you doing?" "Huh?" Ellie asked reaching up into some cupboard and then pulling down two bowls "Breakfast." She said pulling down a box of cereal "You eat it don't you…?" "Oh, yeah." Manny sat sitting on the stool "That's not what I meant. I mean, well you're wearing white…" Manny said looking Ellie up and down. Ellie felt subconscious all of a sudden "Doctors appointment…" she lied, "They get spooked kinda easily there so…I try to tone done the black a little." "Oh." Manny said not believing her, but not bothering to push it.

Manny stood up and walked around the living room with a critical eye "I love the apartment." She called to Ellie, "Who knew you had such great taste." As she said it Manny realized how condenscending it sounded and she looked at Ellie, who staring at her thinking the same thing. "Wow." She said pouring milk into one of the bowls "Who knew you could recognize good taste." Manny blinked angrily at Ellie "I didn't mean it like that,' she said calmly. Ellie stared back at Ellie. Maybe she was being too defensive but who could blame her? Manny Santos was walking through her living room staring at her things like they were the vile of the earth.

_Or maybe_, Ellie decided, _no, _she wasn't, Ellie just expected her to be, and she calmed her thoughts a little as she walked over and handed Manny a bowl of cereal. "Sorry…habit." Ellie said sitting down on the couch.

Manny smiled again and sat down too, staring at the cereal. She wasn't too hungry. "I don't think I can eat." "You'd better; I don't exactly have money to waste." Ellie said biting into the cold tasteless stuff before jumping up and spitting into a napkin. "Eh! What is this mess!" she looked at the box and saw that the expiration date was a week earlier. She threw the box in the trash and opened the fridge as Manny walked in the kitchen dumping her bowl in the trash too. "No food?" she asked as she watched Ellie rummaging through the fridge "Not, unless you like week old milkshakes." Ellie said tossing the cup in the trash.

"We have to go shopping." Manny said quickly "How can you possibly _stand_ to be depressed without food?" and once again Manny realized that she'd put her foot in her mouth. Ellie just looked at her. She hadn't exactly told Manny about what had happened with Craig, but maybe she'd been crying herself when Manny came. Maybe Manny could just tell she was sad and she shook her head "I'm not depressed." She said quietly. "I-I know." Manny said quickly, "I just meant…well, I am." She said sitting down and leaning her head on the counter.

Ellie couldn't really deal with Manny's woe-is-me attitude and she said "Look, Manny. Just call Craig alright? So you hooked up with another guy. He still _loves_ you; deal with it, already." Manny stared at Ellie, partially surprised and partially hurt…"I told you what happened. He's not going to just up and want me back." Manny said but the way she said it Ellie felt as though she were trying to convince herself of that more than anyone else. She was tired of Manny acting like everyone was out to get her and she had enough sadness of her own built up without needing to tolerate Manny's. Besides that, something was weighing in on her mind and she had to ask.

"Manny? I don't get it. If you _love _Craig why did you even…I mean why would you do that anyway?" Manny sat up laughing, "Maybe you haven't heard Ellie," She said and then pointing to herself said, doing a pretty good job of imitating Ellie's painful laughter " '_School Slut'_, remember?" Ellie's face tightened "Just because you kiss a guy, doesn't make you a slut." "Maybe not, but being the girl that he cheats on his girlfriend with? It kinda does." Ellie just shrugged at Manny getting angrier all of a sudden. "Manny? If that's how you want to act, fine. But I know what Ashley went through…" she stopped for a moment here, pointing to herself " 'Best Friend' of the mistreated girlfriend, remember? And even though you were, you had no right to do that, and it was definitely low-down, Craig was the one who broke Ashley's heart. You couldn't have been any girl, Manny. But Craig? Everyone expected better from him."

Manny just stared at Ellie for a moment and then slowly the tears fell "See? See what I mean? Everyone expects better from Craig, but me? What do they expect from me?" "Nothing," Ellie said "But, Manny, you haven't exactly given anyone a reason to trust you." "But, _you'd_ trust Craig right…?" Manny said and Ellie shrunk back a little. She didn't say anything. "Ellie? It's not that everyone thinks I'm a slut, I could care less. It's that everyone, even my closest friends, They _treat _me like one; they treat me like that's all they expect from me-nothing more. Every time I thought, that you might…like Craig or whatever what did anyone tell me "Ellie's not "that" kind of girl." And I know now, you're not, but me? Even though I've never cheated _on_ anyone,-I really loved Craig and that's the only reason I was with him-even though I've tried to get everyone to see that I'm more than just that one incident three years ago? I'm still "that kind of girl". Everyone thinks so,…even Craig, and I-I can't deal with it anymore."

Ellie glanced at her arms as Manny spoke, knowing the feeling of people judging you based on one thing all too well. "So…are you saying you don't want to get back with Craig?" Ellie asked surprised. Manny paused and then said nodding "I guess I am…" she said and then she started crying again "I don't wanna be with someone who makes me feel…like I'm worthless…" Manny said, crying bitterly. And Ellie stood watching her, relating a little too well with that heartbroken feeling.

_Scene Change: Emma' house_

Emma stood frozen for a moment before she pushed Jay away from her forcefully. "**_Jay! _**What is _your_ problem?" Jay looked at Emma with that strange look "I don't have one!" He said angrily "Then why did you just kiss me?" Jay looked at Emma, he looked like an idiot she thought, so unscary and pathetic it wasn't funny "Look, I know what happened in the ravine and all? I know that it was messed up and I'm sorry." He stepped towards her now "But…I miss you, a lot. I don't even miss Alex this much and I know that's gotta mean something right?" as he said he groped for Emma's hand and then kissed it. Emma's skin crawled and she snatched her away from Jay.

"No it doesn't! Jay, you gave me a social disease!" "Not on purpose!" "I _don't **care**_!" Emma yelled at him. "Look, I don't know what you're sick little idea of romance is, but in my book, gonorrhea? It's a real deal breaker."

Jay stared at Emma fuming angrily, "So...this isn't because Seanny boys back?" Emma, who had forgotten all about Sean for a moment shook her head, "What?" "I saw you with him you know? Standing in the street…hugging?" "You were spying on me!" Emma said with a sickening feeling "I was coming to talk to you. Find out what I could do to make things right with us again." Emma stared at Jay in disbelief. This was by far, the weirdest thing that had happened to her so far. "Jay? Things were never "right" with us! I never liked you all right? I don't know what I was thinking, or why but, you? You were the biggest mistake I ever made in my _life_. **_Ever!_"** Jay just glared at he angrily. He wasn't sure what it was. Did he really like Emma, or was he just angry about Alex and needed some company? He decided not to think about it and instead leaned forward, this time grabbing her and forcing his tongue into her mouth.

Emma tried to pull away from Jay but couldn't and was about to start crying when all of a sudden, Jay jerked away from her towards the doorstep. After wiping her mouth, Emma looked at Jay and saw Sean standing there, slamming him to the ground. "Sean!" "You think it's **_funny!_**" Sean yelled, kicking Jay in the side "You think it's funny to mess with the only girl, who isn't a freaking **_slut!_**" Sean yanked Jay off of the ground and stood him up, just to punch him down again. Jay somehow managed to knock Sean off his feet. And scrambled back towards the door

"Sean! Buddie! This is how you greet your **_best_** _friend_?" He said, punching Sean in the jaw as he stood up. "**_Stop it!_**" Emma yelled rushing over and grabbing Jay's arm as he tried to lean down and punch Sean again. Sean jumped up and grabbed Jay again punching him in the face, and knocking him down. "Why would you **_do_** _that_!" Sean yelled leaping down onto Jay, and punching him repeatedly in the face."You just _had_ to do that to **_her_**! You just had to force yourself on her even when you _knew_ she was messed up!"

Emma was standing on the doorstep watching this, tears streaming painfully down her face. "**_Sean! Stop!_**" She yelled rushing over to him and grabbing his arm. Sean stopped himself and looking at Jay's bloody face turned towards Emma. "Em-ma," he said tearfully, "I'm _so_ sorry, I'm so sorry he did that to you." He said as he grabbed her hand "Are you ok!" Emma realized, by now that Sean thought that Jay had forced himself on her. Not sure exactly how to say it but she knew she had to she finally had to she stammered out…" He didn't_ force_ himself on me, Sean." Sean just stared at her like what'd she'd said wasn't possible. "Wh-What? But…Alex…she said you-" "I did." Emma said shamefully, crying. "But he didn't force me."

Sean's whole world came to a screeching halt, and he stood up looking at Jay, unconscious and bloody and then he stared at Emma…or whoever the hell this girl was. He couldn't believe what she was saying to him and he couldn't believe what he'd done …lost his temper so violently; knocking Jay unconscious.

He had a record he'd probably go to jail…

"I've gotta-I can't-I've gotta get out of here!" Sean said rushing over to his car and pulling the door open. "Sean! Sean Wait!" Emma said _Please don't leave me! Please!_ She thought as she rushed over to his car. ""I've gotta get out of here!" Sean said after turning to look at Emma one last time. The tears rushed to his angry pained eyes and he mashed the gas trying to get as far away from Em-this _girl _as he could. Emma fell to the ground where his car had been and cried "_I'm so sorry, Sean! I'm so sorry!"_


	28. Shattered Illusions 14a

**_Chapter 14a_**

**_Shattered Illusions..._**

**Sean: **

Indescribable 

What the _Hell_ just happened?

What the Hell...?

_Just happened?_

It's like I was sitting there

So busy being amazed...

So busy being...

in love.

And now,

I feel so...

So...

I can't really see straight

I can't even...think right

What the _Hell_ is going on?

I feel so...

Like screaming,

Like crying

Like I was dreaming

and now?

Now, I'm dying...

No, that's not it...

This...

Feels...

So...

It's Indescribable.

**Emma:**

_Breathless _

_This is it…._

_I'm breathless_

_So alone…. _

_And breathless_

_So lost… _

_So breathless_

_Finally fallen…. _

_What can I do now?..._

_Breathless_

_He's gone…._

_I'm breathless_

_And so am I…_

_Just sitting here… _

_Grasping for the little hope that's left _

_But…_

_There is none…_

_I'm breathless_

_**Review you guys! Please!**_


	29. A Reason to Say Goodbye 15

**Author's Note:**

Alright guys this is it! Last chapter I hope you guys like it and **Solaris** and **Babyp **you guys make sure to weigh in on what ya think Alright! Everyone Review, Pleeeeaassssseeeee! I love this site and I love you all!

_**Jazzy-Raveler!**_

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, I would never have had to wait till tonight to watch it...Oh, well...**

**Chapter 15**

**A Reason for Goodbye**

Emma Nelson sat in the grass on the side of her darkened house. The moon lighting up her pale features and blonde hair with an enchanting almost eerie glow. She stared wide eyed into the nothingness as her tear streaked face whenced at every memory she held.

How had she come to this, she wondered, when only a few days ago her life seemed to hold such promise and wonder.

Sean had come back, she and Manny had been back on good terms, she'd been on good terms with her parents and then suddenly every relationship she had had disintregrated into nothingness.

Emma was sitting outside by herself and thinking about it all.

Jay Hogart had been rushed to the hospital, Emma had called 911 and even rode with him to the hospital. She signed herself up as his next of kin and then left after the doctors told her he'd awakened and except for a slight headache; not to mention the badly bruised body parts and swollen face he'd be ok. Emma had left, she hadn't gone in to see him, everything that had happened with him? it had all been...so weird.

Emma wouldn't talk about what happened. She simply told the police that she'd come outside and he was bloodied and unconscious in her yard. It was just crazy enough to be believed, and since Jay wasn't talking either, the police let it go, for the moment anyway, and left. Emma had called Snake, knowing he'd find out and warned him about what had happened; although, she told him the same lie that she told the police. But, when Snake got home, Emma hadn't spoken a single word to him, just walked around listlessly as if nothing was left to be said, nothing was left to do.

When Spike had come home and seen Emma looking as pale as a ghost, after finding out what happened from Snake, she'd called the doctor and set up an appointment.

The police had come back to the house a little later and asked Emma if she knew anything about Jay's attacker. Again, she'd said nothing and this time the police told her that Jay was awake and that he wasn't saying anything either.

Emma's parents had looked at her so terrified, so disappointed like they didn't even know her and Emma shuddered now as she remembered their looks. Spike and Snake had started arguing about whose fault it was that they hadn't noticed that Emma was "still troubled" and Emma had simply slipped out of the door and plopped into the grass, where she sat now two hours later.

The tears rolled down her face, but Emma didn't breathe. She didn't make a sound, she just sat quietly, waiting for this feeling to be over.

Suddenly, Emma felt someone standing in front of her and she looked up to see Manny Santos staring down at her uneasily.

Emma still ouldn't speak even though she really wanted to say sorry. She wanted to break down and sob but she knew if she did, she probably wouldn't be able to stop, so she just sat there still waiting for Manny to speak. Manny began slowly

"Emma, I can't... I mean I don't know what to say about what happened earlier...I don't know what you're going through, but you need to know that really hurt me, Em. I thought _you_ of all people would trust me but instead? You believed Peter an-" "I'm sorry, Manny." Emma said, the words were emotionless though. As though they weren't really meant at all and Manny stared at Emma angrily "Well, thanks for the "apology" Emma; but I don't need it anymore."

Emma stared up at Manny waiting for an explanation but Manny didn't give one instead she just began with an entirely different thought. "I was wrong you know? About Craig and Ellie?" Emma just glanced up at her stone-faced "Craig loves _me_." Manny said although, tearfully "But, I-I messed up_... again_, as usual, and I don't think...well, I need some time to breathe anyway before I try to fix it, you know?" Emma nodded.

Not sure what else to say Manny seemed to get her bearings back and wiping the tears from her eyes she said "Look, I can't deal with...all of _this_ anymore, I really need to breathe so I just came to get my stuff, I'm moving in with Ellie." Emma would've laughed at what she thought an obvious joke but instead, she just stared back out in front of her. After all that had happened today? Nothing would surprise her, "Okay." Manny stared at Emma for a moment before going inside.

_Scene Change: Ellie's apartment_

Somehow in the midst of she and Ellie's day, Manny'd -the convincer of all convincers-convinced Ellie to let her move in. Ellie had only relented because Manny had been so desperate. At least, that's what she told herself when really the only reason she let Manny stay, was so she wouldn't be so lonely.

After spending the day with Manny, Ellie had realized that Manny Santos was just a misunderstood, scared little girl; kinda like her. They had a lot more in common than she'd thought and Manny was really fun to be around.

Since they both had an unspoken pact not to mention...ahem "The Manning Name" Both of them had been able to be around one another, without too much thought about _their_ man. Although, Ellie still prepared herself mentally for whenever it was that Manny decided she was ready to get back with Craig; knowing that ultimately that was probably what would happen.

But she was fine. She'd gone to her therapy session, she'd gone out to eat with Manny, she'd gone to the movies, and even though she stole a few moments of that time in the dark movie theater to cry about Craig, Ellie still knew that she was strong enough to get through this.

And now as she sat at home waiting for Manny to come back, she hoped to high hell that she was strong enough to deal with _this_. And wondered, a little baffled actually, at how in the **_world_** Manny had convinced her to let _her _move in...

_Scene Change: Emma's House_

Manny walked back out carrying a small duffle bag and walked over to the cab that was waiting for her. She opened the car door setting her bag inside. She turned and looked at Emma. So lonely, so sad, and she found herself feeling really bad for Emma, not sure what she was thinking or feeling. Spike and Snake had filled her in on the whole day when she'd gone inside and found the two on the couch hugging and then leaping up to hug her. So, even though _they_ didn't know, Manny had a pretty good idea what had happened with Jay, and besides that, she assumed that Sean being gone must've been the reason for Emma's helpless glare.

Emma Nelson had been Manny's best friend since...always and leaving felt so...morbid so...life-altering that she almost didn't. But, remembering all the two of them had gone through, so many struggles that neither of them had really been stable enough-or even old enough-to deal with, Manny realized that leaving Emma, whether it was to move to Ellie's or even back home, was the first step to fixing the broken soul that she had come to be. And so, Manny smiled at Emma, loving her still, like a best friend and a sister; but climbing in the car, she waved goodbye as she left behind the last few years of her life...hoping to head for something better...

Emma couldn't have cared less. She had spent the day and a little of yesterday thinking about Manny, and woefully regretting what had happened, but it wasn't like Emma even meant to...and besides, she and Manny had gotten in fights before, and this time was no different, she'd convinced herself...right?

Emma couldn't consider it right about now. She had too much other stuff on her mind. Her parents were still talking and Emma had the feeling that they might be trying to put her into some kind "school for the traumatized" or whatnot. Also, Sean was gone. Emma knew the reason that he'd left, which was of course the reason why she hadn't told the police what really happened and she knew also, that this time? He wouldn't be coming back.

Emma layed her head on her knees as Manny drove away, finally letting out a little breath and crying bitterly as she did. This was what had come from her denial. This was what had come from 2 yrs of lonely bitter pain and she couldn't handle it...

_Scene Change: Sean driving_

Sean had been driving all day, he'd just been...driving. He'd parked a few times thought, cried, thought and then drove some more. He had no idea what to think or feel about anything. He'd thought that Jay was his friend. He knew he wasn't good or whatever, but he'd still thought that Jay was his friend, and he couldn't figure out why he would do that to the only girl that Sean had ever really loved.

_Emma,_ Sean could barely think her name without tearing up. What in the hell had happened with her? When did she become so...whatever it was that she was and what in the world had she been thinking? Why would she ever do something so self-degrading? It wasn't the fact that Emma had...done _that_ to Jay; but, why? Sean just couldn't understand it.

In his mind he replayed all of their years growing up; all of her campaigns from the petition for a tampon dispenser, to the cheerleading article, to the enviromental club, and the way she'd complained to him about how Manny dressed, there'd been no sign of any of _this_ in the upcoming future. Then, Sean remembered that day in the ravine, she wouldn't even _make out_ with him in the grassy wood, where people _might_ walk by. This memory caused Sean to have to pull over. What had happened between then and now? And why was it that even after all of this, even after he found out that Emma wasn't who she thought he was at all...he couldn't stop thinkign about her?

_It's her fault,_ he thought, trying so hard to restrain himself from going back..._It's her fault! She did this!_ _Everything was fine! I was fine, But, I mean, how could she have done that!_ _Even though she knew I l_- and Sean's thought process stopped completely...He realized know why nothing made sense and everything still did.

He realized now why she might have changed...the same reason he'd changed in the past year only for the better...he'd changed because he didn't know if she'd love him the way he was before...and she'd changed...because...she didn't know he loved her. That was why, at least that was what Sean convinced himself and he turned the car around speeding back towards her...he still hated what she'd done, he still had to leave, but, he _couldn't_ leave this time without telling her...not this time...

_Scene Change: Emma's House_

Emma sat there, still crying. Her parents probably thought she was in bed, she realized, so she was able to continue crying.

The footsteps that she heard she presumed were her Dad's or Mom's and she didn't even look up, but then Sean said, "Emma?" and when she looked up, she saw him looking at her-not smiling not crying-just staring at her from across the yard. "Sean!" Emma said, jumping up and rushing over to him "You came back..." She cried trying to reach over and hug him, but he grabbed her hands "Look," he said his voice steady, and a little cold "I'm still leaving, but not until we have-not until we talk. The last time I left before we talked..." and he paused and Emma looked down at the ground, ashamed. "It didn't go so well, for either of us." He said and he dropped her hands and got into the car.

He looked out the window at her "You coming?" he asked staring into the space ahead of him...Emma looked back at the house and then at Sean. What was the point of going, when Sean was so obviously not going to forgive her? She wasn't sure, but still since she saw no point in staying, she walked around and climbed in the car staring straight ahead of her.

Sean immediately began to drive and Emma looked at him and asked timidly "Where are we going?" "You'll see." Sean said and neither of them said anything else the entire ride...

_Scene Change: A Grassy field by a Lake._

Sean got out of the car and slammed the door. He opened the trunk and pulled out something Emma couldn't see, it was too dark. Emma reluctantly got out and followed him where he was headed down a small slope next to a tree, in front of the lake.

Walking down after the disappeared Sean emma saw a small spread, nothing fancy, in actuality a bed sheet Sean had pulled off of the backseat of his car, and a cooler, apparently the thing Sean had been carrying, which sat right next to the lake. "Oh my God, Sean! This is so..." Emma started with a smile and then looking up to see Sean glaring at her she finished quickly "It's nice." "It's just a cooler." Sean said, sitting down "It's just _sweet_." Emma said sitting down across from him. "Yeah, yeah." Sean said and he leaned over lighting a fat candle that sat in the center of the bedsheet.

Emma figured out of course that this had been set up for their "first date" and she tried hard to figure out why Sean would even bring her here if he hated her so much. But she decided against asking and instead, Emma just stared off into the water.

Sean began pulling out something from the cooler "I'd figured we'd eat veggie burgers, like the first time," he said pulling out the aluminum foil wrapped sandwiches "No fries, though," he said with a smile playing on his lips, but never forming "After what happened the last time," Emma smiled at Sean, but he just turned away from her, his eyes filling quickly "Here, this is yours." he said shoving the sandwich at her.

They ate in silence and then Emma said "That was really good Sean. Thanks, I hadn't eaten all day." "Me neither," Sean said quietly. This was too awkward, it actually did feel like a first date; but not in the good way.

Emma looked over at the cooler, food being the only thing she felt the two of them could talk about that wouldn't hurt..."Is there anything else," Sean shrugged and then turned towards the lake pulling his knees up and resting his head on them "You can have it."

Emma shook her head slowly, what could she say that would make Sean...? Do anything? Emma reached in the cooler pulling out a small aluminim foil type thing out of it. "What _is_ this?" Emma asked looking at it, oddly Sean never moved, but said "It's what you had the last time we ever ate lunch together..." Sean said "Tempe Alfalfa and peanut sauce." Emma said as she unwrapped it and remembered that day. "Yeah..." Sean said, his voice breaking.

Emma eyes teared up, but she looked in the cooler again and pulled out the chocolate bar-Which Sean had eaten that day-and then went over and sat next to Sean. "Here." she said, waving it under his nose but he didn't look up "Hello, taste good, remember?" Sean flashed Emma an angry look "Yeah Emma, I remember, I remember a lot, and I remember you. What the _hell _happened to you?" Emma just looked down at the bar in her hands, tears welling up in her eyes "Sean, I don't know, ok? I have no idea what the hell I was think-" "Glad to here that." Sean said, turning back towards the water and huffing sarcastically "That makes it _all_ so much better." "No, Sean, it doesn't, ok? I know that, but I-" Emma started crying "I'm sorry ok? It was really hard on me after you left..." "It was hard on me too, Emma!" Sean said, staring at her angrily "But I didn't...I didn't do anything like _that_." "Right, you didn't but _I_ _did _Sean." Emma said angrily, crying "And I'm so sorry that you don't seem to think I can make mistakes but I _can_ and I _did_, alright? But sitting here. showing me how-how disgusted you are with me isn't going to change that. It happened and you couldn't possibly hate me anymore than I hate myself so what is the point of even talking about it!" Emma finished turning towards Sean as she finished.

Sean turned back towards the lake and said stiffly "Because I don't hate you..." he started and Emma looked at him curiously, "I don't get it." Sean said slowly "I mean this is the dumbest-and I do mean the _dumbest_ thing that you've ever done. It's...I can even think about it, Emma, alright? But, I still can't...I don't know if I can forgive you but, I _don't _hate you for it, and that makes me even madder." "Sean..." "No, Emma just listen, to me for once, all right?" Sean said standing up and Emma nodded up at him, "Look, I don't know what's different all right? I mean, it's like we don't even know each other anymore, but I mean, I never stopped...I mean nothing feels different," Sean paused and placed his hand against his chest "Here. Nothing changed for me, ever. Not when we broke up. Not when I started dating Ellie. Not when I left. And not...not even now." Emma stood up the tears falling down her face now "Sean, I'm so sorry." She said crying "So am I." Sean said "Sorry, that I didn't just do this sooner." and he pulled Emma's face towards his and kissed her.

Emma could feel something inside her falling back into place, she was trembling and she could feel her insides shaking. Something about this...about Sean made it all so...scary. Here he was kissing her, holding her again, just like she'd always dreamed he would and yet she was still so scared inside.

When Sean finally stopped kissing her, Emma stared up at him with tears in her eyes. "Sean, I-I don't know if I-" "If you, what?" Sean said staring at her blankly. "I'm not...I'm not..." "Emma," Sean said, "Don't say it, alright? Whatever it is, just _don't_ say it." he said his eyes filling quickly. Emma nodded ok, and they both walked back over to the sheet.

Emma leaned her head on Sean' shoulder and Sean wrapped his arm around Emma, already afraid of what might happen. "Sean?" Emma said wiping the tears from her eyes "Hmm?" "I've wanted to ask you something since you got back?" "What?" Sean asked tenatively, "_What _happened to your hair?" Sean laughed a little "It grew," "I see, that but I just mean, what _happened_? What made you decide to let it grow out?" Sean shrugged "Guess I just...I don't now, I needed a change." Emma smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder, Things had changed but Sean was hers again, and she eased herself into a peaceful sleep, deciding to try and forget about everything else that had gone wrong...

_The Next Morning_

"Emma! Emma ,wake up!" Sean said shaking Emma up from his arm, where she lay leeping. "Hmmm?" "Look," Sean said pulling Emma up beside him. Emma opened her eyes and looked out across the water at the sun rise. "It's amazing." She said with a gasp, "Yeah it is..." Sean said distantly. They sat in silence for a moment and watched the sun come up before Sean said standing up "Emma come on, we'd better get you home." Emma stood up smiling "Okay." Sean pulled all of the stuff up into the bed sheet and slung it over his shoulder, hiking up the small slope towards the car.

Emma walked up after him and then getting in the car, Sean smiled at her and they drove back towards her house.

"Here we are." Sean said smiling as they pulled in front of her house "Yeah," Emma said, slowly "Do you wanna come in?" Sean just looked at her blankly "Emma? I've gotta go." he said simply. Emma looked at him confused "Go where?" "I'm leaving, I'm going back to Wasaga." Emma couldn't believe what she was hearing. "But, Sean, I-I thought you..." "I have to Emma." Sean said tearfully, "I'll go to _jail_ if I don't. You think the cops are just gonna let the whole knocking Jay unconscious thing slide?" "Sean, I didn't _tell_ them what happened...neither did Jay." "Well, he will." "No, he won't!" "Emma," Sean said shaking his head "I'm sorry...I have to go."

Emma was crying now her mind crashing right back to where it had been the night before "You _can't _Sean. I can't handle it." Sean leaned over softly kissing her cheek "It's hard Emma, I know, but...I'll be back" "_No!"_ "In a few months maybe even a few weeks..." "**_No!"_** Emma yelled again and then snatching her face away she said quietly "I can't say goodbye, Sean, not again." "Then don't." Sean said and leaned over kissing her.

Emma pulled away from him "Then, Don't give me a reason to, Sean, _please_!" "Emma..." Sean said and the words lay just beneath his lips, he wanted to say them so badly, but he couldn't and so he just said "I'm sorry." because he was. Emma rushed out of the car and raced up to her door. She stood there crying for a moment before she turned back to look at Sean. He was looking at her and they both locked eyes and thought though they'd never know...

_I love you._

And Sean drove away leaving Emma in tears once again...over Sean once again...

The evening found Emma again sitting outside. But, this time she sat on the curb and this time she wasn't crying. Sean leaving again had started a train of emotional craziness and after not having been able to say it to him after still not being able to tell him that she loved him, she felt so messed up and so unsure of everything, that when she saw her parents sitting there on the couch, waking up as she walked in the door and just waiting for her explanation she finally _finally_ _**finally **_broke down and talked to them about how she felt about _everything_.

What she'd felt like when they'd gotten married, when she'd found out that Snake had cancer, what she'd felt when Manny had changed, when Sean dumped her, when she wasn't over him, when Rck came along, when Rck died, when Sean left, when she'd gotten with Jay, when she'd found out she had an STD, when she started secretly dating Peter, when she'd seen Snake kissing the principal, when he'd left, when she'd become anorexic, when Sean had come back, when she'd broken up with Peter, when she'd gotten in a fight with Manny, and even though she still skipped the Sean beating up Jay part, she told them what had just happened. And then she begged them not to send her away and promised that she'd go to therapy. "I wanted to be over everything, but I'm not." she sobbed into her mothers arms "You don't have to be sweetie; you don't have to be." her mother said and promised her that they weren't sending her anywhere and they'd help her get better...

Now Emma thought about all that had happened in the past week, and she actually smiled. She was still hurt about a lot but now, she could admit it and that was the first step to getting over it she decided. Even though she decided, it still make take her a few more years to get over Sean Cameron, whom she'd loved so much and still never been able to tell...

_Goodbye Sean..._she thought.

**_The End_**

except for the other part!

hah!


	30. A Reason 15a

_**Chapter 15a**_

_**A Reason...**_

**Sean**

_Broken_

She's so…broken

That's the only way I can say it

I look at her

And all I see

All I feel is pain

She's so…broken

I can't stand to sit there like…

That…

Then again…

So was I,

So _am_ I.

I wonder if she sees me like that

Broken

I sure hope not

**Emma**

_Broken…_

I thought I was whole again

I mean, I probably will be

Not yet, but will be

Even if I am still broken

And I am

But now, I just feel like

I am missing one piece

Instead of being shattered

Is that better?

I don't know

What if the one piece that's missing

Is my heart?

Or what if that's the part that's broken?

I think it is…

Broken…

Again.

Emma breathed out a sigh. She would call Manny tomorrow she decided. She wasn't exactly ready to talk talk to anyone and the last thing she wanted was another breakdown of sorts. She stood up and walked toward the street that edged the front of her house...and walked slowly towards nothing and everything.

She missed Sean already and she didn't wanna cry but she could feel the tears, slowly treading down her face. "Emma," she heard Sean voice say. "Great! I'm already hearing his voice" she thought and kept walking _Shake it off!_ "Emma!" she heard again, but this time, she realized it really _was_ Sean's voice she was hearing and she turned around staring into his eyes, and he embraced her, kissing her passionately.

"Sean, I-I thought you were gone!" Emma said crying as she leaned her head against his chest "I couldn't go, I didn't say-" "Sean? _Don't _say it alright? If you're leaving I can handle it. You'll be back, right? But I-I can't handle saying goodbye. It feels like I'll never see you again." "Right..." Sean said, lifting her face up to meet his face, as he shook his head laughing "That's _why_ I wasn't going to say it." Emma looked at Sean puzzled, "Then what were you...?" "Something I should've said years ago...or even that day when I stayed in Wasaga." Emma held her breath. Was this _really_ possibly about to happen? After all her years of hurting and waiting and hoping?

Sean lifted Emma up and set her gently onto the hood of his car and leaning in to look at her eyes he said "I love you, Emma Nelson. I always have, and I always will." Emma smiled happy tears-happy tears at last!-sliding down her face. "I love you, too Sean." she said, leaning her forehead against his and then kissing his lips gently.

"But..." Emma said sitting back up remembering about Sean leaving "What am I gonna do without you Sean? I missed you so much, and now you're leaving again right, when I thought that..." "I'm staying." Sean said shaking his head and laughing "But, what about Jay? The cops I thought..." "I don't know," Sean said sliding Emma off of the hood. "Look, Emma, when I left the first time? I had a lot of reasons to leave, this time, well, I've got reasons still, but Emma?" "Yeah?" "I've got an even bigger reason, to stay." he said, his eyes tearing and Emma smiled at him and pulled him towards her crying. "Don't ever leave me again, Sean." She said hitting his shoulder and then leaning against it crying. "I won't." Sean said, hugging her. And the two of them held onto one another, their past behind them, their future right in front of them, resting easily between their arms...

_Scene change: Back in Emma's Yard_

Emma sat on the side of her darkened house once again. Still scared, still wonderous but no longer desperate and lonely as she leaned over into Sean's safe arms

**The _Real_ End**

So guys what did you think! I hope I tricked you up with that fake ending! LOL! Anyway tho, I hope everyone loved it and like I said this was my first chapter story so pls be forgiving! **Solaris **and **BabyPrincess** you guys are soooo great and I could never have finished this without you! Love ya!

If anyone has been reading the story all along and never commented please comment on this last chapter! Please! I am thinking on writing a sequel but not yet! I have a pretty good idea what it would be about and it'll be the same characters and maybe a little bit more about Peter. If anyone thinks that's a good idea, message me with ideas and I'll see if I can start on it!

Lots of Love

Story-Completer...

**_Jazzy-Raveler!_**


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